Game of Thrones – Season 3 – Episode 9 – The Rains of Castamere

Game of Thrones – Season 3 – Episode 9 – The Rains of Castamere

Overall Thoughts: Holy Fuck! Holy Fuck!! Holy Fuck!!! Holy Fuck!!!! Holy Fuck!!!!! I knew what was coming and I still got all emotional. I never was a huge Robb fan, and I enjoyed Catelyn even less, but I will really miss them. This was the best episode of the series. Many fans will argue that distinction goes to Blackwater (Season 2 – Episode 9), but the Rains of Castamere had action, and shock value. It was like Ned’s beheading and Blackwater combined into one kick ass episode. While the Red part of the Red Wedding went rather quickly (less than eight minutes) it was so gripping that it felt like much longer.

The theme of the episode seemed to be  loss and sacrifice. Bran sent Rickon off to be safe. Ygritte nearly sacrificed herself for Jon during his escape. Jon put his life on the line for an old man her barely knew. Robb sacrificed his pride in order to win back Lord Walder. We are reminded that Robb scarified everything for Talisa in the first place. Catelyn attempted to sacrifice herself so Robb could live. Arya and the Hound argued about the worth of a man’s life, much like Jon and the wildlings did. Arya sacrificed her safety at a chance to see or help her family. And, obviously the loss of life was the main driver at the end of the episode.

Grade: A+

We open with Robb and Catelyn discussing battle plans. Notice the focus on the X, Chess piece. Think who is tied to an X currently. Now think who is tourturing him. Now put two and two together. Now get mad if I spoiled something for you. Now, be happy if you had no fucking clue who that guy was. Now, back to the story.

Robb wants to attack Casterly Rock, the homestead of the Lannisters, and he wants to know what mama thinks. She is worried that the plan is crazy, and that it relys on Walder Frey, who Robb spurned just a few episodes back. Catelyn decides to say, “Fuck it let’s do it anyway.” Nice parenting mom.

“Show them how it feels to lose what they love.”

Mommy

“This plan has a high chance we end up deader than Ned, but vengeance!”

Those words kind of come back to bite her in the ass, actually more the throat.

The Stark gang heads to the Twins, home of House Frey, and inside Walder Frey extends his hospitality and protection. They break bread dipped salt, a ritual that gives them guest rights.

“I extend to you my hospitality and protection in the light of the Seven.” – Lord Walder

Robb says he is sorry, and Walder once again shows off what lovely young daughters and granddaughters he has. Once again, he can’t remember all of their names. Edmure looks them over and I think he is considering the two twin twelve year olds at this point.

twins

“Twins!”

“You could have had either. You could have had both for all I care.”

Robb apologizes to all the ladies and Walder gives him a slow clap.

Walder wants to check out Talisa. Who wouldn’t I suppose? He remarks that Robb married her more for lust than love.

“Prettier than this lot. That’s for sure.”

Walder knows what is going on under that dress.

“I can always see what’s going on beneath a dress.”

“I bet when you take that dress off, everything stays right where it is, doesn’t drop an inch.”

On my second watch of the episode I think that was Lord Walder’s way of saying he knew Talisa was pregnant.

“The wine will flow red, and the music will play loud, and we will put this mess behind us.” – Lord Walder

Another possible statement with some foreshadowing, or perhaps I am just adding it now that I know how it all goes down.

Over is Essos, Dany is going over battle strategy of her own with her crew of Barristan Selmy, Jorah Mormont and Daario Naharis. Daario thinks they should go into a back gate that his men use when they want to get freaky with some slave girls. Daario ain’t into that type of stuff.

“A man cannot make love to property.”

Dany gives him a deep look.

daario and dany

“You have my attention.”

Jorah, of course doesn’t trust him. Grey Worm, for whatever reason does. The plan is to send three men into the city and open the front door. Once that is done the city will fall quickly. Sure it will!

North of the Wall, Sam and Gilly are still walking, but they finally reach the Wall. Sam plans to find the Black Gate, a secret Night’s Watch Passage. They will pass through the Black Gate and onto the other side. That sounds much easier than the climb.

Sam learned of the secret entrance in a book. Books are great. So great in fact that Gilly thinks Sam is a wizard. You’re a wizard Sammy!

Near the Twins, the Hound and Arya come upon a lonely traveler, who broke a wheel on his cart. The Hound helps him out and then punches the guy in the face. He attempts to kill him, but Arya stops this from happening.

The Hound’s reasoning is sound:

“Dead rats, don’t squeak.”

This scene reminded me of Jaime and Brienne, waaaay back in episode 2, and we all remember how that worked out.

Arya calls the Hound a pussy.

