Game of Thrones Season 3 – Episode 8 – Second Sons

Game of Thrones Season 3 – Episode 8 – Second Sons

Overall Thoughts: While I expected more in this episode after the plodding of the last two episodes in terms of story movement, I thoroughly enjoyed the first part of Wedding Season in Westeros. Peter Dinklage pulled off a perfect drunken Tyrion. Sophie Turner put together her best performance to date, it was good to see Davos again, and it was so, so good to see Daenerys (naked) again. Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

Grade: B

We open with a rock. Not the Rock, but a rock. A rather sizable rock. Probably considered a cobble. Arya is going to use said cobble to bash Clegane’s head in.

The Hound notices what the wolf bitch is up to and gives her an offer:

“I’ll give you one try girl. Kill me and you’re free, but if you live, I’ll break both your hands. Go on hit me. Hit me hard.”

We cut to Arya on a horse with the Hound. The Hound tells Arya about how he saved Sansa.

“Ask her, who came back for her when the mob had her on her back. They would have taken her every which way, left her there with her throat cut open.”

Silly Arya thinks that the Red Fork is the Blackwater. The Hound informs her that he is going to take her to her Uncle Edmure’s wedding.

“The whole country side is yapping about it.”

It will be a wedding no one will forget.

Over in Yunkai, Dany and the two advisors are checking out the Second Sons. They are group of sellswords (mercenaries) led by a man called the Titan’s bastard.

Dany plans on converting them. She believes that they will switch sides because if they lose to a girl it would be bad for their reputation. This logic doesn’t make a ton of sense to me, but whatever.

They have a sit down and the Titan’s Bastard, some dude I forget and Daario Naharis show up. The Titan’s Bastard is a vulgar dude. If there was a dirtiest mouth in Westeros list, he would be in the top five.

Here is a list of his greatest hits followed by the rating.

“I swear I fucked you once at a pleasure house in Lys.” – 3 Stars

“She liked my ass like she was born to do it.” – 4.5 Stars

“Take your clothes off and come and sit on Mero’s lap.” – 2 Stars

*Sniffs Missandei* – 3 Stars

“Show me your cunt, let me see if it is worth fighting for.” – 4 Stars

“The Second Sons share everything, after the battle maybe we will share you.” 4 Stars

“I’ll come looking for you when this is over. *Slaps Missandei on theass* – 4.5 Stars

Wow he is a bastard!

We jump to Dragonstone, and Melisandre and Gendry are arriving on shore. God that was fast. Didn’t I talk about how quick she found the Brothers Without Banners a few weeks ago? Why is she the only one that can cover great distances quickly? It must be a red priest drink.

Stannis has a good look at Gendry. They send him to the chambers for a bath and fitting, and Stannis wonders why Melisandre doesn’t dispense with all formalities and kill the little shit already. Apparently, she has a plan.

“Have you ever slaughtered a lamb my King?…If the lamb sees the knife she panics. Her panic seeps into her meat darkens it, fouls the flavor.”

Gross.

Meanwhile in the dungeon, Davos is re-e-e-adin-gggg. T-T-T-Today JUNIOR!

Stannis comes to visit him and they debate the difference between kill and sacrifice.

Davos is Pro-Life for Gendry, while Stannis is Pro-Choice Gendry.

“What’s one bastard boy against a Kingdom.” – Stannis

Damn, Stannis is cold.

Davos doesn’t buy that reasoning. Davos knows that Stannis knows that Davos will try to talk Stannis out of sacrificing Gendry because Davos knows that Stannis knows Stannis doesn’t slaughter innocents. Or something like that.

The move the conversation into a religious debate. Davos represents the atheists. Stannis represents the born agains. They are touching on all kinds of touchy subjects tonight.

“I think mothers and fathers made up the gods because they wanted their children to sleep through the night.” – Davos

Point Davos.

“I saw a vision in the flames.  A great battle in the snow. I saw it…and you saw whatever she gave birth to. I never believed, but when you see the truth, when it is right there in front of you as real as these iron bars, how can you deny her god is real?”

Point Stannis.

I’m calling it a draw for now.

We head back to Yunkai and it is time for the Titan’s Bastard’s greatest hits volume 2.

“She won’t talk so much when she is chocking on my cock.” – 4 Stars

“My cock will find a way. Tell him. Is there any place that my cock can’t reach?” – 5 Stars

“Daario Naharis the whore who doesn’t like whores.” – 2 Stars

“She sells her cheeks and you sell your blade. What is the difference?” – 2.5 Stars

“No peeking.” *Kisses the whore on the ass* *Slaps the whore on the ass* – 3 Stars

They play a game of chance to see who has to kill Dany. Three coins passed out by the whore to the three “captains.” I didn’t get game. She can’t feel the difference of the coins? He explains which coin is which, so really she could determine which coin goes to which person right? Whatever, doesn’t matter.

Down in King’s Landing, Tyrion shows up at Sansa’s door. He sorta tells Sansa that he thinks she is hot in front of Shea. It is awkward. He has Pod take Shea out of the room. It is awkward some more.

Peter Dinklage does a great job portraying the awkwardness.

“You won’t be a prisoner after today. You will be my wife. I suppose that is a different kind of prison.”

“You’re right I have no idea how you feel.”

Oh Tyrion, none of us get how women think.

Tyrion asks Sansa if she drinks, to which she replies, “When I have to.”

He tells her, “well today you have to.” Which is practically Tyrion’s motto.

At the Great Sept of Baelor (the wedding chapel), Margaery is trying to suck up to Cersei, who tells her about the Rains of Castamere. Basically, there is some correlation between the family in the story, the Reyne’s and Tyrell’s. Both of the houses were number 2 when the wanted to be number 1! House Reyne rebelled and Tywin handled it.

“Gone, a gentle word. I’d saw slaughtered. Every man, woman and child put to the sword.”

After story time, Cersei threatens Margaery.

“If you every call me sister again, I’ll have you strangled in your sleep.”

I didn’t like this line. It is way too direct of a threat for Cersei. The delivery was great, but she is much more subtle in her scheming.

It is wedding time and Joffrey torments Sansa once again, by walking her down the aisle. What a sweet guy.

Joffrey

“I’m still the worst!”

Once the reach the top of the steps, Joffrey removes a step ladder that happens to be sitting there. Why you ask? Because Tyrion has to cloak the bride and Sansa is waaay to tall for him to pull that off. People are snickering at him and Tyrion is not amused. Neither is Tywin for the matter. Sansa kneels to help him out.

We jump back to Dragonstone and Melisandre is showing Gendry what real wealth looks like. They both share that they didn’t eat well growing up. She starts getting him drunk and then starts…putting the moves on him? I guess she has to sacrifice that ass to sacrifice his ass.

“This doesn’t seem very religious.” – Gendry

He is 100% correct on this, and on that note, where can I sign up for the Lord of Light? Who wouldn’t enjoy that service?

She makes the move and starts to ride him. Then she starts to tie him up. Kinky.

Things turn from Kinky to torturous.  She straps his feet and the poor bastard (pun intended) never knew what hit him. She pulls three leeches out of a box and puts them on his chest, stomach and COCK!

“Not there, not there!”

Damn right not there!

What is up with all the torture porn. First Theon, now Gendry.

Stannis and Davos walk in on this fucked up sex session, and then Mel pulls the leeches off with tweezers. How kind.

Stannis then names three people to die.

Robb Stark.

Balon Greyjoy.

Joffrey Baretheon.

With apologizes to Robb, two outta three ain’t bad.

It is party time in King’s Landing as well and Tyrion is looking drank. Lady Olenna is trying to figure out who will be whose uncle, brother-in-law and/or nephew/grandson.

Tywin notices Tyrion’s inebriation and scolds him.

“Your wife needs a child. A Lannister child. As soon as possible.”

Tyrion reminds daddy that he is good at two things specifically:

“Drinking and lust. No man can match me in these things.”

We then get a God of Tits and Wine call back from his conversation with Varys in season 2.

“I am the god of tits and wine. I shall build a shrine to myself at the next brothel I visit.”

All worship at the thrine of Tyrion or GOTAW!

Up in the balcony area, Loras tries to strick up a convo with Cersei, but she don’t give a fuck! She gives him the cold, cold shoulder. No wonder the dude likes dudes.

Back where most of the guests are hanging out, Joffrey corners Sansa and torments her some more.

“Maybe I’ll pay you a visit tonight after my uncle passes out.”

I didn’t know he liked girls.

Joffrey tries to get the bedding ceremony going. For those of you who don’t know, a bedding ceremony is where they rip all off the clothes of the bride and groom. The ladies carry the groom up to the bedroom and the men carry the bride up to the bedroom all while making inappropriate comments. This could be one Westerosi ceremony that I would like to check out.

Tyrion doesn’t want a bedding ceremony to go down and let’s Joffrey know it.

“You’ll be fucking your own bride with a wooden cock.”

Tywin dispenses with the bedding, and implies that Tyrion should apologize, which he sort of does through self-deprecation.

“A bad joke your grace, made out of envy of you own royal man hood. Mine is so small. My poor wife won’t even know I’m there.”

HA! Emmy for Dinklage!

Tywin points out that the half man is half drunk, or more likely whole drunk.

“Your uncle is clearly drunk your grace.” – Tywin

Tyrion admits he is and continues his Emmy performance.

“I am…guilty, but it is my wedding night. My tiny drunk cock and I have a job to do. Come wife. I vomited on a girl once in the middle of the act. Not proud of it, but I think honestly is important between a man and wife. Don’t’ you agree? Come I’ll tell you all about it, put you in the mood!”

HAHA!

Back in the bedroom, Tyrion gets a touch more serious.

“Astoundingly long…neck, you have one.”

He is talking like Yoda. We find out that Sansa is only 14! Damn!

Tyrion gets a lot more serious.

“My lord father has commanded me to consummate this marriage.”

After that news, Sansa drinks some wine!

OUCH!

She starts to take off her clothes and Tyrion watches for a moment. Then, he tells her to stop. The way he was half watching reminded me of his scene with Bronn. Where Bronn tells him something like, “you want to fuck the Stark girl, you just don’t want to admit it.”

Tyrion gets way more serious.

“I could. I won’t. If my father wants someone to get fucked I know where he can start. I won’t share your bed. Not until you want me to.”

Sansa wonders, “What if I never want you to?”

Tyrion replies, “and so my watch begins.”

Yes, another callback, this time to Season 1 and his Night’s Watch visit. The writer’s are on point with Tyrion’s dialogue tonight.

