Game of Thrones – Season 3 – Episode 7 – The Bear and the Maiden Fair

Season 3 – Episode 7 – The Bear and the Maiden Fair

Overall Thoughts: This was another episode where not much really happened. I enjoyed the Tywin and Joffrey throne room scene and the titular fight with the bear, but other than that, this episode felt like it was missing something. It had no balls, just like Theon! (Cheap joke I know.) GRRM wrote the episode and while I enjoyed the relationships that it explored, I have to say it was probably the worst of the season in terms of events actually happening, but it also did have the most sex talk!

Grade: B-

Before the opening credits we get an N for Nudity! Wooo hooo. It has been too long.

Yunkai is in the title sequence now.

We open and Jon and Ygritte are still walking toward Castle Black. She wants discuss battle tactics that she finds silly. These include banners, bannermen, drums, drummer boys.

Apparently, the drumming is all about the rhythm according to Jon. Ygritte thinks it is all right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot.

“You know nothing, Jon Snow,” Ygritte points out about six times this episode. You could tell GRRM really likes that statement.

Orell starts giving Jon lip and Jon gives it to him right back,

“And now you are going to share it with me, the deep wisdom you found inside the head of a bird.”

Orell

“J + Y = Stupid.”

Robb Stark and company are getting rained on and it is causing them to be late for Edmure’s wedding! As I said last week, it is definitely wedding season is Westeros.

Blackfish thinks Walder Frey is wet shit. Well then. He apologizes to Talisa for saying wet shit in her presence, but she isn’t afraid of wet shit either. Robb states that Edmure is the best match in the history of House Frey. Well fuck, I feel bad for them!

Robb sends everyone packing and then he starts getting it in with wifey. I was hoping the nudity would not be used up on mid shots of Robb’s ass, but I guess that is how it goes. After round 1 is over Robb is easily distracted.

“If you don’t put some clothes on I can’t promise I won’t attack you again.”

“How am I supposed to sit here planning a war when you are over there looking like that?”

Talisa is writing a note to her mom, she is going to tell her that she is preggo. This is the first Robb is hearing of it as well. He jumps her bones again.

We jump back to Jon, and Tormund is telling him about how most men fuck. I told you this episode is full of sex talk. GRRM is a bit of a perv, me thinks.

“Most men fuck like dogs. Arf, Arf, Arf, Arf. No grace. No skill. Two dozen thrusts and done. You need to be patient. Give her time. Your cock shouldn’t go near until it is slick as a baby seal, and then you go inside, but slowly. Don’t jam it in like you are spearing a pig.”

Could that have been the best monologue ever?!? Top three for sure!

Orell starts making a move on Ygritte. What a fuck head. He needs to die.

We do find out that Ygritte loves Jon. AWWWWW!

Cave

“J + Y = Love.”

“You won’t love him so much when you find out what he really is.” – Orell

In King’s Landing, Sansa is crying AKA a normal day for Sansa Stark.

Sansa

“I’m stewpid.”

Yes, we know. You continue to be the worst.

The only plus of this scene is that we get a lot of Margaery.

Sansa is upset she has to marry the imp, and Margaery wants her to look at the bright side of things.

“Far from the worst Lannister wouldn’t you say?…Your son if I’m not mistaken, might be the lord to Casterly Rock and the North some day.”

The notion of a son reminds Sansa that her and the half man are going to have to get it on.

Marge thinks Tyrion is good looking. The talk then turns to this episodes theme, sex.

“So many of us get to try so little before we are old and grey…Pleasing us takes practice.”

Margaery you minx!

Tyrion and Bronn continue the sex talk, and Bronn continues to be the best.

“Shea is a whore. Are you gonna marry her eh?”

“Wed one, bed the other…You’ll have two women and a whole Kingdom of your own.”

“You waste time trying to get people to love ya, you’ll end up the most popular dead man in town.”

“You want to fuck that Stark girl. You just don’t want to admit it.”

Four spectacular lines from Bronn in a row! The writers love them some Bronn.

Tyrion is slightly annoyed by this.

“I don’t pay you to put evil notions in my head. The one’s already in there don’t need company.”

Bronn’s response,

“You pay me to kill people who bother ya. The evil notions come free.”

Yes!

Next up we head to the throne room and Tywin visits Joffrey after being summoned. Joffrey feels like he is being left out of the Small Council meetings. He doesn’t come because he doesn’t want to walk up all of the stairs to the Tower of the Hand. Also a great website!

