Season 3 – Episode 7 – The Bear and the Maiden Fair
Overall Thoughts: This was another episode where not much really happened. I enjoyed the Tywin and Joffrey throne room scene and the titular fight with the bear, but other than that, this episode felt like it was missing something. It had no balls, just like Theon! (Cheap joke I know.) GRRM wrote the episode and while I enjoyed the relationships that it explored, I have to say it was probably the worst of the season in terms of events actually happening, but it also did have the most sex talk!
Before the opening credits we get an N for Nudity! Wooo hooo. It has been too long.
Yunkai is in the title sequence now.
We open and Jon and Ygritte are still walking toward Castle Black. She wants discuss battle tactics that she finds silly. These include banners, bannermen, drums, drummer boys.
Apparently, the drumming is all about the rhythm according to Jon. Ygritte thinks it is all right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot.
“You know nothing, Jon Snow,” Ygritte points out about six times this episode. You could tell GRRM really likes that statement.
Orell starts giving Jon lip and Jon gives it to him right back,
“And now you are going to share it with me, the deep wisdom you found inside the head of a bird.”
“J + Y = Stupid.”
Robb Stark and company are getting rained on and it is causing them to be late for Edmure’s wedding! As I said last week, it is definitely wedding season is Westeros.
Blackfish thinks Walder Frey is wet shit. Well then. He apologizes to Talisa for saying wet shit in her presence, but she isn’t afraid of wet shit either. Robb states that Edmure is the best match in the history of House Frey. Well fuck, I feel bad for them!
Robb sends everyone packing and then he starts getting it in with wifey. I was hoping the nudity would not be used up on mid shots of Robb’s ass, but I guess that is how it goes. After round 1 is over Robb is easily distracted.
“If you don’t put some clothes on I can’t promise I won’t attack you again.”
“How am I supposed to sit here planning a war when you are over there looking like that?”
Talisa is writing a note to her mom, she is going to tell her that she is preggo. This is the first Robb is hearing of it as well. He jumps her bones again.
We jump back to Jon, and Tormund is telling him about how most men fuck. I told you this episode is full of sex talk. GRRM is a bit of a perv, me thinks.
“Most men fuck like dogs. Arf, Arf, Arf, Arf. No grace. No skill. Two dozen thrusts and done. You need to be patient. Give her time. Your cock shouldn’t go near until it is slick as a baby seal, and then you go inside, but slowly. Don’t jam it in like you are spearing a pig.”
Could that have been the best monologue ever?!? Top three for sure!
Orell starts making a move on Ygritte. What a fuck head. He needs to die.
We do find out that Ygritte loves Jon. AWWWWW!
“J + Y = Love.”
“You won’t love him so much when you find out what he really is.” – Orell
In King’s Landing, Sansa is crying AKA a normal day for Sansa Stark.
Yes, we know. You continue to be the worst.
The only plus of this scene is that we get a lot of Margaery.
Sansa is upset she has to marry the imp, and Margaery wants her to look at the bright side of things.
“Far from the worst Lannister wouldn’t you say?…Your son if I’m not mistaken, might be the lord to Casterly Rock and the North some day.”
The notion of a son reminds Sansa that her and the half man are going to have to get it on.
Marge thinks Tyrion is good looking. The talk then turns to this episodes theme, sex.
“So many of us get to try so little before we are old and grey…Pleasing us takes practice.”
Margaery you minx!
Tyrion and Bronn continue the sex talk, and Bronn continues to be the best.
“Shea is a whore. Are you gonna marry her eh?”
“Wed one, bed the other…You’ll have two women and a whole Kingdom of your own.”
“You waste time trying to get people to love ya, you’ll end up the most popular dead man in town.”
“You want to fuck that Stark girl. You just don’t want to admit it.”
Four spectacular lines from Bronn in a row! The writers love them some Bronn.
Tyrion is slightly annoyed by this.
“I don’t pay you to put evil notions in my head. The one’s already in there don’t need company.”
“You pay me to kill people who bother ya. The evil notions come free.”
Next up we head to the throne room and Tywin visits Joffrey after being summoned. Joffrey feels like he is being left out of the Small Council meetings. He doesn’t come because he doesn’t want to walk up all of the stairs to the Tower of the Hand. Also a great website!