Tyrion heads over to the “couch” and passes out, hard.

We jump to Yunkai again and Dany is taking a bath talking to Missandei about languages.

Daario dressed as an unsullied is here to claim his prize.

“Don’t scream lively girl.” – Daario

He kind of talks like Jaqen H’ghar, the super assassin from Season 2, which is interesting because there are some theories out there that Daario is Jaqen. Personally, I don’t buy that theory, but it is interesting nonetheless.

He drops two heads on the floor, one belonging to some guy I don’t remember and the other belonging to THE TITAN’S BASTARD! No!!!! I guess we will never get that third greatest hits album after all.

Daario professes to be a self motivator.

“I only do what I want to do…I am Daario Naharis, I always have  choice.”

Dany stands up out of the tub to address him. I’m sure Daario enjoyed that, I sure did.

She makes him swear his allegiance, and he obliges.

We head back to King’s Landing, and Shea shows up at Tyrion and Sansa’s pad with breakfast and discovers that Tyrion didn’t sleep with Sansa. She is sooooo Happy!

North of the wall for the first time this episode, Sam, Gilly and the babe look for some shelter in the night. They find and old shack and as they head in, a raven shows up. Then another one.

Inside the shanty, Sam can’t start a fire, and Gilly invites him under the furs.

Sam

Which furs m’lady?

He jumps at that. They flirt back and forth and debate a wink and a blink and difference there in.

“A wink is on purpose.” – Gilly

Next they discuss boys names. Last names and first names. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Is this heading somewhere?

More ravens start showing up. Ut oh, a bad omen. This is heading somewhere!

Sam heads out to take a look.

There are now birds everywhere. Alfred would be proud.

The birds go quiet. Something has arrived. It is a white walker! Oh FUCKKKKK!

Sam man’s the fuck up and tries to fight it. The walker grabs Sam’s sword casts frost blot and freezes that mother fucker. Then sends Sam flying.

As the walker heads toward the babe, Sam pulls out the Dragonglass blade and stabs the thing in the back. It collapses and Sam runs off without the BLADE followed by all of the ravens!

Even though it is a holiday weekend, if you aren’t too hammered (I might be) be sure to tune in for Episode 9, it is going to be crazy good!

Edit, Episode 9 doesn’t run until June 2nd! Thanks Trav!

Game of Thrones – Season 3 – Episode 7 – The Bear and the Maiden Fair

Season 3 – Episode 7 – The Bear and the Maiden Fair

Overall Thoughts: This was another episode where not much really happened. I enjoyed the Tywin and Joffrey throne room scene and the titular fight with the bear, but other than that, this episode felt like it was missing something. It had no balls, just like Theon! (Cheap joke I know.) GRRM wrote the episode and while I enjoyed the relationships that it explored, I have to say it was probably the worst of the season in terms of events actually happening, but it also did have the most sex talk!

Grade: B-

Before the opening credits we get an N for Nudity! Wooo hooo. It has been too long.

Yunkai is in the title sequence now.

We open and Jon and Ygritte are still walking toward Castle Black. She wants discuss battle tactics that she finds silly. These include banners, bannermen, drums, drummer boys.

Apparently, the drumming is all about the rhythm according to Jon. Ygritte thinks it is all right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot.

“You know nothing, Jon Snow,” Ygritte points out about six times this episode. You could tell GRRM really likes that statement.

Orell starts giving Jon lip and Jon gives it to him right back,

“And now you are going to share it with me, the deep wisdom you found inside the head of a bird.”

Orell

“J + Y = Stupid.”

Robb Stark and company are getting rained on and it is causing them to be late for Edmure’s wedding! As I said last week, it is definitely wedding season is Westeros.

Blackfish thinks Walder Frey is wet shit. Well then. He apologizes to Talisa for saying wet shit in her presence, but she isn’t afraid of wet shit either. Robb states that Edmure is the best match in the history of House Frey. Well fuck, I feel bad for them!

Robb sends everyone packing and then he starts getting it in with wifey. I was hoping the nudity would not be used up on mid shots of Robb’s ass, but I guess that is how it goes. After round 1 is over Robb is easily distracted.

“If you don’t put some clothes on I can’t promise I won’t attack you again.”

“How am I supposed to sit here planning a war when you are over there looking like that?”

Talisa is writing a note to her mom, she is going to tell her that she is preggo. This is the first Robb is hearing of it as well. He jumps her bones again.

We jump back to Jon, and Tormund is telling him about how most men fuck. I told you this episode is full of sex talk. GRRM is a bit of a perv, me thinks.

“Most men fuck like dogs. Arf, Arf, Arf, Arf. No grace. No skill. Two dozen thrusts and done. You need to be patient. Give her time. Your cock shouldn’t go near until it is slick as a baby seal, and then you go inside, but slowly. Don’t jam it in like you are spearing a pig.”

Could that have been the best monologue ever?!? Top three for sure!

Orell starts making a move on Ygritte. What a fuck head. He needs to die.

We do find out that Ygritte loves Jon. AWWWWW!

Cave

“J + Y = Love.”

“You won’t love him so much when you find out what he really is.” – Orell

In King’s Landing, Sansa is crying AKA a normal day for Sansa Stark.

Sansa

“I’m stewpid.”

Yes, we know. You continue to be the worst.

The only plus of this scene is that we get a lot of Margaery.

Sansa is upset she has to marry the imp, and Margaery wants her to look at the bright side of things.

“Far from the worst Lannister wouldn’t you say?…Your son if I’m not mistaken, might be the lord to Casterly Rock and the North some day.”

The notion of a son reminds Sansa that her and the half man are going to have to get it on.

Marge thinks Tyrion is good looking. The talk then turns to this episodes theme, sex.

“So many of us get to try so little before we are old and grey…Pleasing us takes practice.”

Margaery you minx!

Tyrion and Bronn continue the sex talk, and Bronn continues to be the best.

“Shea is a whore. Are you gonna marry her eh?”

“Wed one, bed the other…You’ll have two women and a whole Kingdom of your own.”

“You waste time trying to get people to love ya, you’ll end up the most popular dead man in town.”

“You want to fuck that Stark girl. You just don’t want to admit it.”

Four spectacular lines from Bronn in a row! The writers love them some Bronn.

Tyrion is slightly annoyed by this.

“I don’t pay you to put evil notions in my head. The one’s already in there don’t need company.”

Bronn’s response,

“You pay me to kill people who bother ya. The evil notions come free.”

Yes!

Next up we head to the throne room and Tywin visits Joffrey after being summoned. Joffrey feels like he is being left out of the Small Council meetings. He doesn’t come because he doesn’t want to walk up all of the stairs to the Tower of the Hand. Also a great website!

Tywin shows a great level of disgust/duty with his next few lines.

“The Tower of the Hand is where I work, the walk from there to here would take time, time I could otherwise spend productively.”

“We could arrange to have you carried.”

Joff wants to change the subject, he wants to know about Dany and the Dragons. He thinks they should do something about her, but frankly, Tywin doesn’t give a shit about Dany right now, and he feels this meeting was a waste of his time.

Tywin

“Quit wasting my time youngin’.”

Tywin drops the mic and walks out, and did I notice a slight smile on Tywin’s face as he descended the stairs? I think I did!

Across the Narrow sea, Jorah wants Dany to skip past Yunkai, but she wants to free the 200,000 slaves inside the city, so she calls for a meeting.

Razdar Mo Muhammed (I have no clue what is name actually is) comes rolling up the hill in his slave powered carriage and takes a seat in Dany’s tent.

The dragons are just hanging out, and Razdar is looking kind of shook, but he starts out strong.

“Ancient and glorious is Yunkai. Our empire was old before dragons stirred in old Volantis.”

“If blood is your desire, blood shall flow.”

Translation: Razdar don’t give a fuck.

He gives Dany a present, a few chests of gold and as many ships as she needs. He wants to send her to Westeros and away from Yunkai. She offers him a gift as well, his life. How kind Khaleesi.

“You will release every slave in Yunkai. Every man woman and child shall be given as much food, clothing, and property they can carry as payment for their years of servitude. Reject this gift and I shall show you no mercy.”

DAAAMN! Dany is such a bigger bad ass in the show than I remember in the books.

Razdar gets all scared.

“You swore me safe conduct.”

“I did, but my dragons made no promises and you threatened their mother.” – Dany

The slaver wants the gold back, but Drogon ain’t having that. He swoops down and squaks/roars at the slaver’s crew.

“My gold, you gave it to me remember? And I shall put it to good use. You’d be wise to do the same with my gift to you. Now get out.”

Barristan reminds her that the Yunkai are no push overs, they won’t bend easily.

“And what happens to things that don’t bend.”

(I was standing up cheering in my living room at this point.)

If Tywin dropped the mic, Dany just spiked that mother fucker.

Dany Tough

“You don’t have to go home, but you’ve got to get the hell up outta here.”

With all this talk about presents, Tyrion doesn’t want to be left out. He gives two chains (2 Chainz?) to Shea, so she won’t be mad at him. It doesn’t work.

Tyrion offers to buy her a nice place to stay in the city and even offers to provide for any children they may have. This doesn’t work either.

Tyrion tells her, “You will always be my lady.”

She feels differently about the situation.

“I’m your whore and when you are tired of fucking me, I will be nothing.”

He should have tried singing to her. You’ll always be a part of me….

From there we have this awesome over the top shot of a boat. What boat is this? Oh, it is Melisandre and Gendry headed to Dragonstone. I think that is where they are heading anyway.

Gendry finds it awkward that he is back where he started. Melisandre tells him that he is a bastard, but his pops is Robert Baratheon.

“There is power in a king’s blood.”

Yup, he is definitely taking the place of Edric Storm.

Arya is hanging out in the cave still and she still pissed at Beric and Thoros for sending Gendry away with the red woman.

Beric says it was because R’hllor said so. Isn’t it funny that no one has said the name R’hllor yet? It is always the Lord of Light.

Arya doesn’t follow the red god, she is into death. This is an early development for her considering in the books she has already killed several people by now. So far in the show verse she has killed one, I believe.

The bowman rushes in. He has spotted a Lannister raiding party and the crew is going after them, but they promised Arya they would go to Riverrun. She flips out and bolts. They chase her into the woods, but they can’t find her. The Hound does though! Oh boy! More screen time for the Hound! How exciting!

“Kick all you want wolf girl, won’t do you no good.”

the hound

“Who found the Stark bitch? I found the Stark bitch!”

At Harrenhal, Jaime tells Brienne they must part. She has to stay and he has to go. He feels like he owes her though.