Tywin shows a great level of disgust/duty with his next few lines.

“The Tower of the Hand is where I work, the walk from there to here would take time, time I could otherwise spend productively.”

“We could arrange to have you carried.”

Joff wants to change the subject, he wants to know about Dany and the Dragons. He thinks they should do something about her, but frankly, Tywin doesn’t give a shit about Dany right now, and he feels this meeting was a waste of his time.

Tywin

“Quit wasting my time youngin’.”

Tywin drops the mic and walks out, and did I notice a slight smile on Tywin’s face as he descended the stairs? I think I did!

Across the Narrow sea, Jorah wants Dany to skip past Yunkai, but she wants to free the 200,000 slaves inside the city, so she calls for a meeting.

Razdar Mo Muhammed (I have no clue what is name actually is) comes rolling up the hill in his slave powered carriage and takes a seat in Dany’s tent.

The dragons are just hanging out, and Razdar is looking kind of shook, but he starts out strong.

“Ancient and glorious is Yunkai. Our empire was old before dragons stirred in old Volantis.”

“If blood is your desire, blood shall flow.”

Translation: Razdar don’t give a fuck.

He gives Dany a present, a few chests of gold and as many ships as she needs. He wants to send her to Westeros and away from Yunkai. She offers him a gift as well, his life. How kind Khaleesi.

“You will release every slave in Yunkai. Every man woman and child shall be given as much food, clothing, and property they can carry as payment for their years of servitude. Reject this gift and I shall show you no mercy.”

DAAAMN! Dany is such a bigger bad ass in the show than I remember in the books.

Razdar gets all scared.

“You swore me safe conduct.”

“I did, but my dragons made no promises and you threatened their mother.” – Dany

The slaver wants the gold back, but Drogon ain’t having that. He swoops down and squaks/roars at the slaver’s crew.

“My gold, you gave it to me remember? And I shall put it to good use. You’d be wise to do the same with my gift to you. Now get out.”

Barristan reminds her that the Yunkai are no push overs, they won’t bend easily.

“And what happens to things that don’t bend.”

(I was standing up cheering in my living room at this point.)

If Tywin dropped the mic, Dany just spiked that mother fucker.

Dany Tough

“You don’t have to go home, but you’ve got to get the hell up outta here.”

With all this talk about presents, Tyrion doesn’t want to be left out. He gives two chains (2 Chainz?) to Shea, so she won’t be mad at him. It doesn’t work.

Tyrion offers to buy her a nice place to stay in the city and even offers to provide for any children they may have. This doesn’t work either.

Tyrion tells her, “You will always be my lady.”

She feels differently about the situation.

“I’m your whore and when you are tired of fucking me, I will be nothing.”

He should have tried singing to her. You’ll always be a part of me….

From there we have this awesome over the top shot of a boat. What boat is this? Oh, it is Melisandre and Gendry headed to Dragonstone. I think that is where they are heading anyway.

Gendry finds it awkward that he is back where he started. Melisandre tells him that he is a bastard, but his pops is Robert Baratheon.

“There is power in a king’s blood.”

Yup, he is definitely taking the place of Edric Storm.

Arya is hanging out in the cave still and she still pissed at Beric and Thoros for sending Gendry away with the red woman.

Beric says it was because R’hllor said so. Isn’t it funny that no one has said the name R’hllor yet? It is always the Lord of Light.

Arya doesn’t follow the red god, she is into death. This is an early development for her considering in the books she has already killed several people by now. So far in the show verse she has killed one, I believe.

The bowman rushes in. He has spotted a Lannister raiding party and the crew is going after them, but they promised Arya they would go to Riverrun. She flips out and bolts. They chase her into the woods, but they can’t find her. The Hound does though! Oh boy! More screen time for the Hound! How exciting!

“Kick all you want wolf girl, won’t do you no good.”

the hound

“Who found the Stark bitch? I found the Stark bitch!”

At Harrenhal, Jaime tells Brienne they must part. She has to stay and he has to go. He feels like he owes her though.

“You gave your word. Keep it and consider the debt paid.” – Brienne

“I will return the Stark girls to their mother. I swear it.”

Jaime heads off towards King’s Landing with Maester Qyburn and a small party.

Jaime parts with these words that SPOILER will come back to bite him in the ass.