“I know killer, a real killer. You’d be like a kitten to him. He’d kill you with his little finger.”

“That him.”

“No.”

“Good.”

Ha! The Hound continues to be the best. Arya gets the big man to try not murder for once. Then as the man arises, Arya hammers him over the head with a stick.

I think she intrigues the Hound, but he offers her words to live by in Westeros.

“You’re very kind. Someday it’ll get you killed.”

Just South of the Wall, Bran and his crew (ever notices how every main character has a crew now except for Jaime?) come to a tower in the Gift.

Jojen displays his meteorology skills and they decide they are going to stay the night in the tower.

We hop to Jon and Orell informs the group of wildlings that there is one old man ahead with eight horses. The old guy breeds horses for the Night’s Watch. The wildlings want to kill the old dude, and Jon of course does not. Orell calls him out for not being with them for the 800th time. Jon tries to bargain for the old man’s life.

“The watch might send a few men looking for a horse thief. They’ll send a lot more hunting down murderers.”

Tormund has a better point though.

“I hope so, killing Crows near a castle is tough, killing them out here, in the open, that’s what we do.”

They run at the hut and the old guy hops on his horse and rides out. Ygritte has a shot at him, but Jon yells at her and she misses. I can’t tell if she does so on purpose or not, but she gives Jon a glare colder than any White Walker’s touch.

Back near the Twins, the Hound is just chilling while Arya is trying to get things moving. The Hound calls her out for being scared that her family is going to leave before she gets there.

“You’re almost there, and you’re afraid you won’t make it. The closer you get the worse the fear gets.”

Arya goes right back at Clegane.

“I knew fear when I saw it in you. You are afraid of fire.”

The Hound continues to push the youngest Stark girl until she snaps.

“Someday I’m going to put a sword through your eye and out the back of your skull.”

Back in the Tower, Bran and company discuss how they will get past the wall. Just as this happens, the old horse breeder is surrounded by wildlings and Jon Snow. Hodor is freaked out by the thunder and keeps Hodoring.And now we pause for the best rap song since Daario Naharis actor Ed Skrein!!

Don’t ask me how I find this shit.

Orell hears something, but we find out Bran can jump into other people’s bodies. He enters Hodor, no homo (Shout out to Roy Hibbert) and calms him down.

Outside, Orell mentions the shouting, but Tormund dismisses it. Tormund is about to kill the old man, but Orell suggests that Jon do the deed, and he isn’t talking about the fun one with Ygritte.

Jojen tells Bran to warg out and into one of the wolves.

Jon contemplates killing the man, but can’t do it. Ygritte shoots the horse breeder herself and a fight breaks out. Jon knocks Ygritte away to keep her safe, and Tormund stops her from entering the fight.

“You’re not going to die for one of them.”

Bran finally wargs into his wolf Summer and takes out several wildlings. Jon final kills Orell, but not before Orell wargs into the bird. It is warg central.

Jon takes a bird to the dome, knocks it away and rolls off on his horse. Ygritte is pissed. If I thought that look earlier was cold, this one was at absolute zero.

Across the Narrow Sea, Daario, Jorah and Grey worm sneak into the city. We discover Daario is an excellent whistler. They are ambushed by several guards and have a pretty sweet fight scene. They take out the first wave and go back to back to back, just like all badass fighting groups. The next wave of soldiers rushes in and we cut back to the Twins.

Walder Frey walks the bride down the aisle, but no one can tell what she looks like because she has a veil on. It is obviously not the twins from earlier. Damn! Edmure looks nervous, but as the veil is lifted and we see a hottie, he looks well excited. Good for you Edmure. How the hell does he get a stunner? Frey must have done this to show Robb what he could have had.

In the tower, Jojen explains warging to Bran. He is the only person, who can warg into another person. Get it? Osha pulls her whole, “I’m not going North of the wall” spiel again. This time Bran tells her she has to take Rickon to be safe. Rickon has like five lines! All in one scene! What is happening! Osha takes Bran’s command and leaves immediately. She wanted to get the fuck outta dodge I guess.

At Dany’s camp, she is worried that Daario, Grey Worm and Jorah have been away too long. Just as she says this Grey Worm and Jorah come back covered in blood. Daario is missing, and Dany is worried about him. She asks where he is and Jorah looks like somebody shit in his Easter basket.

Jorah IANP

“Daario, Daario, Daario. What about Jorah?”

Daario rolls up all smooth like and tells Dany the city is yours. Jorah could have totally done this, but he has no game. Did I already mention that Daario raps? I did!?! Well I will again anyway.

At the Tully-Frey nuptials, the band is playing, everybody but Roose is drinking and people seem to be enjoying themselves.

“The Gods love to reward a fool.” – Blackfish about Edmure.