“You gave your word. Keep it and consider the debt paid.” – Brienne

“I will return the Stark girls to their mother. I swear it.”

Jaime heads off towards King’s Landing with Maester Qyburn and a small party.

Jaime parts with these words that SPOILER will come back to bite him in the ass.

“Tell Robb Stark, I’m sorry I couldn’t make his uncle’s wedding. The Lannister’s send their regards.”

Worst plot line alert!!!!!!!!!!! It is Theon. He is being unstrapped by two fine ass women. I predicted a loss was coming as soon as I saw them.

Apparently, religious girls in Westeros are also sexually repressed.

“Miranda knows what she is doing. She trained as a septa, only she had other urges.”

The move onto the topic of Theon’s manhood.

“Everybody talks about it.”

Who does? I have never once heard it mentioned.

If you didn’t think there was enough sex talk here comes some more.

They start stripping and riding him and just when he starts to get into it, the torturer shows up blowing his horn and cock blocking. Not only is this dude a piece of shit, he is a cock block as well.

Ramsay

World class cock block.

He talks about Theon’s magic cock as well. I thought Podrick had the magic stick?

“Well shouldn’t we see this cock everyone is always going on about. Everyone knows you love girls, and you always thought they loved you back. Your famous cock must be very precious to you. Would you say it is your most precious part.”

This can’t end well.

Now torturer guy is going to cut Theon’s cock off. It sucks to be Theon.

Theon begs for mercy.

“I’m not killing you, just making a few alterations.”

I think I would probably rather die as well.

We move back to Jon and Ygritte, who are getting a ton of screen time this episode. They are still walking to Castle Black. Ygritte spots a windmill and thinks it is a palace.

She doesn’t know what swooning is either. They start flirting and Jon mentions how he would like Ygritte to wear a pretty dress.

“I’d like to see you in a silk dress…so I could tear it off you.” – Jon Snow

“You rip my pretty silk dress, I’ll blacken your eye.” – Ygritte

HAHAHA! Yes! She is awesome.

The conversation turns solemn for a moment.

“The wildlings have attacked the kingdoms six times, and failed six times.” – Jon Snow

Jon thinks this attempt will end poorly as well.

“You don’t have the discipline. You don’t have the training. You don’t know how to fight together…If you attack the wall you’ll die. All of you.” – Jon

“All of us.” – Ygritte

Then she comes up and kisses him out of nowhere.

“You are mine and I am yours. If we die, we die, but first we’ll live.”

In another Northernish location, Osha and Hodor are setting up the tent and Osha doesn’t like how Jojen doesn’t pull his own weight. She starts telling Hodor how she feels and he just replies,” Hodor.”

HA! It knew it was coming and it was still good.

Bran tells Osha they aren’t going to Castle Black anymore, and Osha goes on a tirade.

Apparently, she had a man once, a good one, and one night he disappeared and died. He came back as a wight and almost killed her. She had to burn the hut she lived in to the ground in order to stop him. That is why she doesn’t want to go back North of the wall. I can’t say I blame her.

Jaime has made it a bit of a the way from Harrenhal and Qyburn is cleaning out his wound.

Qyburn has a weakness and it is curiosity. He did experiments on living/dying men. That is why he lost his maester’s chain.

Qyburn informs Jaime that the Lord of Tarth offered 300 gold dragons for Brienne, but Locke won’t take it because he feels he is being cheated. Locke still thinks Brienne’s father is loaded with sapphire money. Basically, Jaime’s lie that saved her is now her doom.

Our man Jaime decides to intervene though. He convinces his escort to take him back to Harrenhal and he shows up just in time to see that the soldiers are watching Brienne v. Bear.

Brienne has a wooden sword and the bear has actual teeth.

Where is Brick Tamlan when you need him.

Jaimes wants her out, but Locke doesn’t care.

“Go buy yourself a golden hand and fuck yourself with it.” – Locke

Jaime jumps into the pit and lifts Brienne out with the old jump on the back strategy. That is great, but it always leaves the second person stranded. The Bear attacks, and Jaime runs up the wall rodeo clown style! He is barely hanging on. The whole one hand thing, but Brienne pulls him out just in time.

“The Bitch stays” – Locke

“I’m taking her to King’s Landing unless you kill me.” – Jaime

There is a standoff and finally Locke concedes and decides to let the Lady of Tarth go.

Jaime drops the, “sorry about the sapphires” line and walks out.

Season 3 MVP = Jaime “the Kingslayer” Lannister!

Game of Thrones Season 3 – Episode 6 – The Climb

Game of Thrones Season 3 Episode 6 – The Climb

Overall Thoughts: While this Episode had some awesome scenes, it was one of the slower episodes of the Season. I understand they had to slow down a bit to give the storylines some room to grow and expand, but I felt like several of them were at more of a crawl than a walk. The pacing of the show will always be a problem and that is because the pacing of the books is a problem, but there will always be a few major set pieces per season that will knock people’s socks off.

Grade: B-

We open with Sam, Gilly and the babe.

“You’ve got to much wood in there,” Gilly tells Sam referring to the fire.

Sam

“If she only knew.”

They discuss how Sam is highborn, and he changes the subject to the Dragonglass blade.

“What does it do?” Gilly wondered.

It is used for stabbing, duh.

They are still a few days from the Wall, and Sam details the finer things from Castle Black, like a fire that is always burning and venison stew. He starts to sing to the babe.

“The father’s face is stern and strong…”

“The mother gives the gift of life…”

Side note: All this talk of the seven reminded me of a reader theory I found last week and I have to pass it on. These aren’t really spoilers, but the correlation is interesting. Basically the Starks are matched up to the Seven new Gods, and it all fits except for maybe Rickon.

The Seven is really a single deity with seven aspects, each symbolizes a different area of life.

Ned is the Father, which sits in judgment over souls.

Catelyn is The Mother, which is prayed to for mercy, fertility, childbirth and peace.

Robb is the Warrior, who represents protection, valor, and skill in battle

Sansa is the Maiden, or purity, love and beauty.

Arya is the Stranger, or death, which if you know what she is doing in the latest books fits.

Bran is the Crone representing wisdom and forsight.

That means Rickon would be the Smith. So, it could be him who rebuilds Winterfell. Rickon is still up in there air because we don’t know a lot about him.

Check out this video for more information about the gods.

Back to the Episode.

At another camp fire, Osha and Meera talk shit to each other about who can skin rabbits better, who can hunt better and who can be bitchier. Osha gets in the best burns in the exchange.

“You’ve got a big mouth girl, and too many teeth.”

“Lady Reed has a stick so far up her ass it’s a wonder her feet touch the ground.”

Bran does his whole I’m a Stark routine and forces them to get along.

game-of-thrones-season-3-osha

“You’re a good little hunter, and a quite the little bitch.”

Jojen begins to convulse. At first I thought he was doing the Harlem Shake, Westeros, but apparently, Green seers are also epileptic. I don’t remember that from the book.

Rickon gets two line of dialogue! I almost forgot he was alive. Jojen was dreaming of a white walker, and saw our boy Jon Snow.

“I saw Jon Snow…he is on the wrong side of the wall.” – Jojen

Speaking of Jon boy, we jump to Jon and Ygritte preparing to climb the wall. Ygritte calls Jon out for being afraid, I know I would be 700 feet, fuck that.

JS Climb

“Bitch that wall is 700 feet high, and you want me to climb it with a rope and a pick axe?”

Ygritte gives Jon some climbing shoes because he is good at oral. She stole them from her ex-boyfriend. She then continues to be horny all the time and talks about how good his skill in bed is.

“You’re a proper lover Jon Snow.”

“You’re going to be loyal to your woman.”

She gets real on him for a minute.

“It is you and me that matters to me and you…Don’t ever betray me.”

I would not cheat on Ygritte if I was you Jon Snow.

“I’ll cut your pretty cock right off and wear it around me neck.”

Okay….

I would definitely not cheat on Ygritte if I was you Jon Snow!!!

jon questions

“I got myself a crazy red-hed!”

We head back South, and Arya is doing her creepy prayer thingy and learning how to shoot a bow and arrow. She has good aim, but apparently she is takes to long to aim.

“Never hold.”

“Never aim.”

Melisandre shows up. How did she find them so fast? Some of these people have been roaming around the Riverlands for two seasons and she finds them in two  episodes?

Mel is giving Thoros shit for being a drunk. I think that is his best quality. When Thoros said “You worship him your way and I worship him mine,” in high valaryian I actually read the subtitles as “I worship him with wine.” That would have been way better.

Beric Dead

“I worship him with wine.”

She is here to see Beric, who looks like he has died six times over. Mel examines him and is jealous that Thoros can resurrect people. Umm, this is the same chick that squirts demons out of her gash. She should not be surprised by this. Thoros goes into a monologue about his faith and we learn he used to fuck all the whores in King’s Landing. That must have been a lot of work.

I did however like the following quote:

“I knelt beside his cold body and said the old words. Not because I believed in them, but he was my friend and he was dead.”

Beric tells us that there is only darkness on the other side. That is depressing.

Mel finally tells us why she is here. She wants Gendry, and not in the table fucking way she wanted Stannis. Naturally, Arya doesn’t like Melisandre and Gendry points out why.

“That’s cause you’re a girl.”

This is the second time this episode has expressed that even in Westeros girls don’t like each other.

Mel steals Gendry and tells them he is more than they (the Brotherhood) will ever be.

“You will make Kings rise and fall.”

Gendry

“From what I’ve heard you make certain Kings rise all the time m’lady.”

It seems as though Gendry is going to take the place of Edric Storm a young bastard who Stannis and Mel wanted to sacrifice for his King’s blood in the books.

“You’re a witch,” Arya tells Mel.

Gendry

“I think you meant bitch.”

Mel then touches Arya and has a vision.

“I see a darkness in you, and in that darkness eyes staring back at me. Brown eyes. Blue eyes. Green eyes. Eyes you will shut forever. We will meet again.”

I feel this represents all of the people Arya is going to kill.

Back at the wall, the climb has begun.

Jon looks down. Don’t ever look down. Ygritte continues to bust Jon’s balls even when they are some 400 feet in the air.

“You staring at me ass Jon Snow?”

He slips, but ends up alright.

We head back to the X, or as my friend Trav point out, Saint Andrew’s cross that Theon is tied to. He is still being tortured, and we find out it was is for no good reason.

Literally his torturer says.

“This isn’t happening to you for a reason.”

Yup, we know.