“Tell Robb Stark, I’m sorry I couldn’t make his uncle’s wedding. The Lannister’s send their regards.”

Worst plot line alert!!!!!!!!!!! It is Theon. He is being unstrapped by two fine ass women. I predicted a loss was coming as soon as I saw them.

Apparently, religious girls in Westeros are also sexually repressed.

“Miranda knows what she is doing. She trained as a septa, only she had other urges.”

The move onto the topic of Theon’s manhood.

“Everybody talks about it.”

Who does? I have never once heard it mentioned.

If you didn’t think there was enough sex talk here comes some more.

They start stripping and riding him and just when he starts to get into it, the torturer shows up blowing his horn and cock blocking. Not only is this dude a piece of shit, he is a cock block as well.

Ramsay

World class cock block.

He talks about Theon’s magic cock as well. I thought Podrick had the magic stick?

“Well shouldn’t we see this cock everyone is always going on about. Everyone knows you love girls, and you always thought they loved you back. Your famous cock must be very precious to you. Would you say it is your most precious part.”

This can’t end well.

Now torturer guy is going to cut Theon’s cock off. It sucks to be Theon.

Theon begs for mercy.

“I’m not killing you, just making a few alterations.”

I think I would probably rather die as well.

We move back to Jon and Ygritte, who are getting a ton of screen time this episode. They are still walking to Castle Black. Ygritte spots a windmill and thinks it is a palace.

She doesn’t know what swooning is either. They start flirting and Jon mentions how he would like Ygritte to wear a pretty dress.

“I’d like to see you in a silk dress…so I could tear it off you.” – Jon Snow

“You rip my pretty silk dress, I’ll blacken your eye.” – Ygritte

HAHAHA! Yes! She is awesome.

The conversation turns solemn for a moment.

“The wildlings have attacked the kingdoms six times, and failed six times.” – Jon Snow

Jon thinks this attempt will end poorly as well.

“You don’t have the discipline. You don’t have the training. You don’t know how to fight together…If you attack the wall you’ll die. All of you.” – Jon

“All of us.” – Ygritte

Then she comes up and kisses him out of nowhere.

“You are mine and I am yours. If we die, we die, but first we’ll live.”

In another Northernish location, Osha and Hodor are setting up the tent and Osha doesn’t like how Jojen doesn’t pull his own weight. She starts telling Hodor how she feels and he just replies,” Hodor.”

HA! It knew it was coming and it was still good.

Bran tells Osha they aren’t going to Castle Black anymore, and Osha goes on a tirade.

Apparently, she had a man once, a good one, and one night he disappeared and died. He came back as a wight and almost killed her. She had to burn the hut she lived in to the ground in order to stop him. That is why she doesn’t want to go back North of the wall. I can’t say I blame her.

Jaime has made it a bit of a the way from Harrenhal and Qyburn is cleaning out his wound.

Qyburn has a weakness and it is curiosity. He did experiments on living/dying men. That is why he lost his maester’s chain.

Qyburn informs Jaime that the Lord of Tarth offered 300 gold dragons for Brienne, but Locke won’t take it because he feels he is being cheated. Locke still thinks Brienne’s father is loaded with sapphire money. Basically, Jaime’s lie that saved her is now her doom.

Our man Jaime decides to intervene though. He convinces his escort to take him back to Harrenhal and he shows up just in time to see that the soldiers are watching Brienne v. Bear.

Brienne has a wooden sword and the bear has actual teeth.

Where is Brick Tamlan when you need him.

Jaimes wants her out, but Locke doesn’t care.

“Go buy yourself a golden hand and fuck yourself with it.” – Locke

Jaime jumps into the pit and lifts Brienne out with the old jump on the back strategy. That is great, but it always leaves the second person stranded. The Bear attacks, and Jaime runs up the wall rodeo clown style! He is barely hanging on. The whole one hand thing, but Brienne pulls him out just in time.

“The Bitch stays” – Locke

“I’m taking her to King’s Landing unless you kill me.” – Jaime

There is a standoff and finally Locke concedes and decides to let the Lady of Tarth go.

Jaime drops the, “sorry about the sapphires” line and walks out.

Season 3 MVP = Jaime “the Kingslayer” Lannister!