We find out the Roose is a gold digger.

“Aye, Lord Walder let me choose any one of his grand daughters and offered her weight in silver as a dowry, so I have a fat young bride.”

Talisa and Robb flirt, and when Robb moves in for a kiss, Talisa tells him to hold the phone.

Walder calls for the bedding, which I explained last week. Edmure and his bride are carried out and Edmure even starts to get a HJ on the way out.

“Once you set that monster free there is no caging him again.”

Ha! I expected Edmure to have a minnow in his pants not a muskie.

Talisa and Robb banter about bedding and they talk about the baby they are about to have. If it is a boy they will name him Eddard. Note: this is a terrible idea.

Oh fuck. It is that time. We will now break down the action based on what Catelyn’s face is saying.

They kiss and Catelyn notices that one of the Frey mean closes the door to the hall.

The look on Catelyn’s face says: That is odd…

The band begins to play the Rains of Castamere.

The look on Catelyn’s face says: I have a bad feeling about this.

Outside the Hound pulls up in his cart and tries to get into the feast pretending to be delivering salt pork. He is too late. Arya takes this chance to abandon the cart and look around.

Inside the hall, Walder Frey stops the song and starts monologing.

The look on Catelyn’s face says: Why are villains always doing that?

She lifts up the outer layer of Roose’s sleeve and notices that he has chainmail on.

The look on Catelyn’s face says: Oh, fuck you!

She slaps the shit out of him, and as he runs like a bitch she screams, “Robb!”

Walder gives Robb his wedding gift. One of his men delievers it, but he doesn’t give it to Robb, he presents the gift to Talisa in the form of a knife in the stomach. (This is why you don’t name your unborn son Eddard.)

THE RED WEDDING HAS OFFICIALLY BEGUN! Was your reaction like any of these?

Or was it more like this guy?

The band begins to fire arrows into Robb, and any Stark supporter in the crowd.

Catelyn takes one in the back.

The look on Catelyn’s face says: OWWWWW!

Outside, the Frey men start killing more Stark men and then shoot Robb’s wolf, Grey Wind.

Arya witnesses both events and tries to make it into the castle to see her family. The Hound catches up to her and knocks her out, and carries her out of the area.

Back in the hall, Catelyn crawls around under the table, and Robb crawls towards his wife.

“The King in the North arises.”

The look on Catelyn’s face says: I better do some crazy shit quick.

Catelyn grabs a dagger, springs up, and grabs Walder’s wife.

“Lord Walder, enough. Let it end. Please. He is my son. My first son. Let him go and I swear we will forget this.”

Lord Walder ain’t having it. Catelyn begins to beg.

“Please, please!!!”

The look on Catelyn’s face says: I’m fucking desperate.

She tries a new tactic.

“On my honor as a Tully, on my honor as a Stark, let him go or I will cut your wife’s throat.”

The look on Catelyn’s face says: I’m dead fucking serious you old coot.

Walder don’t give a fuck:

“I’ll find another.”

COLD BLOODED!!!!

Robb stands up and let’s out a whiperish “Mother.”

The look on Catelyn’s face says: My boy, my baby boy…

Roose comes back into the mix and stabs the eldest Stark!

“The Lannisters send their regards.”

The look on Catelyn’s face says: Noooooooo!

She screams bloody murder, then commits bloody murder.

The look on Catelyn’s face says: I’ve lost my mind.

As she stands in a catatonic state, one of the Frey men slits Catelyn’s throat.

The look on Catelyn’s face says: I’ve lost a lot of blood.

As her body falls lifelessly to the floor, we roll silent credits.

Wow! The scene in the book made some readers want to quit on the series, the scene in the show has apparently done the same thing. It just made me realize (again) no one is safe. How did it make you feel?

Game of Thrones Season 3 – Episode 8 – Second Sons

Game of Thrones Season 3 – Episode 8 – Second Sons

Overall Thoughts: While I expected more in this episode after the plodding of the last two episodes in terms of story movement, I thoroughly enjoyed the first part of Wedding Season in Westeros. Peter Dinklage pulled off a perfect drunken Tyrion. Sophie Turner put together her best performance to date, it was good to see Davos again, and it was so, so good to see Daenerys (naked) again. Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

Grade: B

We open with a rock. Not the Rock, but a rock. A rather sizable rock. Probably considered a cobble. Arya is going to use said cobble to bash Clegane’s head in.

The Hound notices what the wolf bitch is up to and gives her an offer:

“I’ll give you one try girl. Kill me and you’re free, but if you live, I’ll break both your hands. Go on hit me. Hit me hard.”

We cut to Arya on a horse with the Hound. The Hound tells Arya about how he saved Sansa.