I liked Theon’s conversion in the books, but I also liked not seeing it firsthand. It is kind of boring to watch someone get tortured.

The torturer makes up a story that he is the son of Rickard Karstark. Why? I don’t know, just like I don’t have any clue why they are shoving this storyline down our throats. I already felt bad for Theon.

I hope they get this storyline over quickly.

Over at Tully manor, Robb Stark meets with some Frey’s and they are planning a wedding as well. Apparently it is wedding season in Westeros!

Edmure has to marry one of the Frey girls. Hey, at least she is 19.

Robb wants to wait, but the Frey’s insist.

“His recent experience has made him weary of long engagements.”

When the Frey’s leave the room Edmure tells Robb that he won’t be marrying just anyone.

“Why should I let that old ferret choice my bride for me?”

Robb and the council really turn the screws into him and he comes around.

Edmure

“I’ll marry her, but she better at least be a 4.”

Roose Bolton is giving audience to Brienne and Jaime. Brienne looks pretty in her dress and Jaime looks to be having a tough time cutting his steak.

Bri and J dress

Roose will allow Jaime to go, but he has to tell his Daddy that Roose had nothing to do with his maiming.

Roose also doesn’t drink. No wonder he sucks.

Jaime assumes Brienne is going to come with him to King’s Landing, but we find out Roose has other plans for her. Then he drops this line on Jaime.

“I would have hoped you learned your lesson about overplaying your…position.”

What a dick.

Next up, we have the best scene of the Episode. Tywin v. Lady Olenna in a debate about who will marry who.

Tywin scores points first going after Loras’ sexuality.

“My stomach remains quite strong however. The only thing that might turn it are details of your grandson’s nocturnal activities.”

Lady Olenna brushes it off.

“It is a natural thing for two boys to go at it underneath the sheets.”

In Highgarden dudes banging dudes happens all the time.

“A sword swallower through and through.” – Lady Olenna about Loras.

Lady Olenna then turns the conversation to rumors about Jaime and Cersei sticking each other.

Tywin doesn’t have time for that nonsense and tells her he will name Loras to the Kingsguard, if Lady Olenna denies the marriage. Thus Highgarden will go to Joffrey and Margaery’s kids.

The queen of thorns lost this round.

Back at the wall, the climbing crew is a little closer to their goal. They run into trouble though when a wallvalanche spills down and causes Jon and Ygritte to fall. That son-of-a-bitch Orell cuts the rope, but Jon just manages to get to swing to the edge and grab on just in time. Then, he saves the girl. Jon gives Orell the “I’m going to fucking kill you” look. I can’t wait to see that.

jon

“Fuck you Bird man.”

Sansa and Loras discuss their potential wedding and broaches and pins. Oh if they only knew. Loras has been planning his wedding day for quite a while from the sounds of things.

Tyrion and Cersei both discuss the fact that they aren’t happy about getting set up with the Tyrells.

“We can have them both killed.” – Cersei

Cersei finally gives Tyrion credit for saving the day during the Battle of the Blackwater.

We also find out that it was Joffrey who ordered Ser Mandon to go after Tyrion.

Tyrion wonders what would happen if Jaime showed up and found out Cersei was to be wed.

“Ser Loras may come down with a terrible case of sword through bowels.”

Doesn’t Ser Loras get a sword to the bowels like every other night?

Tyrion has to tell Sansa about their engagement and he has to do it in front of his girl Shea. This is surely not going to end well.

“How to begin? This, this is awkward.” – Tyrion

Varys and Littlefinger are chilling in the throne room debating how many blades are in the throne. Littlefinger and Varys both express their views on order and chaos.

Varys is pro order, Littlefinger is pro chaos.

“The realm..Do you know what the realm is? It’s the thousand blades of Aegon’s enemies. A story we agree to tell each other over and over until we forget it is a lie.” – Littlefinger

“But what do we have left once we abandon the lie. Chaos, a gaping pit waiting to swallow us all.” – Varys

Then Littlefinger goes into the monologue of the Episode and one of the best of the Season. I seriously watched it 10 times, back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back.

“Chaos isn’t a pit. Chaos is a ladder. Many who try to climb it fail, never get to try again. The fall breaks them. And some are given a chance to climb, but they refuse. They cling to the realm, or the gods, or love. Illusions. Only the ladder is real. The climb is all there is.”

Woooooowwww. 10 points to Gryffindor for whoever wrote that shit.

Speaking of the climb Jon and Ygritte finally make it to the top and the sun comes out to greet them.

We get a great view of the landscape and then Jon and Ygritte make out on top of the world. Yeehaw.

Makeout

Game of Thrones Season 3 Episode 5 – Kissed By Fire

Season 3 Episode 5 – Kissed By Fire

I apologize for missing last week. I’ve been busy.

Overall Thoughts: Last week was the best episode of the Season and featured perhaps the best episode ending of the entire series (Blackwater and the beheading of Ned would be the others). This episode didn’t disappoint either. It was very solid and had some great, great scene work. The bathhouse scene with Jaime and Brienne did not disappoint. I told you in the beginning that you would like Jaime and a lot of people are jumping on the bandwagon!  He is on the road to redemption.

Grade: A-

The show opens with Thoros giving a prayer.

“For the night is dark and full of terrors.”

He is prepping Beric for his one-on-one battle with the Hound. Thoros ignites Dondarrion’s blade and it is ON!

Beric Kissed_Fire3

Shit just got real.

They knock a bunch of shit around and Thoros has to move Arya out of the way at one point. Beric gets the upper hand and lights the Hounds’ shield on fire. The crowd starts chanting “guilty” and Arya gets into it as well. The Hound battles back and out of nowhere cleaves Beric’s shoulder in half, it had to be a death blow.

Beric Dead

“Well, that didn’t go according to plan.”

The Red Priest goes to Beric’s aid and starts praying for him. Arya goes after the Hound herself, but Gendry intervenes.

The Hound laughs and says, “I guess their god likes me more than your butcher’s boy.”

I laugh. Why did I laugh? That shit isn’t funny.

Why do I like the Hound so much? Oh, I remember.

Arya tells him to burn in hell and Beric stands up. I thought he was dead?

“He will but not today.” – Beric Dondarrion

He is alive?!? WTF?

I thought you were done for Dondarrion!

North of the Wall, Orell is all up Jon’s ass asking questions about how many Crows are at Castle Black, which castles are manned and stuff. Jon surely doesn’t appreciate the game of 20 questions.

jon questions

“What’s with all the questions, bird man?

“What happens to your eagle after I kill you? Does he drift away like a kite with the strings cut or does he just flop dead to the ground.”

Jon is finally starting to be a badass.

The true badass, Tormund Giantsbane steps in.

After things settle down, Ygritte steals Jon’s sword and runs into a cave. She starts stripping. It looks like she wants Jon’s other sword as well.

“I want you to see me. All of me.”

Cave

Oh we see you Ygritte. We see YOU!

The start making out and Jon goes South of the WALL! Wowzers!

“You know nothing Jon…OH OH!”

She then asks Jon the best question ever posed on GOT:

“That thing you did with your mouth, is that what lords do to their ladies in the south?”

Snow’s response:

“I don’t know I just wanted to kiss you there is all.”

Damn son. You a smoothie, definitely a smoothie.

We find out Jon was a virgin, or a maid.

Ygritte starts talking about all the dick she has gotten and Jon changes the subject. They hop in the water and start going at it again. Maybe she should have bathed before he went down on her! Courtesy Ygritte, courtesy!

Back in the other cave, the Hound wants his gold. They argue and set him free, but not before these parting words…

“The Lord of Light isn’t done with you yet!”

Roose Bolton is presented with the Kingslayer, Jaime Lannister.

“You’ve lost a hand.” – Roose to Jaime

roose_bolton

No shit Sherlock.

Roose frees Brienne.

Jaime asks about word from the capital and Roose makes it sound like Cersei is dead, but then pulls a just kidding! Weird. What a freak.

Jaime collapses and heads off the see the Maester Qyburn, who wants to take the whole arm, but Jaime isn’t down for that.

He don’t want no stinking Milky of the Poppy! That’s right. Jaime is no pussy bitch.

Also, this exchange is great.

“There will be pain.” – Qyburn

“I’ll scream. – Kingslayer

“Quite a bit of pain.” – Kybin

“I’ll scream loudly”

handless

He made his sister scream as well. Cheap joke, sorry.

In King’s Landing, Cersei puts Littlefinger on assignment to find out what the Tyrells are up to.

Meanwhile, Lady Olenna is meeting with Tyrion and she is her usually thorny self.

“Gods boy that’s enough we’re not in a tavern.”

“I always take figs in the afternoon. They help move the bowels.”

Gross.

Tyrion wants to cut costs for the Royal Wedding. Lady Olenna says no way, and disses Tyrion.

“I was told you were a drunk, impertinent and thoroughly divulged. You will imagine my disappointment and finding nothing but a brow beaten book keeper.”

Damn! Tyrion does need to get back to being his cheery, drunken self.

After a bit, she offers to pay for half and Tyrion is pleased.

Back to Arya, who is talking to Gendry and he informs her that he is going to stay and work for the Brotherhood. Arya argues with him for a while, but Gendry makes a good point.

“I’ve served men my entire life.”

She walks away. Arya lost another friend.

arya sad

AWWWWWWW. Tear.

At Riverrun, Rickard Karstark and company kill the little Lannister boys.

What a fuck head.

Robb is told, and he is PISSSSSSED!

His council, Edmure, Catlyn and Talisa all want him to keep Karstark as a hostage. He decides to hang them all and kill Rickard Karstark even though he will lose many, many men, about half.

“This one was only the watcher. Hang him last so he can watch the others die.”

DAAAAAMN.

“He has to die.”

It is raining outside. This scene is very similar to when Theon cut off that guys’ head in season 2. Unlike Theon, it only took one swing for Robb. He is a home run hitter.

Karstark

“Kill me and be cursed. You are no King of mine.”

What a sweet scene.

We follow the fire back to Arya, who is going through her special psycho list of people she wants to die.

Thoros is boozing, and tells Arya that they are going to ransom her. They don’t want too, but…

Thoros again

“We need the gold.”

I love Thoros.

Beric joins the party and tells Arya he has died before. What?

How many times?

“Five I think. No, this will be six.”

And you’ve been got by both the Mountain and the Hound?

“Second time I’ve been killed by a Clegane.”

Does it make you feel weird?

“Every time I come back, I’m a bit less.”

Arya wants to know if Thoros could bring back Ned, even though he is sans head.