Advertisements

Game of Thrones Season 3 – Episode 6 – The Climb

Game of Thrones Season 3 Episode 6 – The Climb

Overall Thoughts: While this Episode had some awesome scenes, it was one of the slower episodes of the Season. I understand they had to slow down a bit to give the storylines some room to grow and expand, but I felt like several of them were at more of a crawl than a walk. The pacing of the show will always be a problem and that is because the pacing of the books is a problem, but there will always be a few major set pieces per season that will knock people’s socks off.

Grade: B-

We open with Sam, Gilly and the babe.

“You’ve got to much wood in there,” Gilly tells Sam referring to the fire.

Sam

“If she only knew.”

They discuss how Sam is highborn, and he changes the subject to the Dragonglass blade.

“What does it do?” Gilly wondered.

It is used for stabbing, duh.

They are still a few days from the Wall, and Sam details the finer things from Castle Black, like a fire that is always burning and venison stew. He starts to sing to the babe.

“The father’s face is stern and strong…”

“The mother gives the gift of life…”

Side note: All this talk of the seven reminded me of a reader theory I found last week and I have to pass it on. These aren’t really spoilers, but the correlation is interesting. Basically the Starks are matched up to the Seven new Gods, and it all fits except for maybe Rickon.

The Seven is really a single deity with seven aspects, each symbolizes a different area of life.

Ned is the Father, which sits in judgment over souls.

Catelyn is The Mother, which is prayed to for mercy, fertility, childbirth and peace.

Robb is the Warrior, who represents protection, valor, and skill in battle

Sansa is the Maiden, or purity, love and beauty.

Arya is the Stranger, or death, which if you know what she is doing in the latest books fits.

Bran is the Crone representing wisdom and forsight.

That means Rickon would be the Smith. So, it could be him who rebuilds Winterfell. Rickon is still up in there air because we don’t know a lot about him.

Check out this video for more information about the gods.

Back to the Episode.

At another camp fire, Osha and Meera talk shit to each other about who can skin rabbits better, who can hunt better and who can be bitchier. Osha gets in the best burns in the exchange.

“You’ve got a big mouth girl, and too many teeth.”

“Lady Reed has a stick so far up her ass it’s a wonder her feet touch the ground.”

Bran does his whole I’m a Stark routine and forces them to get along.

game-of-thrones-season-3-osha

“You’re a good little hunter, and a quite the little bitch.”

Jojen begins to convulse. At first I thought he was doing the Harlem Shake, Westeros, but apparently, Green seers are also epileptic. I don’t remember that from the book.

Rickon gets two line of dialogue! I almost forgot he was alive. Jojen was dreaming of a white walker, and saw our boy Jon Snow.

“I saw Jon Snow…he is on the wrong side of the wall.” – Jojen

Speaking of Jon boy, we jump to Jon and Ygritte preparing to climb the wall. Ygritte calls Jon out for being afraid, I know I would be 700 feet, fuck that.

JS Climb

“Bitch that wall is 700 feet high, and you want me to climb it with a rope and a pick axe?”

Ygritte gives Jon some climbing shoes because he is good at oral. She stole them from her ex-boyfriend. She then continues to be horny all the time and talks about how good his skill in bed is.

“You’re a proper lover Jon Snow.”

“You’re going to be loyal to your woman.”

She gets real on him for a minute.

“It is you and me that matters to me and you…Don’t ever betray me.”

I would not cheat on Ygritte if I was you Jon Snow.

“I’ll cut your pretty cock right off and wear it around me neck.”

Okay….

I would definitely not cheat on Ygritte if I was you Jon Snow!!!

jon questions

“I got myself a crazy red-hed!”

We head back South, and Arya is doing her creepy prayer thingy and learning how to shoot a bow and arrow. She has good aim, but apparently she is takes to long to aim.

“Never hold.”

“Never aim.”

Melisandre shows up. How did she find them so fast? Some of these people have been roaming around the Riverlands for two seasons and she finds them in two  episodes?

Mel is giving Thoros shit for being a drunk. I think that is his best quality. When Thoros said “You worship him your way and I worship him mine,” in high valaryian I actually read the subtitles as “I worship him with wine.” That would have been way better.

Beric Dead

“I worship him with wine.”

She is here to see Beric, who looks like he has died six times over. Mel examines him and is jealous that Thoros can resurrect people. Umm, this is the same chick that squirts demons out of her gash. She should not be surprised by this. Thoros goes into a monologue about his faith and we learn he used to fuck all the whores in King’s Landing. That must have been a lot of work.

I did however like the following quote:

“I knelt beside his cold body and said the old words. Not because I believed in them, but he was my friend and he was dead.”