“Ask her, who came back for her when the mob had her on her back. They would have taken her every which way, left her there with her throat cut open.”

Silly Arya thinks that the Red Fork is the Blackwater. The Hound informs her that he is going to take her to her Uncle Edmure’s wedding.

“The whole country side is yapping about it.”

It will be a wedding no one will forget.

Over in Yunkai, Dany and the two advisors are checking out the Second Sons. They are group of sellswords (mercenaries) led by a man called the Titan’s bastard.

Dany plans on converting them. She believes that they will switch sides because if they lose to a girl it would be bad for their reputation. This logic doesn’t make a ton of sense to me, but whatever.

They have a sit down and the Titan’s Bastard, some dude I forget and Daario Naharis show up. The Titan’s Bastard is a vulgar dude. If there was a dirtiest mouth in Westeros list, he would be in the top five.

Here is a list of his greatest hits followed by the rating.

“I swear I fucked you once at a pleasure house in Lys.” – 3 Stars

“She liked my ass like she was born to do it.” – 4.5 Stars

“Take your clothes off and come and sit on Mero’s lap.” – 2 Stars

*Sniffs Missandei* – 3 Stars

“Show me your cunt, let me see if it is worth fighting for.” – 4 Stars

“The Second Sons share everything, after the battle maybe we will share you.” 4 Stars

“I’ll come looking for you when this is over. *Slaps Missandei on theass* – 4.5 Stars

Wow he is a bastard!

We jump to Dragonstone, and Melisandre and Gendry are arriving on shore. God that was fast. Didn’t I talk about how quick she found the Brothers Without Banners a few weeks ago? Why is she the only one that can cover great distances quickly? It must be a red priest drink.

Stannis has a good look at Gendry. They send him to the chambers for a bath and fitting, and Stannis wonders why Melisandre doesn’t dispense with all formalities and kill the little shit already. Apparently, she has a plan.

“Have you ever slaughtered a lamb my King?…If the lamb sees the knife she panics. Her panic seeps into her meat darkens it, fouls the flavor.”

Gross.

Meanwhile in the dungeon, Davos is re-e-e-adin-gggg. T-T-T-Today JUNIOR!

Stannis comes to visit him and they debate the difference between kill and sacrifice.

Davos is Pro-Life for Gendry, while Stannis is Pro-Choice Gendry.

“What’s one bastard boy against a Kingdom.” – Stannis

Damn, Stannis is cold.

Davos doesn’t buy that reasoning. Davos knows that Stannis knows that Davos will try to talk Stannis out of sacrificing Gendry because Davos knows that Stannis knows Stannis doesn’t slaughter innocents. Or something like that.

The move the conversation into a religious debate. Davos represents the atheists. Stannis represents the born agains. They are touching on all kinds of touchy subjects tonight.

“I think mothers and fathers made up the gods because they wanted their children to sleep through the night.” – Davos

Point Davos.

“I saw a vision in the flames.  A great battle in the snow. I saw it…and you saw whatever she gave birth to. I never believed, but when you see the truth, when it is right there in front of you as real as these iron bars, how can you deny her god is real?”

Point Stannis.

I’m calling it a draw for now.

We head back to Yunkai and it is time for the Titan’s Bastard’s greatest hits volume 2.

“She won’t talk so much when she is chocking on my cock.” – 4 Stars

“My cock will find a way. Tell him. Is there any place that my cock can’t reach?” – 5 Stars

“Daario Naharis the whore who doesn’t like whores.” – 2 Stars

“She sells her cheeks and you sell your blade. What is the difference?” – 2.5 Stars

“No peeking.” *Kisses the whore on the ass* *Slaps the whore on the ass* – 3 Stars

They play a game of chance to see who has to kill Dany. Three coins passed out by the whore to the three “captains.” I didn’t get game. She can’t feel the difference of the coins? He explains which coin is which, so really she could determine which coin goes to which person right? Whatever, doesn’t matter.

Down in King’s Landing, Tyrion shows up at Sansa’s door. He sorta tells Sansa that he thinks she is hot in front of Shea. It is awkward. He has Pod take Shea out of the room. It is awkward some more.

Peter Dinklage does a great job portraying the awkwardness.

“You won’t be a prisoner after today. You will be my wife. I suppose that is a different kind of prison.”

“You’re right I have no idea how you feel.”

Oh Tyrion, none of us get how women think.

Tyrion asks Sansa if she drinks, to which she replies, “When I have to.”

He tells her, “well today you have to.” Which is practically Tyrion’s motto.

At the Great Sept of Baelor (the wedding chapel), Margaery is trying to suck up to Cersei, who tells her about the Rains of Castamere. Basically, there is some correlation between the family in the story, the Reyne’s and Tyrell’s. Both of the houses were number 2 when the wanted to be number 1! House Reyne rebelled and Tywin handled it.