Cantcomeback

“Sorry, sweetie, ain’t no coming back from this!”

Doesn’t work that way apparently. Good thought though!

We meet Stannis’ wife. She is big into the Lord of Light.

Apparently he keeps her locked in a tower. Melisandre has been snitching on Stannis though.

QueenSelyseBaratheon

“I know you’ve been creeping with other tricks and I don’t give a damn.”

She also has three dead babies in jars. This bitch is crazier than the rest of the crazies.

“When she told me, I wept with joy.”

“She gave you a son.”

No, she gave him a vagina monster.

Stannis wants to see his daughter, Shireen

She has some sort of shingles on her face. I think it is called greyscale in the books.

Shireen

“Hey, at least I’m better looking than Honey Boo Boo.”

She has a very pretty voice though. It looks like she is locked in a tower as well.

The girl is a real sweetheart. She wants to know if the Onion Knight is with him, and Stannis tells her the Onion Knight has been a bad boy.

“He is rotting in a dungeon cell for his crime.”

Back with Jaime and Brienne, who is naked as her name day taking a bath.

Jaime jumps in with her and Brienne is shook.

shook

“There is another tub.”

He starts prodding her about Renly again and he apologizes.

Once again Renly gets more postmortem love than he did when he was alive.

Jaime goes into the story that helped to make him my favorite character.

JLB

“I should’ve told everyone that King was cray.”

“Do you think the honorable Ned Stark wanted to hear my side? He judged me guilty the moment he sent eyes on me. By what right does the wolf judge the lion?”

He has just lived with so much hate for so long. What a powerful scene. The ending was a bit over the top, with him moaning “my name is Jaime,” but it was great nonetheless.

Back on Dragonstone, Davos is visited by Stannis’ young daughter. She wants to teach him to read. How sweet.

“This word is Aegon.”

We jump back to Essos and Jorah Mormont and Barristan are discussing Thoros and being knighted.

“All I could think off was how badly I had to piss.”

Selmy also speaks about how Robert Baratheon and Aerys were bad kings and how Dany would be a good ruler.

Speaking of, Dany tells the Unsullied they can change their names. The chosen leader Grey Worm would rather keep his name. It is his lucky name.

greyworm

“Just don’t call me Dracarys.”

“Red Flea, Black Rat. Names that remind them who they are. Vermin.”

By the way, how cool is the language they speak. It sounds awesome.

Selmy and Mormont continue to talk and Mormont is tyring to find out if Barristan knows about his betrayal.

Barristan then really pisses off Jorah, but inferring that he would make Dany look bad back in Westeros. Jorah tells him to fuck off.

In Riverrun, Robb is working on a new strategy now that the Karstarks have left him. He determines that he will attack Casterly Rock with the help of Walder Frey. Yes, the same Walder Frey that he screwed over before. Is this a good plan? Most likely some concessions will have to be made.

“I’m going to take their home away from them.”

Also, Talisa tells Robb she doesn’t even know where Winterfell is.

Wasn’t she of noble birth? They don’t teach them geography across the sea? I don’t think that adds up.

Sansa and Margaery are chilling in the garden watching Loras spar. Sansa wants to know when she will be wed to Loras. She also believes that Joffrey won’t let it happen.

Margaery thinks otherwise.

“And only one to let you go. Because it will please me.”

Marge

Every dude watching the show would like to please you.

She is awful full of herself, and I like it.

All of a sudden one of the squires is hitting on Loras and we cut to them in the bedroom trying to poke each other with fleshy spears.

“That didn’t take long.” – Littlefinger.

Which part was he referring to?

The squire was a spy for Lord Baelish, and he informs Littlefinger that Loras is engaged to be wed. That cunning bastard Littlefinger figured it out in about ten seconds.

He meets with Sansa to confirm the rumor, and Sansa all of a sudden wants to stay. Littlefinger is way to smart for that shit.

Finally, we come to the closing scene. It was fucking awesome.

Tyrion meets with Tywin and Cersei is already there wanting as well.

“Your sister has learned that your new friends the Tyrells are plotting to marry Sansa Stark to Ser Loras.”

Tyrion finds this amusing.

“Missing some of Loras’ favorite bits, but I’m sure they’ll make do.”

Tywin does not, apparently Sansa is the key to the North.

Tywin is setting up everything up for a huge bomb.

“We will find Sansa Stark a different husband.”

tywin n tyrion

TYRION!

The half-man is not down with this plan, but Tywin insists.

“The girls’ happiness is not my concern, nor should it be yours.”

“You will wed her bed her and put a child in her. Surely your capable of that.”

They debate some more and the information that Tyrion has been married before pops up.

“I was wed.”

Then Charles Dance delievers three words in such a powerful way.

Tywin strong

“Only too well.”

He says it through his teeth, and that shit seriously gave me chills.

Cersei is super excited about the developments, then Tywin flips it on her. She has to marry Loras Tyrell.

Now she is all, “Daddy, NO!”

“I’m Queen Regent, not some brood mare.”

Tywin insists again.

“You’re my daughter. You will do as I command!”

Tywin gets up and leaves the room.

“My children,” he says with disgust. “You’ve disgraced the Lannister name for far too long.”

Cut to black.

Holy FUCK! This show is even exciting when it is planning weddings! What other show can possibly say that?

 

Game of Thrones Season 3 Episode 3 – Walk of Punishment

Season 3 –Episode 3 – “Walk of Punishment”

Overall Thoughts: We touched in with almost everyone and some people we haven’t seen in a while. The cliffhanger ending was excellent, but I’m sure the critics who complain about the pacing of the show will be whining once again. I think things are really starting to ramp up and we are about to hit the ground running in Episodes 4 through 10. Every storyline is starting to come along and I have really liked some of the changes they have made to pack everything from early on in the book into three episodes. I am still not a huge fan of the Theon storyline, because I know where it leads, but you can’t say that horse chase wasn’t exciting.

Grade: B+

We open at a funeral. The Stark clan sends Catelyn’s father down river. Edmure Tully is supposed to light the fire with a flaming arrow, but he can’t hit shit. Three misses in a row, pathetic. His Uncle Brynden “the Blackfish” Tully grabs the bow out of Edmure’s hand and lights that son of a bitch on the first try.

Blackfish

“I got this shit.”

We cut inside and Edmure wants to talk about the mill he took in battle. Blackfish tells him the shut his trap and make sure to call Robb “King”.

Robb is also pissed at Edmure because he didn’t listen to his plan, and lead the Mountain into a trap.

“He is a mad dog without a strategic thought in his head. I could have his head on a spike by now.”

208 men were lost in the Mill battle and Robb ain’t happy about it.

“We need our men more than Tywin needs his!”

Richard Madden was extremely convincing with this speech. I love how the show is making Robb seem like much more of a capable leader.

robb-stark

“What the fuck, Edmure?”

We jump to a small council meeting and Petyr Baelish cuts off Varys and Maester Pycelle to get a seat next to Tywin, who is sitting at the head of the table. Speaking of Varys it is the first time we have seen him this Season. This is what he looks like in real life. Look at all that hair.

Real Varys

“Yeah, I got a dick in real life too.”

Cersei joins the meeting and moves her chair up next to Tywin on his right. Varys gives her the best dirty look and then Tyrion moves his chair opposite of Tywin, but he does so in a way only Tyrion could. He drags it along the floor noisily and boy is it funny. I love the way Dinklage plays it.

Tywin wants to know about Jaime, but no one has any notion of where he is and the Hand doesn’t like that shit.

Tywin

“How did I get stuck with this group of idiots?”

They move onto other topics and we discover the Littlefinger is going to marry Lysa Arryn the Queen of the Vale. You remember her right, the crazy bitch who breast feeds a 12 year old and acts all nutty with her tit always popping out?

lysa-arryn

“I’m a crazy bitch.”

“She has always been positively predisposed towards me.”

How cocky of you Baelish. I love it.

“The Young Wolf can add his own aunt to the list of people who have taken up arms against him.” – Tywin

Tyrion points out that with Littlefinger out there won’t be a Master of Coin. Tywin agrees and tells Tyrion that he will be the new Master of Coin.

“I’m quite good at spending money, but a lifetime of outrageous wealth hasn’t taught me much about managing it.”

We jump to the captured Jaime and Brienne. The group of Boltons men is singing the Bear and the Maiden Fair.

Jaime is bitching at Brienne because he wasn’t armed when they were taken. Brienne points out that he actually was and then hits him with a burn.

“All my life I’ve been hearing Jaime Lannister, what a brilliant swordsman. You were slower than I expected and more predictable.”

“Maybe people just love to praise a famous name.”

Jaime makes a few excuses, then turns shit serious.

“You’ll be raped… If you fight them they will kill you.”

He suggests she just takes it. After showing that maybe he does care about her a little, he goes back to the barbs.

“Close your eyes and pretend it is Renly.”

Is it just me or does Renly get mentioned more often in season 3 then in any season he was actually in? His name comes up at least twice an episode.

Meanwhile at the Inn, Gendry is helping Thoros with his armor. Arya is annoyed that Gendry would help the Red Priest. She spots the Hound, who continues to be awesome when talking about how using a bow is for pussies.

“Cowards weapon. I like to fight up close. I like to see a man’s face when I put the steel in him.”

Arya asks if he remembers the last time he was here. Why? I can’t remember either.

Oh yeah, this is the Inn he killed Arya’s buddy the baker boy at way back in season 1. Thanks Todd!

“It looks like every other shit inn on the road.”

God his delivery is excellent.

Hot Pie tells Gendry and Arya that he is staying. Apparently he is quite the baker. Who would have guessed that a fat kid can bake?

He gives Arya a piece of bread shaped like a wolf.

Hot Pie tells Gendry, “Don’t get stabbed.”

Gendry tells Hot Pie, “You don’t…burn your fingers.”

Ha! Hilarious.

Gendry rolls out awkwardly and Arya says goodbye.

The head out on horse back.

Back in Riverrun Cat is talking to her Uncle Blackfish about war and her dad.

“Your father was a stubborn old ox. I was surprised when he died, didn’t think death had the patience.”

Cat is reminded of her children and she gets sad.

“I wonder how many times did Bran or Rickon stare across the moors of Winterfell waiting for me to return? I will never see them again.”

She cries, again.

Mommy

“I’m a tear factory.”

Blackfish tells her she has to remain strong for Robb.

Talisa is tending to the wounds of two young Lannisters.

They ask if the rumors about Robb are true, and she starts toying with them.