Tywin shows a great level of disgust/duty with his next few lines.
“The Tower of the Hand is where I work, the walk from there to here would take time, time I could otherwise spend productively.”
“We could arrange to have you carried.”
Joff wants to change the subject, he wants to know about Dany and the Dragons. He thinks they should do something about her, but frankly, Tywin doesn’t give a shit about Dany right now, and he feels this meeting was a waste of his time.
“Quit wasting my time youngin’.”
Tywin drops the mic and walks out, and did I notice a slight smile on Tywin’s face as he descended the stairs? I think I did!
Across the Narrow sea, Jorah wants Dany to skip past Yunkai, but she wants to free the 200,000 slaves inside the city, so she calls for a meeting.
Razdar Mo Muhammed (I have no clue what is name actually is) comes rolling up the hill in his slave powered carriage and takes a seat in Dany’s tent.
The dragons are just hanging out, and Razdar is looking kind of shook, but he starts out strong.
“Ancient and glorious is Yunkai. Our empire was old before dragons stirred in old Volantis.”
“If blood is your desire, blood shall flow.”
Translation: Razdar don’t give a fuck.
He gives Dany a present, a few chests of gold and as many ships as she needs. He wants to send her to Westeros and away from Yunkai. She offers him a gift as well, his life. How kind Khaleesi.
“You will release every slave in Yunkai. Every man woman and child shall be given as much food, clothing, and property they can carry as payment for their years of servitude. Reject this gift and I shall show you no mercy.”
DAAAMN! Dany is such a bigger bad ass in the show than I remember in the books.
Razdar gets all scared.
“You swore me safe conduct.”
“I did, but my dragons made no promises and you threatened their mother.” – Dany
The slaver wants the gold back, but Drogon ain’t having that. He swoops down and squaks/roars at the slaver’s crew.
“My gold, you gave it to me remember? And I shall put it to good use. You’d be wise to do the same with my gift to you. Now get out.”
Barristan reminds her that the Yunkai are no push overs, they won’t bend easily.
“And what happens to things that don’t bend.”
(I was standing up cheering in my living room at this point.)
If Tywin dropped the mic, Dany just spiked that mother fucker.
“You don’t have to go home, but you’ve got to get the hell up outta here.”
With all this talk about presents, Tyrion doesn’t want to be left out. He gives two chains (2 Chainz?) to Shea, so she won’t be mad at him. It doesn’t work.
Tyrion offers to buy her a nice place to stay in the city and even offers to provide for any children they may have. This doesn’t work either.
Tyrion tells her, “You will always be my lady.”
She feels differently about the situation.
“I’m your whore and when you are tired of fucking me, I will be nothing.”
He should have tried singing to her. You’ll always be a part of me….
From there we have this awesome over the top shot of a boat. What boat is this? Oh, it is Melisandre and Gendry headed to Dragonstone. I think that is where they are heading anyway.
Gendry finds it awkward that he is back where he started. Melisandre tells him that he is a bastard, but his pops is Robert Baratheon.
“There is power in a king’s blood.”
Yup, he is definitely taking the place of Edric Storm.
Arya is hanging out in the cave still and she still pissed at Beric and Thoros for sending Gendry away with the red woman.
Beric says it was because R’hllor said so. Isn’t it funny that no one has said the name R’hllor yet? It is always the Lord of Light.
Arya doesn’t follow the red god, she is into death. This is an early development for her considering in the books she has already killed several people by now. So far in the show verse she has killed one, I believe.
The bowman rushes in. He has spotted a Lannister raiding party and the crew is going after them, but they promised Arya they would go to Riverrun. She flips out and bolts. They chase her into the woods, but they can’t find her. The Hound does though! Oh boy! More screen time for the Hound! How exciting!
“Kick all you want wolf girl, won’t do you no good.”
“Who found the Stark bitch? I found the Stark bitch!”
At Harrenhal, Jaime tells Brienne they must part. She has to stay and he has to go. He feels like he owes her though.
“You gave your word. Keep it and consider the debt paid.” – Brienne
“I will return the Stark girls to their mother. I swear it.”
Jaime heads off towards King’s Landing with Maester Qyburn and a small party.
Jaime parts with these words that SPOILER will come back to bite him in the ass.