Beric tells us that there is only darkness on the other side. That is depressing.

Mel finally tells us why she is here. She wants Gendry, and not in the table fucking way she wanted Stannis. Naturally, Arya doesn’t like Melisandre and Gendry points out why.

“That’s cause you’re a girl.”

This is the second time this episode has expressed that even in Westeros girls don’t like each other.

Mel steals Gendry and tells them he is more than they (the Brotherhood) will ever be.

“You will make Kings rise and fall.”

Gendry

“From what I’ve heard you make certain Kings rise all the time m’lady.”

It seems as though Gendry is going to take the place of Edric Storm a young bastard who Stannis and Mel wanted to sacrifice for his King’s blood in the books.

“You’re a witch,” Arya tells Mel.

Gendry

“I think you meant bitch.”

Mel then touches Arya and has a vision.

“I see a darkness in you, and in that darkness eyes staring back at me. Brown eyes. Blue eyes. Green eyes. Eyes you will shut forever. We will meet again.”

I feel this represents all of the people Arya is going to kill.

Back at the wall, the climb has begun.

Jon looks down. Don’t ever look down. Ygritte continues to bust Jon’s balls even when they are some 400 feet in the air.

“You staring at me ass Jon Snow?”

He slips, but ends up alright.

We head back to the X, or as my friend Trav point out, Saint Andrew’s cross that Theon is tied to. He is still being tortured, and we find out it was is for no good reason.

Literally his torturer says.

“This isn’t happening to you for a reason.”

Yup, we know.

I liked Theon’s conversion in the books, but I also liked not seeing it firsthand. It is kind of boring to watch someone get tortured.

The torturer makes up a story that he is the son of Rickard Karstark. Why? I don’t know, just like I don’t have any clue why they are shoving this storyline down our throats. I already felt bad for Theon.

I hope they get this storyline over quickly.

Over at Tully manor, Robb Stark meets with some Frey’s and they are planning a wedding as well. Apparently it is wedding season in Westeros!

Edmure has to marry one of the Frey girls. Hey, at least she is 19.

Robb wants to wait, but the Frey’s insist.

“His recent experience has made him weary of long engagements.”

When the Frey’s leave the room Edmure tells Robb that he won’t be marrying just anyone.

“Why should I let that old ferret choice my bride for me?”

Robb and the council really turn the screws into him and he comes around.

Edmure

“I’ll marry her, but she better at least be a 4.”

Roose Bolton is giving audience to Brienne and Jaime. Brienne looks pretty in her dress and Jaime looks to be having a tough time cutting his steak.

Bri and J dress

Roose will allow Jaime to go, but he has to tell his Daddy that Roose had nothing to do with his maiming.

Roose also doesn’t drink. No wonder he sucks.

Jaime assumes Brienne is going to come with him to King’s Landing, but we find out Roose has other plans for her. Then he drops this line on Jaime.

“I would have hoped you learned your lesson about overplaying your…position.”

What a dick.

Next up, we have the best scene of the Episode. Tywin v. Lady Olenna in a debate about who will marry who.

Tywin scores points first going after Loras’ sexuality.

“My stomach remains quite strong however. The only thing that might turn it are details of your grandson’s nocturnal activities.”

Lady Olenna brushes it off.

“It is a natural thing for two boys to go at it underneath the sheets.”

In Highgarden dudes banging dudes happens all the time.

“A sword swallower through and through.” – Lady Olenna about Loras.

Lady Olenna then turns the conversation to rumors about Jaime and Cersei sticking each other.

Tywin doesn’t have time for that nonsense and tells her he will name Loras to the Kingsguard, if Lady Olenna denies the marriage. Thus Highgarden will go to Joffrey and Margaery’s kids.

The queen of thorns lost this round.

Back at the wall, the climbing crew is a little closer to their goal. They run into trouble though when a wallvalanche spills down and causes Jon and Ygritte to fall. That son-of-a-bitch Orell cuts the rope, but Jon just manages to get to swing to the edge and grab on just in time. Then, he saves the girl. Jon gives Orell the “I’m going to fucking kill you” look. I can’t wait to see that.

jon

“Fuck you Bird man.”

Sansa and Loras discuss their potential wedding and broaches and pins. Oh if they only knew. Loras has been planning his wedding day for quite a while from the sounds of things.

Tyrion and Cersei both discuss the fact that they aren’t happy about getting set up with the Tyrells.