“My husband doesn’t eat children. Unless it is a full moon.”

Talisa_Maegyr

“Robb only eats me during the full moon as well. He’s a selfish lover.”

Up North we have a crop circle of dead horses. What the fuck?

“You said there was dead crows.” – Mance

“There was.” – Orell

“You know what those men are now.” – Mance

Mance says you shouldn’t bet against Mormon and then decides it is time to strike. He tells Tormund to take Jon and climb the wall. He tells Gianstbane to toss Jon if he doesn’t follow orders.

“Throw him off the wall. See if crows can fly.”

He asks that they wait for a signal. “What signal?”, Orell asks.

“When it’s time, I’m going to light the biggest fire the North has ever seen!”

Well okay then! That will be hard to miss I’m guessing.

At Craster’s Keep the Night’s Watch try to regroup. They look like hell.

Craster is an asshole as always. His daughter is giving birth and he wants her to pipe down.

“Tell her to bite down on a rag, or she can bite down on my fist.”

He picks on Sam.

“Well look at him. He is a walking feast!”

Gilly is the one giving birth, and Sam sneaks in for a peep show. Perv.

It is a boy and as soon as Gilly spots him he runs. Just like a peeping Tom!

And then there was X, or at least the X Theon is tied to.

The sweeper kid from last week is here to save the day!

“If you can’t ride you don’t stand a chance.”

“I can ride.”

Theon-Greyjoy-and-Osha

Ride Bitches that is!

He frees Theon and sends him on his way.

At Dragonstone, Melisandre is leaving and Stannis doesn’t understand why. She is heading wherever the fires show her to go.

Stannis also wants another son, but Melisandre says he can’t handle it.

“You don’t have the strength.”

“Your fires burn low my king.”

There is another way though.

“There are others with your blood in their veins. First there must be sacrifices. The lord of light demands it.”

Stannis also mentions Renly in this scene as well. Man that dude gets a ton of chat about him.

We hop to Astapor and Dany tries to give a slave water. He would rather die.

Barristan wants to leave Astapor.

“We can find sellswords at Pentos and Myr.”

Jorah wants to stay.

They argue for a bit.

“The unsullied are not men. They do not rape.”

Barristan talks about Rhaegar, Dany’s brother.

“They followed him into battle because they loved him.”

Selmy tells her that he fought with the last dragon.

Dany tells him “I’m the last Dragon bitch!”

I thought the last dragon was Bruce Lee, but whatever.

She tells Kraznys that she will buy all the Unsullied.

As usual he insults her and it is hilarious.

“The slut thinks she can flash her tits and and make us give her whatever she wants.”

Dany wants the half-trained boys as well.

“I will have them all or take none.”

Kraznys says she can only afford a few.

“Her ship is worth 100, and this because I like the curve of her ass.”

This dude is so, sexist.

How does she purpose to pay for the other 7,877 Unsullied?

Dany offers up a dragon. A DRAGON? WHAT?

Jorah and Barristan beg her not to.

“One.” Dragon, the biggest dragon.

Done.

As a gift Dany wants Messandei. I want Messandei too! Damn she is fine.

 Messandi

This one like.

Outside, Dany gets all pissy and tells Jorah and Barristan not to embarrass her in public.

Dany and Messandi walk and talk, and it is a walk of hotness.

We discover what Valar Morgulis means.

“All men must die.”

But they aren’t men.

At Littlefinger’s office, Tyrion is picking up some books and Pod is checking out Ros’s tits.

Littlefinger and Tyrion discuss debt and Ros.

“I did fuck her once.”

“I know.” – Littlefinger

I thought it was twice!

Tyrion asks for advice and Baelish tells him to keep a low profile.

“They’re only numbers. Numbers on paper. Once you understand that it is easy to make them behave. Trivial even. You want a real challenge? Try whores.”

“I’ve tried a few.”

Bronn is hitting on some sluts and continues to be awesome.

“Unless Lord twat beard made up a bunch of numbers to hide what he was really up to.”

Twat Beard!

Tyrion and Bronn bought not one, not two, but three whores for Pod.

Number 1 is good with first timers.

“She is not bad with second timers either.”

Number 2 is a good spear handler, and number three can even preform a proper Myrennese Knot!

Bronn gives the boy some advice, “Pace yourself lad!”

Yes!

At Tyrion’s hangout he discovers that Littlefinger has been borrowing money from Casterly Rock and the Iron Bank of Braavos.

Tyrion explains the concept of a loan to Tyrion.

“If we fail to repay these loans, they will fund our enemies. One way or another, they always get there money back.”

Pod shows up and we find out that the whores didn’t make him pay.

“What did you do to them?” Bronn asks.

“All kinds of stuff.”

“These ladies enjoyed him so much they gave him their time for free?” – Bronn

“We are going to need details. Copious details.” – Tyrion

Pod

Apparently Pod is hung like a mule!

Theon is on the run and an arrow whizzes right by his head. Some men on horseback are after him. They have a cool jaunt through the woods, and Theon is dehorsed.

That must have hurt.

His chasers beat on him a bit, then we find out that in Westeros they ass fuck runaways.

Theon is not happy about this.

“I’m going to fuck you into the dirt.”

What?!? I don’t think I was supposed to laugh at this line, but I did.

Arrows begin to fly into Theon’s captors.

He is saved once again. No ass fucking for Theon. Not today anyway.

Brienne and Jaime are tied to different trees, and as expected the boys are going to try to rape Brienne.

It looks as if rape is the theme of this week’s episode.

She fights and gets beat down.

Jaime tells the man in charge that Brienne is from Tarth, and that her father would pay if she is returned unharmed.

“The call it the Sapphire Isles…Sapphires are gemstones, the good ones.”

His lie seems to work. They decide not to rape her.

“Your father he pay your weight in gold to get you back?” – Locke

Jaime goes into full on Lannister mode and tries to buy his way out.

“Lands, titles you will have them all. The North can’t win this war.”

“Fighting bravely for a losing cause is admirable. Fighting for a winning cause is much more rewarding.”

Jaime then smoothly gets the man to free him from his chains and even give him a nice meal.

They take him over to a table and slam his head into it.

I thought they were going to feed him!

Locke then goes into a rant.

“If you get in any trouble all you have to do is say my father and that’s it all your troubles are gone.”

“Careful you don’t want to say the wrong thing. You are nothing without your daddy, and your daddy ain’t here.”

Then he cuts Jaime’s hand off!!!!!!!!!!!! Holy Shit! This scene was tense and awesome. Another great cliffhanger.

Jaime’s transformation is just beginning and I can’t wait to see how they handle the rest of the season.

Even though I thought it was a great and emotional ending, I could only think of this scene.

See you next week!

Game of Thrones – Season 3 Episode 2 – Dark Wings, Dark Words

Welcome to the Game of Thrones recap. I am a huge fan of the show and I have read all the books, or listened to the audiobooks. I don’t spoil anything, but I do make some comparisons to the book.

Season 3 – Episode 2 – Dark Wings, Dark Words

Overall thoughts: Much like last week’s episode, Dark Wings, Dark Words was fairly slow, was but it was necessarily so because we only caught up with about half of the characters in the premiere. The Jaime and Brienne showdown was not as good as I hoped, but anytime the Kingslayer gets a lot of screen time I will be pleased. He is my favorite character. Many people ask why, but if you keep watching you will find out. We also finally caught up with Arya, a favorite of many a GoT fan, Bran, and Theon.

Grade: B-

We open with Bran running through the forest. It is likely a dream because we all know Bran’s legs are busted. The three-eyed Raven swoops in and Bran, god he looks much older than last year, prepares to take a shot at it with his bow. Out of nowhere Jon Snow and Robb show up. They give him some advice, but he still misses. They laugh at him and then Ned Stark’s voice comes from above. Another boy appears. It is Jojen Reed!

“You can’t kill it you know…Because the Raven is you.”

Bran wakes up to see the wolves, Rickon, Hodor, and Osha. Bran describes his dream to Osha, but she doesn’t want to hear it. She isn’t a fan of the dark arts in this universe either.

 game-of-thrones-season-3-osha

“Keep that shit to yourself, Bran.”

We jump to Robb and his woman, Talisa. She tells him that her mother used to say that Westerosi were grim bearded, stinking Barbarians. They start to make out and Roose Bolton rolls in with word from Riverrun and Winterfell. It is bad news as expected. Dark Wings, Dark Words, a nice nod to the show’s title.

Roose 2

Roose always be cock blocking.

Robb tells Catelyn that they are heading to Riverrun because her pops kicked the bucket and she wonders if she will be wearing manacles at the funeral.

He also lets her know that the roof is on fire in Winterfell and they don’t need no water because no one has seen Bran and Rickon either.

Catelyn asks if Robb has received any demands from Theon. He hasn’t.

If you say his name his name he will appear and we cut to Theon tied up, being tortured. He doesn’t know why he is being tortured, and his captor won’t tell him, but he will shove a piece of metal through his finger. Ouch. This happened in the books, but it happened off screen. They are likely going to show Theon’s storyline because Alfie Allen was so good last season.

 theon-greyjoy-tortured

“Last season I was stabbing bitches, but now bitches be stabbing me!”

Next up we are in a field and yes, it is the Jaime and Brienne road show! Jaime’s wit is on full display. He is sick of Brienne and isn’t afraid to tell her about it.

“No one enjoys the company of a humorless mute. Trust me on this…You think Lady Stark’s going to want a giant toe-headed plank following her around for the rest of her life. A week’s journey with you and she’ll order you to fall on your sword.”

jaime-lannister-sword

“If I didn’t lay the pipe to my sister, I would be the best thing to
come out of Westeros since Balor the Blessed!”

We pause for a piss break and it looks like Brienne checks out his goods! Maybe it was just the weird camera angle though.

Jaime wants to know how Brienne came into Lady Stark’s service. Brienne tells him to mind his fucking business. Then Jaime drops this line.

“It to be recently. You weren’t with her at Winterfell…Because I visited Winterfell. I would have noticed your dower head smacking into the arch ways.”

Classic!

He keeps pressing her for info and deduces that she was in Renly’s service. He isn’t a huge fan of the dead man.

“You weren’t Renly’s type I’m afraid. He preferred curly haired little girls like Loras Tyrell.”

HAHAHA!

“It’s a shame the throne isn’t made out cocks. They’d have never got him off it!”

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

This is why he is my favorite.

They come across a traveler on the road. Jaime thinks that the man may have recognized him. He wants to kill the man so he won’t tell anyone, but Brienne isn’t down with killing random dudes on the street.

cult-game-of-thrones-brienne

“Just because I’m a big bitch, doesn’t mean I’m a big bitch.”