“Gone, a gentle word. I’d saw slaughtered. Every man, woman and child put to the sword.”

After story time, Cersei threatens Margaery.

“If you every call me sister again, I’ll have you strangled in your sleep.”

I didn’t like this line. It is way too direct of a threat for Cersei. The delivery was great, but she is much more subtle in her scheming.

It is wedding time and Joffrey torments Sansa once again, by walking her down the aisle. What a sweet guy.

Joffrey

“I’m still the worst!”

Once the reach the top of the steps, Joffrey removes a step ladder that happens to be sitting there. Why you ask? Because Tyrion has to cloak the bride and Sansa is waaay to tall for him to pull that off. People are snickering at him and Tyrion is not amused. Neither is Tywin for the matter. Sansa kneels to help him out.

We jump back to Dragonstone and Melisandre is showing Gendry what real wealth looks like. They both share that they didn’t eat well growing up. She starts getting him drunk and then starts…putting the moves on him? I guess she has to sacrifice that ass to sacrifice his ass.

“This doesn’t seem very religious.” – Gendry

He is 100% correct on this, and on that note, where can I sign up for the Lord of Light? Who wouldn’t enjoy that service?

She makes the move and starts to ride him. Then she starts to tie him up. Kinky.

Things turn from Kinky to torturous.  She straps his feet and the poor bastard (pun intended) never knew what hit him. She pulls three leeches out of a box and puts them on his chest, stomach and COCK!

“Not there, not there!”

Damn right not there!

What is up with all the torture porn. First Theon, now Gendry.

Stannis and Davos walk in on this fucked up sex session, and then Mel pulls the leeches off with tweezers. How kind.

Stannis then names three people to die.

Robb Stark.

Balon Greyjoy.

Joffrey Baretheon.

With apologizes to Robb, two outta three ain’t bad.

It is party time in King’s Landing as well and Tyrion is looking drank. Lady Olenna is trying to figure out who will be whose uncle, brother-in-law and/or nephew/grandson.

Tywin notices Tyrion’s inebriation and scolds him.

“Your wife needs a child. A Lannister child. As soon as possible.”

Tyrion reminds daddy that he is good at two things specifically:

“Drinking and lust. No man can match me in these things.”

We then get a God of Tits and Wine call back from his conversation with Varys in season 2.

“I am the god of tits and wine. I shall build a shrine to myself at the next brothel I visit.”

All worship at the thrine of Tyrion or GOTAW!

Up in the balcony area, Loras tries to strick up a convo with Cersei, but she don’t give a fuck! She gives him the cold, cold shoulder. No wonder the dude likes dudes.

Back where most of the guests are hanging out, Joffrey corners Sansa and torments her some more.

“Maybe I’ll pay you a visit tonight after my uncle passes out.”

I didn’t know he liked girls.

Joffrey tries to get the bedding ceremony going. For those of you who don’t know, a bedding ceremony is where they rip all off the clothes of the bride and groom. The ladies carry the groom up to the bedroom and the men carry the bride up to the bedroom all while making inappropriate comments. This could be one Westerosi ceremony that I would like to check out.

Tyrion doesn’t want a bedding ceremony to go down and let’s Joffrey know it.

“You’ll be fucking your own bride with a wooden cock.”

Tywin dispenses with the bedding, and implies that Tyrion should apologize, which he sort of does through self-deprecation.

“A bad joke your grace, made out of envy of you own royal man hood. Mine is so small. My poor wife won’t even know I’m there.”

HA! Emmy for Dinklage!

Tywin points out that the half man is half drunk, or more likely whole drunk.

“Your uncle is clearly drunk your grace.” – Tywin

Tyrion admits he is and continues his Emmy performance.

“I am…guilty, but it is my wedding night. My tiny drunk cock and I have a job to do. Come wife. I vomited on a girl once in the middle of the act. Not proud of it, but I think honestly is important between a man and wife. Don’t’ you agree? Come I’ll tell you all about it, put you in the mood!”

HAHA!

Back in the bedroom, Tyrion gets a touch more serious.

“Astoundingly long…neck, you have one.”

He is talking like Yoda. We find out that Sansa is only 14! Damn!

Tyrion gets a lot more serious.

“My lord father has commanded me to consummate this marriage.”

After that news, Sansa drinks some wine!

OUCH!

She starts to take off her clothes and Tyrion watches for a moment. Then, he tells her to stop. The way he was half watching reminded me of his scene with Bronn. Where Bronn tells him something like, “you want to fuck the Stark girl, you just don’t want to admit it.”