“We can have them both killed.” – Cersei

Cersei finally gives Tyrion credit for saving the day during the Battle of the Blackwater.

We also find out that it was Joffrey who ordered Ser Mandon to go after Tyrion.

Tyrion wonders what would happen if Jaime showed up and found out Cersei was to be wed.

“Ser Loras may come down with a terrible case of sword through bowels.”

Doesn’t Ser Loras get a sword to the bowels like every other night?

Tyrion has to tell Sansa about their engagement and he has to do it in front of his girl Shea. This is surely not going to end well.

“How to begin? This, this is awkward.” – Tyrion

Varys and Littlefinger are chilling in the throne room debating how many blades are in the throne. Littlefinger and Varys both express their views on order and chaos.

Varys is pro order, Littlefinger is pro chaos.

“The realm..Do you know what the realm is? It’s the thousand blades of Aegon’s enemies. A story we agree to tell each other over and over until we forget it is a lie.” – Littlefinger

“But what do we have left once we abandon the lie. Chaos, a gaping pit waiting to swallow us all.” – Varys

Then Littlefinger goes into the monologue of the Episode and one of the best of the Season. I seriously watched it 10 times, back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back.

“Chaos isn’t a pit. Chaos is a ladder. Many who try to climb it fail, never get to try again. The fall breaks them. And some are given a chance to climb, but they refuse. They cling to the realm, or the gods, or love. Illusions. Only the ladder is real. The climb is all there is.”

Woooooowwww. 10 points to Gryffindor for whoever wrote that shit.

Speaking of the climb Jon and Ygritte finally make it to the top and the sun comes out to greet them.

We get a great view of the landscape and then Jon and Ygritte make out on top of the world. Yeehaw.

Makeout

Game of Thrones Season 3 Episode 5 – Kissed By Fire

Season 3 Episode 5 – Kissed By Fire

I apologize for missing last week. I’ve been busy.

Overall Thoughts: Last week was the best episode of the Season and featured perhaps the best episode ending of the entire series (Blackwater and the beheading of Ned would be the others). This episode didn’t disappoint either. It was very solid and had some great, great scene work. The bathhouse scene with Jaime and Brienne did not disappoint. I told you in the beginning that you would like Jaime and a lot of people are jumping on the bandwagon!  He is on the road to redemption.

Grade: A-

The show opens with Thoros giving a prayer.

“For the night is dark and full of terrors.”

He is prepping Beric for his one-on-one battle with the Hound. Thoros ignites Dondarrion’s blade and it is ON!

Beric Kissed_Fire3

Shit just got real.

They knock a bunch of shit around and Thoros has to move Arya out of the way at one point. Beric gets the upper hand and lights the Hounds’ shield on fire. The crowd starts chanting “guilty” and Arya gets into it as well. The Hound battles back and out of nowhere cleaves Beric’s shoulder in half, it had to be a death blow.

Beric Dead

“Well, that didn’t go according to plan.”

The Red Priest goes to Beric’s aid and starts praying for him. Arya goes after the Hound herself, but Gendry intervenes.

The Hound laughs and says, “I guess their god likes me more than your butcher’s boy.”

I laugh. Why did I laugh? That shit isn’t funny.

Why do I like the Hound so much? Oh, I remember.

Arya tells him to burn in hell and Beric stands up. I thought he was dead?

“He will but not today.” – Beric Dondarrion

He is alive?!? WTF?

I thought you were done for Dondarrion!

North of the Wall, Orell is all up Jon’s ass asking questions about how many Crows are at Castle Black, which castles are manned and stuff. Jon surely doesn’t appreciate the game of 20 questions.

jon questions

“What’s with all the questions, bird man?

“What happens to your eagle after I kill you? Does he drift away like a kite with the strings cut or does he just flop dead to the ground.”

Jon is finally starting to be a badass.

The true badass, Tormund Giantsbane steps in.

After things settle down, Ygritte steals Jon’s sword and runs into a cave. She starts stripping. It looks like she wants Jon’s other sword as well.

“I want you to see me. All of me.”

Cave

Oh we see you Ygritte. We see YOU!

The start making out and Jon goes South of the WALL! Wowzers!

“You know nothing Jon…OH OH!”

She then asks Jon the best question ever posed on GOT:

“That thing you did with your mouth, is that what lords do to their ladies in the south?”