We jump back to King Joffrey. He’s the worst. He is getting his new threads and his tailor is trying to make him wear some flowers, but Joff ain’t a bitch. Fuck if he wears flowers.

Cersei thinks Joffrey should give the flowered fabric to Margaery.

“Give it to Margaery for her wedding gown. It should be enough fabric.”

Oh snap!

Cersei wants to know what Joffrey thinks about Marge, and he is happy because with the Tyrell’s at his side they can run shit.

She wants to know what he thinks about her though, not just the power her family brings.

Joff doesn’t want to talk to his mom about girls though. Who does?

“She married Renly Baratheon because she was told to. That is what intelligent women do, what they’re told.”

Joffrey is mean

“I hate women and gays. Could I get any worse?”

Yup, he is still a little shit.

We move to Sansa and Shae, discussing Littlefinger. Shae says Littlefinger wants to get it in with Sansa, but she doesn’t think so.

“He is too old.”

Shae is being super protective of Sansa.

Loras Tyrell shows up to take her to see Margaery and his grandma in the gardens.

Sansa seems to dig Loras, but as we know she is missing something he likes.

We see Margaery for the first time this episode. Good lord she is sexy.

Marge

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

We meet Lady Olenna, the Queen of Thorns. She has no filter.

Olenna

“I’m a straight up G, as in Grandma, and I get my cheese when I want.”

“Loras is young and very good at knocking men off horses with a stick. That does not make him wise. As to your fat head father…”

They discuss Renly and then move into an outdoor gazebo for Lemon Cakes. Sansa likes her some lemon cakes.

The reason they invited Sansa was to find out more about Joffrey.

She is scared to say anything negative about the king, but the Queen of Thorns pushes for more.

“Yes, all Lannister’s are lions, and when a Tyrell farts it smells like a rose.”

They keep on Sansa, and she finally gives in.

“He’s a monster.”

They really don’t care the wedding is still on anyway.

The Stark army is marching to Riverrun for the funeral and Lord Karstark thinks it is a waste of time. He also thinks Robb fucked up by marrying the wrong woman.

“You lost this war the day you married her.”

Talisa and Catelyn talk, as Catelyn makes a prayer circle of the seven thing. Catelyn goes into an awesome monologue about how she prayed for Jon Snow to die. He came down with the pox and she changed her mind and begged the gods to save him.

“When my husband brought that baby home from the war, I couldn’t bear to look at him. I didn’t want to see those brown strangers’ eyes staring up at me. So, I prayed to the gods. Take him away, make him die. He got the pox. And I knew that I was the worst woman who ever lived. Murderer. I condemned this poor innocent child to a horrible death all because I was jealous of his mother. A woman he didn’t even know. So I prayed to all seven gods. Let the boy live. Let him live and I’ll love him. I’ll be a mother to him. I’ll beg my husband to give him a true name. To call him Stark and be done with it. To make him one of us…And I couldn’t keep my promise. And everything that has happened since then, all this horror that has come to my family is all because I couldn’t love a motherless child.”

Wow! That was powerful. This in no way happened in the books, but it is interesting that the writers decided to make Catelyn a little more sympathetic. I really felt for her after that speech. She blames herself for all the ill that came to her family.

One thing I didn’t like though was the mention of the brown eyes. Obviously, the actor has brown eyes, but in the book Jon’s eye color is part of the reason many people speculate, who his parents really are! Major spoilers at the link!

Speaking of the bastard, we move North of the Wall to Jon Snow marching with Mance Rayder.

He tells Jon how he brought the clans together.

“I told them we were all going to die if we don’t get South, because that is the truth.”

Some dude Orell is acting all funny. He is a warg, a skin changer.

Ygritte gives Jon shit.

“You’ve never met a warg?”

jon

Bitch I am a warg.

Orell saw a bunch of dead crows up at the Fist of the First Men.

We move onto Sam and the rest of the Night’s Watch. They are still marching back to the wall and Sam isn’t doing too well. He can barely walk and one of his brothers is talking shit.

“Why don’t you lie down and rest for a while. You know you want to.”

Fortunately, a few of Sam’s (kind of) friends come help him up. He doesn’t want help. He resents them for leaving him back with the White Walkers.

“Your fat and your slow and we didn’t want to die.”

Joer Mormont intervenes.

“Tarly, I forbid you to die.”

Shit Joer, I didn’t know you cared. Wait, in the Night’s watch they forbid you to take any lands, they forbid you to fuck and they forbid you to die? What they hell are you supposed to do all day?

We head back to Bran in the forest. His wolf Summer knows something is up. Osha heads off to check it out and Jojen Reed, the boy from his dream in the opening of the episode appears. Osha gets the drop on him, but Jojen’s sister, Meera drops in on her. Jojen holds out his hand and the wolf likes him all of a sudden.

Jojen

“I know shit.”

Jojen seems to know a lot about Bran. He has been looking for him.

Arya, Gendry and Hot Pie are walking and Gendry is trying to figure out why Arya didn’t pick some higher profile people for Jaquan to kill.

“You could have ended the war.” – Gendry

A group of people are on the road and they are singing the Rains of Castamere. (I thought this was weird because it is a Lannister song, and these people are so not Lannisters.) They are spotted and Arya hops out. She starts acting all tough.

“Leave us be and I won’t kill you.”

This group of travelers is the Brotherhood Without Banners, the group that have been causing trouble for Tywin Lannister.

The leader is Thoros of Myr. He’s a red priest like Melisandre, but we aren’t told this on screen yet. He wants to learn more about them over dinner. Fat Pie doesn’t want to go but he is forced to when the bowman shoots an area in his general vicinity.

“Here’s the thing fat boy. When I’m done talking, that arrow is falling down on your fat head. So, I advise you move because I’m done talking.”

They then continue to make fun of his obesity.

“Half the country is starving and look at this one.”

“Maybe he is the reason half the country is starving.”

Fat Pie

“Come on guys, if I was skinny you couldn’t call me Fat Pie!”

Back in King’s Landing, Shae is in Tyrion’s bed chamber (Dinklage!!!). Tyrion is annoyed that Shae is showing up in his room. He doesn’t want his dad to know he is still bedding hos.

Shae is worried about Sansa and finds out Tyrion banged out Ros.

“Twice.”

Then, Tyrion slips up and lets Shae know he thinks Sansa is dope. She thinks he is a little perv. He kind of is.

Impin' aint easy

“What can I say, booze and women are my mainstay.”

After that talk, they start hooking up and she puts her lips around his lion.

Margaery stops in the see Joffrey. He is playing with his new crossbow. He presses her about Renly and she plays her way out of it. “I’ve considered making his perversion punishable by death.”

Apparently there is even gay bashing in Westeros.

She then turns things to the crossbow. This gets Joffrey all excited. He is a psychopath. He gets turned on by the thought of her killing something.

Back to Theon getting tortured. He captor is asking him why he took Winterfell. Theon tells him the truth, but he keeps torturing Theon anyway.

When the group leaves, one of the workers tells Theon his sister sent him to help Greyjoy escape.

This scene actually makes me feel bad for Theon.

Bran and his new friends are walking, and Jojen tells Bran about his warg ability and the three-eyed raven.

“The raven brings the sight.”

Jojen also has the sight. Jojen’s dad saved Bran’s dad. They were boys apparently.

We cut to a tavern and Thoros is trying to get Arya to drink.

“We’re not children.”

She lies about their escape from Harrenhal.

“Gendry’s a smith. He was apprentice in the armory…Gendry stole us weapons. He knows how to use a sword and so do I.”

Like a proper fool she pulls her sword on Thoros. In one move he disarms her. What the fuck was she doing?

Thoros lets the trio go, but just as they are about to head out, the rest of the Brotherhood brings in the Hound. They found him passed out drunk and captured him.

The Hound and Thoros know each other. I know I’m not supposed to like the Hound, but I love how he talks.

the hound

“Thoros? The fuck you doing here?”

“What in seven hells are you doing with a Stark bitch.”

I didn’t even have to make those up! He is just the best.

Back to the Jaime and Brienne roadshow! They need to cross the river, but they don’t know if they should go over the bridge and risk being seen, or if they should swim.

“It’s a tough decision. Take the bridge and risk being seen…Cross by water and the current could take us or I could escape down the river.”

She elects to have them take the bridge. Jaime starts acting up and just plops down on the bridge.

“I never used to get corns…”

She tries to pick him up and he grabs her sword.

“I never understood the need for some knights to carry two swords.”

It is on.

“You move well, for a great beast of a woman.”

Brienne holds her own, but Jaime mocks her anyway.

“You shouldn’t grimace before you lunge. It gives away the game.”

He points out that she really can’t hurt him without hurting herself.

“If you kill me you fail Lady Stark, but if you don’t kill me, I’m going to kill you.”

They battle back and forth and Brienne ends up getting the better of the Kingslayer. They didn’t do a good enough job showing what a good swordsman Jaime is supposed to be. In the book he stabs her in the leg and the end up in the river where his chains restrict his movement and Brienne ends up almost drowning him.

A group of men come rolling up the road. It is the flayed men of House Bolton. The man they didn’t kill, did in fact know who Jaime was, and ratted them out.

The leader of the group is a guy named Locke. He is not in the book. In the book Jaime and Brienne are taken by a group called the Brave Companions and they are led by Vargo Hoat, (major spoilers at the link!) who was a great foil to Jaime.

Jaime tries to weasel his way out but Locke isn’t having it.

“I’d rather he takes your (head).”

It looks as if the roadshow has concluded as we cut to black.

Oh and HBO renewed the show! It was a definite, but it is still good news!

See you next week!

Game of Thrones – Season 3 Episode 1 – Valar Dohaeris

Welcome to the Game of Thrones recap. I am a huge fan of the show and I have read all the books, or listened to the audiobooks. I decided to start doing recaps because I want to get back into blogging and writing and I might as well start with one of my favorite shows.

Valar Dohaeris – Season 3 Episode 1

Overall thoughts: The episode was not one of the series best in terms of action, but it is a premiere and it had to set up several storylines, and there were some excellent scenes. Tyrion v. Tywin was awesome, and so was Davos v. Melisandre and Stannis! I also enjoyed Jon v. Mance.

Grade: B

We open with darkness. Samwell Tarly is running/trudging through the snow. I didn’t know a fat man could move like that! He spots a fellow crow who is holding his head in his hands. No, I mean literally his head has been removed from his neck and he is holding it in his hands.