Tyrion gets way more serious.

“I could. I won’t. If my father wants someone to get fucked I know where he can start. I won’t share your bed. Not until you want me to.”

Sansa wonders, “What if I never want you to?”

Tyrion replies, “and so my watch begins.”

Yes, another callback, this time to Season 1 and his Night’s Watch visit. The writer’s are on point with Tyrion’s dialogue tonight.

Tyrion heads over to the “couch” and passes out, hard.

We jump to Yunkai again and Dany is taking a bath talking to Missandei about languages.

Daario dressed as an unsullied is here to claim his prize.

“Don’t scream lively girl.” – Daario

He kind of talks like Jaqen H’ghar, the super assassin from Season 2, which is interesting because there are some theories out there that Daario is Jaqen. Personally, I don’t buy that theory, but it is interesting nonetheless.

He drops two heads on the floor, one belonging to some guy I don’t remember and the other belonging to THE TITAN’S BASTARD! No!!!! I guess we will never get that third greatest hits album after all.

Daario professes to be a self motivator.

“I only do what I want to do…I am Daario Naharis, I always have  choice.”

Dany stands up out of the tub to address him. I’m sure Daario enjoyed that, I sure did.

She makes him swear his allegiance, and he obliges.

We head back to King’s Landing, and Shea shows up at Tyrion and Sansa’s pad with breakfast and discovers that Tyrion didn’t sleep with Sansa. She is sooooo Happy!

North of the wall for the first time this episode, Sam, Gilly and the babe look for some shelter in the night. They find and old shack and as they head in, a raven shows up. Then another one.

Inside the shanty, Sam can’t start a fire, and Gilly invites him under the furs.

Sam

Which furs m’lady?

He jumps at that. They flirt back and forth and debate a wink and a blink and difference there in.

“A wink is on purpose.” – Gilly

Next they discuss boys names. Last names and first names. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Is this heading somewhere?

More ravens start showing up. Ut oh, a bad omen. This is heading somewhere!

Sam heads out to take a look.

There are now birds everywhere. Alfred would be proud.

The birds go quiet. Something has arrived. It is a white walker! Oh FUCKKKKK!

Sam man’s the fuck up and tries to fight it. The walker grabs Sam’s sword casts frost blot and freezes that mother fucker. Then sends Sam flying.

As the walker heads toward the babe, Sam pulls out the Dragonglass blade and stabs the thing in the back. It collapses and Sam runs off without the BLADE followed by all of the ravens!

Even though it is a holiday weekend, if you aren’t too hammered (I might be) be sure to tune in for Episode 9, it is going to be crazy good!

Edit, Episode 9 doesn’t run until June 2nd! Thanks Trav!

Game of Thrones Season 3 Episode 5 – Kissed By Fire

Season 3 Episode 5 – Kissed By Fire

I apologize for missing last week. I’ve been busy.

Overall Thoughts: Last week was the best episode of the Season and featured perhaps the best episode ending of the entire series (Blackwater and the beheading of Ned would be the others). This episode didn’t disappoint either. It was very solid and had some great, great scene work. The bathhouse scene with Jaime and Brienne did not disappoint. I told you in the beginning that you would like Jaime and a lot of people are jumping on the bandwagon!  He is on the road to redemption.

Grade: A-

The show opens with Thoros giving a prayer.

“For the night is dark and full of terrors.”

He is prepping Beric for his one-on-one battle with the Hound. Thoros ignites Dondarrion’s blade and it is ON!

Beric Kissed_Fire3

Shit just got real.

They knock a bunch of shit around and Thoros has to move Arya out of the way at one point. Beric gets the upper hand and lights the Hounds’ shield on fire. The crowd starts chanting “guilty” and Arya gets into it as well. The Hound battles back and out of nowhere cleaves Beric’s shoulder in half, it had to be a death blow.

Beric Dead

“Well, that didn’t go according to plan.”

The Red Priest goes to Beric’s aid and starts praying for him. Arya goes after the Hound herself, but Gendry intervenes.

The Hound laughs and says, “I guess their god likes me more than your butcher’s boy.”

I laugh. Why did I laugh? That shit isn’t funny.

Why do I like the Hound so much? Oh, I remember.

Arya tells him to burn in hell and Beric stands up. I thought he was dead?

“He will but not today.” – Beric Dondarrion

He is alive?!? WTF?

I thought you were done for Dondarrion!

North of the Wall, Orell is all up Jon’s ass asking questions about how many Crows are at Castle Black, which castles are manned and stuff. Jon surely doesn’t appreciate the game of 20 questions.

jon questions

“What’s with all the questions, bird man?

“What happens to your eagle after I kill you? Does he drift away like a kite with the strings cut or does he just flop dead to the ground.”