Snow’s response:

“I don’t know I just wanted to kiss you there is all.”

Damn son. You a smoothie, definitely a smoothie.

We find out Jon was a virgin, or a maid.

Ygritte starts talking about all the dick she has gotten and Jon changes the subject. They hop in the water and start going at it again. Maybe she should have bathed before he went down on her! Courtesy Ygritte, courtesy!

Back in the other cave, the Hound wants his gold. They argue and set him free, but not before these parting words…

“The Lord of Light isn’t done with you yet!”

Roose Bolton is presented with the Kingslayer, Jaime Lannister.

“You’ve lost a hand.” – Roose to Jaime

roose_bolton

No shit Sherlock.

Roose frees Brienne.

Jaime asks about word from the capital and Roose makes it sound like Cersei is dead, but then pulls a just kidding! Weird. What a freak.

Jaime collapses and heads off the see the Maester Qyburn, who wants to take the whole arm, but Jaime isn’t down for that.

He don’t want no stinking Milky of the Poppy! That’s right. Jaime is no pussy bitch.

Also, this exchange is great.

“There will be pain.” – Qyburn

“I’ll scream. – Kingslayer

“Quite a bit of pain.” – Kybin

“I’ll scream loudly”

handless

He made his sister scream as well. Cheap joke, sorry.

In King’s Landing, Cersei puts Littlefinger on assignment to find out what the Tyrells are up to.

Meanwhile, Lady Olenna is meeting with Tyrion and she is her usually thorny self.

“Gods boy that’s enough we’re not in a tavern.”

“I always take figs in the afternoon. They help move the bowels.”

Gross.

Tyrion wants to cut costs for the Royal Wedding. Lady Olenna says no way, and disses Tyrion.

“I was told you were a drunk, impertinent and thoroughly divulged. You will imagine my disappointment and finding nothing but a brow beaten book keeper.”

Damn! Tyrion does need to get back to being his cheery, drunken self.

After a bit, she offers to pay for half and Tyrion is pleased.

Back to Arya, who is talking to Gendry and he informs her that he is going to stay and work for the Brotherhood. Arya argues with him for a while, but Gendry makes a good point.

“I’ve served men my entire life.”

She walks away. Arya lost another friend.

arya sad

AWWWWWWW. Tear.

At Riverrun, Rickard Karstark and company kill the little Lannister boys.

What a fuck head.

Robb is told, and he is PISSSSSSED!

His council, Edmure, Catlyn and Talisa all want him to keep Karstark as a hostage. He decides to hang them all and kill Rickard Karstark even though he will lose many, many men, about half.

“This one was only the watcher. Hang him last so he can watch the others die.”

DAAAAAMN.

“He has to die.”

It is raining outside. This scene is very similar to when Theon cut off that guys’ head in season 2. Unlike Theon, it only took one swing for Robb. He is a home run hitter.

Karstark

“Kill me and be cursed. You are no King of mine.”

What a sweet scene.

We follow the fire back to Arya, who is going through her special psycho list of people she wants to die.

Thoros is boozing, and tells Arya that they are going to ransom her. They don’t want too, but…

Thoros again

“We need the gold.”

I love Thoros.

Beric joins the party and tells Arya he has died before. What?

How many times?

“Five I think. No, this will be six.”

And you’ve been got by both the Mountain and the Hound?

“Second time I’ve been killed by a Clegane.”

Does it make you feel weird?

“Every time I come back, I’m a bit less.”

Arya wants to know if Thoros could bring back Ned, even though he is sans head.

Cantcomeback

“Sorry, sweetie, ain’t no coming back from this!”

Doesn’t work that way apparently. Good thought though!

We meet Stannis’ wife. She is big into the Lord of Light.

Apparently he keeps her locked in a tower. Melisandre has been snitching on Stannis though.

QueenSelyseBaratheon

“I know you’ve been creeping with other tricks and I don’t give a damn.”

She also has three dead babies in jars. This bitch is crazier than the rest of the crazies.

“When she told me, I wept with joy.”

“She gave you a son.”

No, she gave him a vagina monster.

Stannis wants to see his daughter, Shireen

She has some sort of shingles on her face. I think it is called greyscale in the books.

Shireen

“Hey, at least I’m better looking than Honey Boo Boo.”

She has a very pretty voice though. It looks like she is locked in a tower as well.

The girl is a real sweetheart. She wants to know if the Onion Knight is with him, and Stannis tells her the Onion Knight has been a bad boy.