“Tell Robb Stark, I’m sorry I couldn’t make his uncle’s wedding. The Lannister’s send their regards.”
Worst plot line alert!!!!!!!!!!! It is Theon. He is being unstrapped by two fine ass women. I predicted a loss was coming as soon as I saw them.
Apparently, religious girls in Westeros are also sexually repressed.
“Miranda knows what she is doing. She trained as a septa, only she had other urges.”
The move onto the topic of Theon’s manhood.
“Everybody talks about it.”
Who does? I have never once heard it mentioned.
If you didn’t think there was enough sex talk here comes some more.
They start stripping and riding him and just when he starts to get into it, the torturer shows up blowing his horn and cock blocking. Not only is this dude a piece of shit, he is a cock block as well.
World class cock block.
He talks about Theon’s magic cock as well. I thought Podrick had the magic stick?
“Well shouldn’t we see this cock everyone is always going on about. Everyone knows you love girls, and you always thought they loved you back. Your famous cock must be very precious to you. Would you say it is your most precious part.”
This can’t end well.
Now torturer guy is going to cut Theon’s cock off. It sucks to be Theon.
Theon begs for mercy.
“I’m not killing you, just making a few alterations.”
I think I would probably rather die as well.
We move back to Jon and Ygritte, who are getting a ton of screen time this episode. They are still walking to Castle Black. Ygritte spots a windmill and thinks it is a palace.
She doesn’t know what swooning is either. They start flirting and Jon mentions how he would like Ygritte to wear a pretty dress.
“I’d like to see you in a silk dress…so I could tear it off you.” – Jon Snow
“You rip my pretty silk dress, I’ll blacken your eye.” – Ygritte
HAHAHA! Yes! She is awesome.
The conversation turns solemn for a moment.
“The wildlings have attacked the kingdoms six times, and failed six times.” – Jon Snow
Jon thinks this attempt will end poorly as well.
“You don’t have the discipline. You don’t have the training. You don’t know how to fight together…If you attack the wall you’ll die. All of you.” – Jon
“All of us.” – Ygritte
Then she comes up and kisses him out of nowhere.
“You are mine and I am yours. If we die, we die, but first we’ll live.”
In another Northernish location, Osha and Hodor are setting up the tent and Osha doesn’t like how Jojen doesn’t pull his own weight. She starts telling Hodor how she feels and he just replies,” Hodor.”
HA! It knew it was coming and it was still good.
Bran tells Osha they aren’t going to Castle Black anymore, and Osha goes on a tirade.
Apparently, she had a man once, a good one, and one night he disappeared and died. He came back as a wight and almost killed her. She had to burn the hut she lived in to the ground in order to stop him. That is why she doesn’t want to go back North of the wall. I can’t say I blame her.
Jaime has made it a bit of a the way from Harrenhal and Qyburn is cleaning out his wound.
Qyburn has a weakness and it is curiosity. He did experiments on living/dying men. That is why he lost his maester’s chain.
Qyburn informs Jaime that the Lord of Tarth offered 300 gold dragons for Brienne, but Locke won’t take it because he feels he is being cheated. Locke still thinks Brienne’s father is loaded with sapphire money. Basically, Jaime’s lie that saved her is now her doom.
Our man Jaime decides to intervene though. He convinces his escort to take him back to Harrenhal and he shows up just in time to see that the soldiers are watching Brienne v. Bear.
Brienne has a wooden sword and the bear has actual teeth.
Where is Brick Tamlan when you need him.
Jaimes wants her out, but Locke doesn’t care.
“Go buy yourself a golden hand and fuck yourself with it.” – Locke
Jaime jumps into the pit and lifts Brienne out with the old jump on the back strategy. That is great, but it always leaves the second person stranded. The Bear attacks, and Jaime runs up the wall rodeo clown style! He is barely hanging on. The whole one hand thing, but Brienne pulls him out just in time.
“The Bitch stays” – Locke
“I’m taking her to King’s Landing unless you kill me.” – Jaime
There is a standoff and finally Locke concedes and decides to let the Lady of Tarth go.
Jaime drops the, “sorry about the sapphires” line and walks out.
Season 3 MVP = Jaime “the Kingslayer” Lannister!