Jon is finally starting to be a badass.

The true badass, Tormund Giantsbane steps in.

After things settle down, Ygritte steals Jon’s sword and runs into a cave. She starts stripping. It looks like she wants Jon’s other sword as well.

“I want you to see me. All of me.”

Cave

Oh we see you Ygritte. We see YOU!

The start making out and Jon goes South of the WALL! Wowzers!

“You know nothing Jon…OH OH!”

She then asks Jon the best question ever posed on GOT:

“That thing you did with your mouth, is that what lords do to their ladies in the south?”

Snow’s response:

“I don’t know I just wanted to kiss you there is all.”

Damn son. You a smoothie, definitely a smoothie.

We find out Jon was a virgin, or a maid.

Ygritte starts talking about all the dick she has gotten and Jon changes the subject. They hop in the water and start going at it again. Maybe she should have bathed before he went down on her! Courtesy Ygritte, courtesy!

Back in the other cave, the Hound wants his gold. They argue and set him free, but not before these parting words…

“The Lord of Light isn’t done with you yet!”

Roose Bolton is presented with the Kingslayer, Jaime Lannister.

“You’ve lost a hand.” – Roose to Jaime

roose_bolton

No shit Sherlock.

Roose frees Brienne.

Jaime asks about word from the capital and Roose makes it sound like Cersei is dead, but then pulls a just kidding! Weird. What a freak.

Jaime collapses and heads off the see the Maester Qyburn, who wants to take the whole arm, but Jaime isn’t down for that.

He don’t want no stinking Milky of the Poppy! That’s right. Jaime is no pussy bitch.

Also, this exchange is great.

“There will be pain.” – Qyburn

“I’ll scream. – Kingslayer

“Quite a bit of pain.” – Kybin

“I’ll scream loudly”

handless

He made his sister scream as well. Cheap joke, sorry.

In King’s Landing, Cersei puts Littlefinger on assignment to find out what the Tyrells are up to.

Meanwhile, Lady Olenna is meeting with Tyrion and she is her usually thorny self.

“Gods boy that’s enough we’re not in a tavern.”

“I always take figs in the afternoon. They help move the bowels.”

Gross.

Tyrion wants to cut costs for the Royal Wedding. Lady Olenna says no way, and disses Tyrion.

“I was told you were a drunk, impertinent and thoroughly divulged. You will imagine my disappointment and finding nothing but a brow beaten book keeper.”

Damn! Tyrion does need to get back to being his cheery, drunken self.

After a bit, she offers to pay for half and Tyrion is pleased.

Back to Arya, who is talking to Gendry and he informs her that he is going to stay and work for the Brotherhood. Arya argues with him for a while, but Gendry makes a good point.

“I’ve served men my entire life.”

She walks away. Arya lost another friend.

arya sad

AWWWWWWW. Tear.

At Riverrun, Rickard Karstark and company kill the little Lannister boys.

What a fuck head.

Robb is told, and he is PISSSSSSED!

His council, Edmure, Catlyn and Talisa all want him to keep Karstark as a hostage. He decides to hang them all and kill Rickard Karstark even though he will lose many, many men, about half.

“This one was only the watcher. Hang him last so he can watch the others die.”

DAAAAAMN.

“He has to die.”

It is raining outside. This scene is very similar to when Theon cut off that guys’ head in season 2. Unlike Theon, it only took one swing for Robb. He is a home run hitter.

Karstark

“Kill me and be cursed. You are no King of mine.”

What a sweet scene.

We follow the fire back to Arya, who is going through her special psycho list of people she wants to die.

Thoros is boozing, and tells Arya that they are going to ransom her. They don’t want too, but…

Thoros again

“We need the gold.”

I love Thoros.

Beric joins the party and tells Arya he has died before. What?

How many times?

“Five I think. No, this will be six.”

And you’ve been got by both the Mountain and the Hound?

“Second time I’ve been killed by a Clegane.”

Does it make you feel weird?

“Every time I come back, I’m a bit less.”

Arya wants to know if Thoros could bring back Ned, even though he is sans head.

Cantcomeback

“Sorry, sweetie, ain’t no coming back from this!”

Doesn’t work that way apparently. Good thought though!

We meet Stannis’ wife. She is big into the Lord of Light.

Apparently he keeps her locked in a tower. Melisandre has been snitching on Stannis though.

QueenSelyseBaratheon

“I know you’ve been creeping with other tricks and I don’t give a damn.”

She also has three dead babies in jars. This bitch is crazier than the rest of the crazies.

“When she told me, I wept with joy.”

“She gave you a son.”

No, she gave him a vagina monster.