“He is rotting in a dungeon cell for his crime.”

Back with Jaime and Brienne, who is naked as her name day taking a bath.

Jaime jumps in with her and Brienne is shook.

shook

“There is another tub.”

He starts prodding her about Renly again and he apologizes.

Once again Renly gets more postmortem love than he did when he was alive.

Jaime goes into the story that helped to make him my favorite character.

JLB

“I should’ve told everyone that King was cray.”

“Do you think the honorable Ned Stark wanted to hear my side? He judged me guilty the moment he sent eyes on me. By what right does the wolf judge the lion?”

He has just lived with so much hate for so long. What a powerful scene. The ending was a bit over the top, with him moaning “my name is Jaime,” but it was great nonetheless.

Back on Dragonstone, Davos is visited by Stannis’ young daughter. She wants to teach him to read. How sweet.

“This word is Aegon.”

We jump back to Essos and Jorah Mormont and Barristan are discussing Thoros and being knighted.

“All I could think off was how badly I had to piss.”

Selmy also speaks about how Robert Baratheon and Aerys were bad kings and how Dany would be a good ruler.

Speaking of, Dany tells the Unsullied they can change their names. The chosen leader Grey Worm would rather keep his name. It is his lucky name.

greyworm

“Just don’t call me Dracarys.”

“Red Flea, Black Rat. Names that remind them who they are. Vermin.”

By the way, how cool is the language they speak. It sounds awesome.

Selmy and Mormont continue to talk and Mormont is tyring to find out if Barristan knows about his betrayal.

Barristan then really pisses off Jorah, but inferring that he would make Dany look bad back in Westeros. Jorah tells him to fuck off.

In Riverrun, Robb is working on a new strategy now that the Karstarks have left him. He determines that he will attack Casterly Rock with the help of Walder Frey. Yes, the same Walder Frey that he screwed over before. Is this a good plan? Most likely some concessions will have to be made.

“I’m going to take their home away from them.”

Also, Talisa tells Robb she doesn’t even know where Winterfell is.

Wasn’t she of noble birth? They don’t teach them geography across the sea? I don’t think that adds up.

Sansa and Margaery are chilling in the garden watching Loras spar. Sansa wants to know when she will be wed to Loras. She also believes that Joffrey won’t let it happen.

Margaery thinks otherwise.

“And only one to let you go. Because it will please me.”

Marge

Every dude watching the show would like to please you.

She is awful full of herself, and I like it.

All of a sudden one of the squires is hitting on Loras and we cut to them in the bedroom trying to poke each other with fleshy spears.

“That didn’t take long.” – Littlefinger.

Which part was he referring to?

The squire was a spy for Lord Baelish, and he informs Littlefinger that Loras is engaged to be wed. That cunning bastard Littlefinger figured it out in about ten seconds.

He meets with Sansa to confirm the rumor, and Sansa all of a sudden wants to stay. Littlefinger is way to smart for that shit.

Finally, we come to the closing scene. It was fucking awesome.

Tyrion meets with Tywin and Cersei is already there wanting as well.

“Your sister has learned that your new friends the Tyrells are plotting to marry Sansa Stark to Ser Loras.”

Tyrion finds this amusing.

“Missing some of Loras’ favorite bits, but I’m sure they’ll make do.”

Tywin does not, apparently Sansa is the key to the North.

Tywin is setting up everything up for a huge bomb.

“We will find Sansa Stark a different husband.”

tywin n tyrion

TYRION!

The half-man is not down with this plan, but Tywin insists.

“The girls’ happiness is not my concern, nor should it be yours.”

“You will wed her bed her and put a child in her. Surely your capable of that.”

They debate some more and the information that Tyrion has been married before pops up.

“I was wed.”

Then Charles Dance delievers three words in such a powerful way.

Tywin strong

“Only too well.”

He says it through his teeth, and that shit seriously gave me chills.

Cersei is super excited about the developments, then Tywin flips it on her. She has to marry Loras Tyrell.

Now she is all, “Daddy, NO!”

“I’m Queen Regent, not some brood mare.”

Tywin insists again.

“You’re my daughter. You will do as I command!”

Tywin gets up and leaves the room.

“My children,” he says with disgust. “You’ve disgraced the Lannister name for far too long.”

Cut to black.

Holy FUCK! This show is even exciting when it is planning weddings! What other show can possibly say that?