A wight rolls up on Sam with an axe and Ghost (Jon’s wolf) comes in for the big save!

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Out of nowhere the wight starts flaming. It was lit up by the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, Jeor Mormont .

He is pissed at Sam because Sam didn’t send the ravens. Why didn’t you send the ravens Sam?

ImageThe Ravens? I knew I was forgetting something.

Mormont says the crew has to roll back to the wall or everyone you’ve ever known will be dead! This may be true, but it will take at least four more books for that to even be an option!

After the badass opening credits, we return to North of the Wall once again.

Jon is being escorted by Ygritte and we see a GIANT.

It is our first time as well Jon Snow.

The giant hammers a stick into the ground and then Jon gets rocked as he continues walking through camp. By rocked I mean every little shit in town is tossing stones at his head.

Ygritte tells him, “If Mance likes ya, you will live another day, and if he don’t…”

The Mance she is referring to is Mance Rayder, the King Beyond the Wall.

Jon is introduced to the King Beyond the Wall and he is giving him shit, because he is a baby crow. Ygritte points out that Jon killed Qhorin Halfhand, something she talks about pretty much constantly. In the books this is a big deal, because Halfhand was a total badass, but the show never really had time to develop that plotline.

Jon kneels and the King Beyond the Wall says, “Your Grace? Do you hear that? From now on you better kneel every time I fart!”

It was a fake out! The man Jon thought was the King Beyond the Wall was actually Tormund Giantsbane

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and the dude chilling in the back was actually Mance Rayder, the King Beyond the Wall.

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Giantsbane still can’t believe that Jon killed Qhorin Halfhand. Yes, we get it.

Mance wants to know why Jon Snow wants to join the free folk, and he drops the line we have been hearing in all the trailers. “I want to fight for the side that fights for the living!”

Mance is impressed, and is even going to get Jon a new cloak. The turncloak is in!

We cut to Kings Landing and hey it is our first pair of tits!

Bronn is getting some action and about to take of some panties off with his teeth when Podrick Payne, Tyrion’s squire rolls in and cockblocks him. Bronn then displays why everyone loves him. He gets all the best lines.

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I’m Bronn and I say cool shit.

“Back away. Keep backing away until you are outside this establishment then back away some more!”

“I will murder you boy!”

Cut to Tyrion Lannister, (Dinklage!!!) checking out his new facial feature.

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My Face isn’t that fucked up…

The scar isn’t as bad as stated in the books. Tyrion is acting all super paranoid because somebody tried to kill him. He thinks it was his sister Cersei.

There is a knock on the door and speak of the brother-fucking devil! It’s Cersei.

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Bow down bitches!

She has the Queens Guard with her and we are in for a wonderful scene. Cersei references that scar and the fact that the show isn’t going to make the scar as bad as it is in the books.

“They said you lost your nose, but it isn’t as gruesome as all that.”

This is likely because you can’t cover your star’s face! (Dinklage!!!)

Tyrion is pissed he is getting no love from his papa, and Cersei is worried Tyrion is going to tell daddy about her banging her other brother. They go back and forth until Bronn shows up outside and we find out he has been knighted. The Queens Guard isn’t going to let Bronn see his boss, so they discuss how they would like to disembowel one another. Very similar to the Bronn v. Hound scene we saw in Season 2 Episode 9.

“You’re an up jumped cut throat, nothing more!” – Ser Meryn Trant

Bronn agrees and shit is about to get real when the Queen makes an exit.

Tyrion needs an escort because again he is all like super paranoid and Bronn tells him he wants to make more money! Double in fact. Oh, Bronn you are such a good “friend.”

We jump to Davos Seaworth,  who looks like he got blasted off of a boat and wound up on some rocks in the middle of the bay. Oh wait, that is exactly what happened!

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“I’ve woken up in weirder places.”

A ship spots him and if he wants to get a ride he has to answer a riddle. Which side was he fighting for?

After pondering the question, he says Stannis. That is correct.

Davos is taken to see Salladhor Saan.

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I’m a Saan of a Bitch!

This is where I must pause and explain the Game of Thrones drinking game I have. One of the rules is that every time you see a black actor you have to chug an entire beer. Why you ask? Well you see there are not really any black people in A Song of Ice and Fire, other than the Summer Islanders, so when you see a black actor on screen it is rare and it is a decision the creators had to make. Also, I enjoy my shows not to be all vanilla. So, you have to drink, a lot. PS, last season I got hammered a lot because I didn’t read up on the fact that they were turning Xaro Xhoan Daxos black. In the books he is milky white.

Davos wants to go to Dragonstone to see his boy Stannis, but Salladhor tells him that Stannis only chills with the red woman and has been burning people left and right.

Davos doesn’t like this, but feels like he has to kill Melisandre. Salladhor like Bronn gets the best lines.

“If you fail they will burn you. If you succeed, they’ll burn you.”

“And you drank with me on four of my wedding days, but I don’t ask you for favors.”

“When you are dead, I’ll gather your bones into a little sack and let your widow wear them around her neck.”

Next up we are at some castle in the Riverlands. I think. It isn’t Winterfell and it isn’t Harrenhal, at least I don’t think.

Karstark is still pissed the Kingslayer is running free, but Roose Bolton says he is on it.

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There are dead bodies everywhere. 200 Northmen to be exact. How did they count all the bodies so quick? They just got here!

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Bad Mommy

Robb is still pissed at his mom and sends her to a cell.

They find Maester Qyburn.

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Back in Kings Landing, Tyrion has come to see his father. I can’t wait for this scene.

Tywin is ignoring him, but Tyrion finally gets him to talk.

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“What do you want, Tyrion?” – Tywin

Basically the Halfman wants some props for all the stuff he has done.

Tywin’s response, “jugglers and singers require applause. You are a Lannister. Do you think I demanded a garland of roses every time I suffered a wound on the battlefield? Hummm?”

Shot down!

Tyrion goes for big request. He wants Casterly Rock.

“It is mine, by right.”

Tywin responds harshly.

“I would let myself be consumed by maggots before mocking the family name and making you heir to Casterly Rock…You are an ill made, spiteful little creature…The gods have condemned me to watch you waddle about wearing that proud lion…but neither gods nor men will ever compel me to let you turn Casterly Rock into your whore house…Speak no more about your rights to Casterly Rock.”

Damn Tywin. A simple “no” would have sufficed.

Tyrion leaves, and he is pleased.

Sansa is sitting out on a dock playing a game. (Least favorite character alert!)

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“It’s a good thing I’m pretty, cause my storyline sucks.”

She is inventing a back story for each ship. God she is awful. Hot, but awful.

Petyr Baelish AKA Littlefinger shows up and wants to chat with Sansa.

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Mayor Carcetti is here to clean up Westeros! – The Wire Joke

She wants him to get her the hell outta the city, and he is willing to help. Slight spoiler. This is a much more direct route than the book takes.

“I might be able to take you with me.” – Littlefinger

Ros and Shae chat. Ros remarks that they both have done well using their “abilities”. AKA their vaginas.

Jump to DRAGONS!

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Lots and lots of Dragons. Drogon (the biggest Dragon) is enjoying a nice fish filet.

Daenerys Targaryen is pissed that the Dragons aren’t big enough.

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It’s good to see you too!

She can’t wait and needs an army.

Jorah Mormont is taking her to Astapor to get some soliders, but Dany doesn’t like the fact that the soldiers are slaves. A Dathroki pukes on the deck of the ship. Lovely.

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Jorah Mormont

At Dragonstone, Davos shows up and Stannis isn’t all that happy to see him.

Mr. Seaworth gets right to the point and threatens Mel. He doesn’t judge people by what gods they worship, and Melisandre blames Davos for the loss of the battle.

“I could have saved those men. You would have taken the city…but I wasn’t there because you convinced your King to leave me behind.”

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“Damn Davos, you really fucked things up.” – Mel

Then, she drops a low blow.

“What I told your son is true. Death by fire is the purest death.”

Davos goes for a knife, but the guards grab him and take him to a cell.

Back in the capital, Margaery Tyrell stops off in Flea Bottom to run in the shit and give gifts to little kids. She is trying to be the good cop to Joffrey’s bad cop. The boy King isn’t too happy that he has to be halted in Flea Bottom and reminds us that he is such a pussy.

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I’m the worst.

Margaery’s eyes are so hot.

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“Really? I know you aren’t looking at my eyes.”

Sorry I’m back. The kiddies all love Marge. She is the sweetest.

The King and his future wife then dine with Cersei and Marge’s brother Loras.

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Loras Tyrell, Knight of Flowers and other Pretty Stuff

They discuss Marge’s stop in Flea Bottom. Cersei is skeptical of Marge’s charitable giving. We find out that the Tyrell’s are sending food from the Reach to help the hunger issues in King’s Landing.

Flash to Astapor where the Slaver Kraznys show off how badass the unsullied are.

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Men don’t need nipples, but mine are special.

“They will stand until they drop.”

“They begin their training at five.”

“They fear nothing.”

“They have no balls.”

I added that last one.

The Slaver takes shots at Dany in his native tongue. He thinks she’s a hoe.

Then he cuts off an unsullied nipple. They don’t need no nipples. He is a man, says Kraznys.

The slaver then drops this piece of knowledge on Dany.

The unsullied have to kill a baby in front of its mother and pay the slave owner a silver coin.

Dany is not happy about this.

Mormont and Dany take a stroll and discuss the unsullied. They are being followed by a hooded figure. Is that a Jedi? It looks like Obi-Wan Kenobi. Seriously.

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Is that you Ben? I thought you were dead, or a Force Ghost or whatever.

A little girl gives Dany a ball. She goes to open it and the Jedi stops her. A scorpion is hidden inside and tries to attack her. The Jedi kills it just in time.

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The warlocks are still after the Targaryen princess.

Kenobi reveals himself to be Barriston Selmy.

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“I just shaved off about seven chapters with one line of dialogue.”

He begs for forgiveness and promises to protect her.

This is a HUGE deviation from the books. In the books he pretends to be Austin Whitebeard and is discovered as a liar, but Dany has him perform a task for her to get back into her good graces. I won’t spoil it much, but this difference is huge. I’m guessing it was a time saving measure, plus the viewers already know what Barriston looks like, so I guess they kind of had to.

We fade to black and have a sweet, slow version of the theme song.

Next week will meet the Queen of Torns, finally catch up with Arya and Jaime! I can’t wait.

All Images courtesy of the internet. I have no rights to them.