Stannis wants to see his daughter, Shireen

She has some sort of shingles on her face. I think it is called greyscale in the books.

Shireen

“Hey, at least I’m better looking than Honey Boo Boo.”

She has a very pretty voice though. It looks like she is locked in a tower as well.

The girl is a real sweetheart. She wants to know if the Onion Knight is with him, and Stannis tells her the Onion Knight has been a bad boy.

“He is rotting in a dungeon cell for his crime.”

Back with Jaime and Brienne, who is naked as her name day taking a bath.

Jaime jumps in with her and Brienne is shook.

shook

“There is another tub.”

He starts prodding her about Renly again and he apologizes.

Once again Renly gets more postmortem love than he did when he was alive.

Jaime goes into the story that helped to make him my favorite character.

JLB

“I should’ve told everyone that King was cray.”

“Do you think the honorable Ned Stark wanted to hear my side? He judged me guilty the moment he sent eyes on me. By what right does the wolf judge the lion?”

He has just lived with so much hate for so long. What a powerful scene. The ending was a bit over the top, with him moaning “my name is Jaime,” but it was great nonetheless.

Back on Dragonstone, Davos is visited by Stannis’ young daughter. She wants to teach him to read. How sweet.

“This word is Aegon.”

We jump back to Essos and Jorah Mormont and Barristan are discussing Thoros and being knighted.

“All I could think off was how badly I had to piss.”

Selmy also speaks about how Robert Baratheon and Aerys were bad kings and how Dany would be a good ruler.

Speaking of, Dany tells the Unsullied they can change their names. The chosen leader Grey Worm would rather keep his name. It is his lucky name.

greyworm

“Just don’t call me Dracarys.”

“Red Flea, Black Rat. Names that remind them who they are. Vermin.”

By the way, how cool is the language they speak. It sounds awesome.

Selmy and Mormont continue to talk and Mormont is tyring to find out if Barristan knows about his betrayal.

Barristan then really pisses off Jorah, but inferring that he would make Dany look bad back in Westeros. Jorah tells him to fuck off.

In Riverrun, Robb is working on a new strategy now that the Karstarks have left him. He determines that he will attack Casterly Rock with the help of Walder Frey. Yes, the same Walder Frey that he screwed over before. Is this a good plan? Most likely some concessions will have to be made.

“I’m going to take their home away from them.”

Also, Talisa tells Robb she doesn’t even know where Winterfell is.

Wasn’t she of noble birth? They don’t teach them geography across the sea? I don’t think that adds up.

Sansa and Margaery are chilling in the garden watching Loras spar. Sansa wants to know when she will be wed to Loras. She also believes that Joffrey won’t let it happen.

Margaery thinks otherwise.

“And only one to let you go. Because it will please me.”

Marge

Every dude watching the show would like to please you.

She is awful full of herself, and I like it.

All of a sudden one of the squires is hitting on Loras and we cut to them in the bedroom trying to poke each other with fleshy spears.

“That didn’t take long.” – Littlefinger.

Which part was he referring to?

The squire was a spy for Lord Baelish, and he informs Littlefinger that Loras is engaged to be wed. That cunning bastard Littlefinger figured it out in about ten seconds.

He meets with Sansa to confirm the rumor, and Sansa all of a sudden wants to stay. Littlefinger is way to smart for that shit.

Finally, we come to the closing scene. It was fucking awesome.

Tyrion meets with Tywin and Cersei is already there wanting as well.

“Your sister has learned that your new friends the Tyrells are plotting to marry Sansa Stark to Ser Loras.”

Tyrion finds this amusing.

“Missing some of Loras’ favorite bits, but I’m sure they’ll make do.”

Tywin does not, apparently Sansa is the key to the North.

Tywin is setting up everything up for a huge bomb.

“We will find Sansa Stark a different husband.”

tywin n tyrion

TYRION!

The half-man is not down with this plan, but Tywin insists.

“The girls’ happiness is not my concern, nor should it be yours.”

“You will wed her bed her and put a child in her. Surely your capable of that.”

They debate some more and the information that Tyrion has been married before pops up.

“I was wed.”

Then Charles Dance delievers three words in such a powerful way.

Tywin strong

“Only too well.”

He says it through his teeth, and that shit seriously gave me chills.

Cersei is super excited about the developments, then Tywin flips it on her. She has to marry Loras Tyrell.

Now she is all, “Daddy, NO!”

“I’m Queen Regent, not some brood mare.”

Tywin insists again.

“You’re my daughter. You will do as I command!”

Tywin gets up and leaves the room.

“My children,” he says with disgust. “You’ve disgraced the Lannister name for far too long.”

Cut to black.

Holy FUCK! This show is even exciting when it is planning weddings! What other show can possibly say that?