Game of Thrones – Season 3 – Episode 7 – The Bear and the Maiden Fair

Season 3 – Episode 7 – The Bear and the Maiden Fair

Overall Thoughts: This was another episode where not much really happened. I enjoyed the Tywin and Joffrey throne room scene and the titular fight with the bear, but other than that, this episode felt like it was missing something. It had no balls, just like Theon! (Cheap joke I know.) GRRM wrote the episode and while I enjoyed the relationships that it explored, I have to say it was probably the worst of the season in terms of events actually happening, but it also did have the most sex talk!

Grade: B-

Before the opening credits we get an N for Nudity! Wooo hooo. It has been too long.

Yunkai is in the title sequence now.

We open and Jon and Ygritte are still walking toward Castle Black. She wants discuss battle tactics that she finds silly. These include banners, bannermen, drums, drummer boys.

Apparently, the drumming is all about the rhythm according to Jon. Ygritte thinks it is all right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot.

“You know nothing, Jon Snow,” Ygritte points out about six times this episode. You could tell GRRM really likes that statement.

Orell starts giving Jon lip and Jon gives it to him right back,

“And now you are going to share it with me, the deep wisdom you found inside the head of a bird.”

Orell

“J + Y = Stupid.”

Robb Stark and company are getting rained on and it is causing them to be late for Edmure’s wedding! As I said last week, it is definitely wedding season is Westeros.

Blackfish thinks Walder Frey is wet shit. Well then. He apologizes to Talisa for saying wet shit in her presence, but she isn’t afraid of wet shit either. Robb states that Edmure is the best match in the history of House Frey. Well fuck, I feel bad for them!

Robb sends everyone packing and then he starts getting it in with wifey. I was hoping the nudity would not be used up on mid shots of Robb’s ass, but I guess that is how it goes. After round 1 is over Robb is easily distracted.

“If you don’t put some clothes on I can’t promise I won’t attack you again.”

“How am I supposed to sit here planning a war when you are over there looking like that?”

Talisa is writing a note to her mom, she is going to tell her that she is preggo. This is the first Robb is hearing of it as well. He jumps her bones again.

We jump back to Jon, and Tormund is telling him about how most men fuck. I told you this episode is full of sex talk. GRRM is a bit of a perv, me thinks.

“Most men fuck like dogs. Arf, Arf, Arf, Arf. No grace. No skill. Two dozen thrusts and done. You need to be patient. Give her time. Your cock shouldn’t go near until it is slick as a baby seal, and then you go inside, but slowly. Don’t jam it in like you are spearing a pig.”

Could that have been the best monologue ever?!? Top three for sure!

Orell starts making a move on Ygritte. What a fuck head. He needs to die.

We do find out that Ygritte loves Jon. AWWWWW!

Cave

“J + Y = Love.”

“You won’t love him so much when you find out what he really is.” – Orell

In King’s Landing, Sansa is crying AKA a normal day for Sansa Stark.

Sansa

“I’m stewpid.”

Yes, we know. You continue to be the worst.

The only plus of this scene is that we get a lot of Margaery.

Sansa is upset she has to marry the imp, and Margaery wants her to look at the bright side of things.

“Far from the worst Lannister wouldn’t you say?…Your son if I’m not mistaken, might be the lord to Casterly Rock and the North some day.”

The notion of a son reminds Sansa that her and the half man are going to have to get it on.

Marge thinks Tyrion is good looking. The talk then turns to this episodes theme, sex.

“So many of us get to try so little before we are old and grey…Pleasing us takes practice.”

Margaery you minx!

Tyrion and Bronn continue the sex talk, and Bronn continues to be the best.

“Shea is a whore. Are you gonna marry her eh?”

“Wed one, bed the other…You’ll have two women and a whole Kingdom of your own.”

“You waste time trying to get people to love ya, you’ll end up the most popular dead man in town.”

“You want to fuck that Stark girl. You just don’t want to admit it.”

Four spectacular lines from Bronn in a row! The writers love them some Bronn.

Tyrion is slightly annoyed by this.

“I don’t pay you to put evil notions in my head. The one’s already in there don’t need company.”

Bronn’s response,

“You pay me to kill people who bother ya. The evil notions come free.”

Yes!

Next up we head to the throne room and Tywin visits Joffrey after being summoned. Joffrey feels like he is being left out of the Small Council meetings. He doesn’t come because he doesn’t want to walk up all of the stairs to the Tower of the Hand. Also a great website!

Tywin shows a great level of disgust/duty with his next few lines.

“The Tower of the Hand is where I work, the walk from there to here would take time, time I could otherwise spend productively.”

“We could arrange to have you carried.”

Joff wants to change the subject, he wants to know about Dany and the Dragons. He thinks they should do something about her, but frankly, Tywin doesn’t give a shit about Dany right now, and he feels this meeting was a waste of his time.

Tywin

“Quit wasting my time youngin’.”

Tywin drops the mic and walks out, and did I notice a slight smile on Tywin’s face as he descended the stairs? I think I did!

Across the Narrow sea, Jorah wants Dany to skip past Yunkai, but she wants to free the 200,000 slaves inside the city, so she calls for a meeting.

Razdar Mo Muhammed (I have no clue what is name actually is) comes rolling up the hill in his slave powered carriage and takes a seat in Dany’s tent.

The dragons are just hanging out, and Razdar is looking kind of shook, but he starts out strong.

“Ancient and glorious is Yunkai. Our empire was old before dragons stirred in old Volantis.”

“If blood is your desire, blood shall flow.”

Translation: Razdar don’t give a fuck.

He gives Dany a present, a few chests of gold and as many ships as she needs. He wants to send her to Westeros and away from Yunkai. She offers him a gift as well, his life. How kind Khaleesi.

“You will release every slave in Yunkai. Every man woman and child shall be given as much food, clothing, and property they can carry as payment for their years of servitude. Reject this gift and I shall show you no mercy.”

DAAAMN! Dany is such a bigger bad ass in the show than I remember in the books.

Razdar gets all scared.

“You swore me safe conduct.”

“I did, but my dragons made no promises and you threatened their mother.” – Dany

The slaver wants the gold back, but Drogon ain’t having that. He swoops down and squaks/roars at the slaver’s crew.

“My gold, you gave it to me remember? And I shall put it to good use. You’d be wise to do the same with my gift to you. Now get out.”

Barristan reminds her that the Yunkai are no push overs, they won’t bend easily.

“And what happens to things that don’t bend.”

(I was standing up cheering in my living room at this point.)

If Tywin dropped the mic, Dany just spiked that mother fucker.

Dany Tough

“You don’t have to go home, but you’ve got to get the hell up outta here.”

With all this talk about presents, Tyrion doesn’t want to be left out. He gives two chains (2 Chainz?) to Shea, so she won’t be mad at him. It doesn’t work.

Tyrion offers to buy her a nice place to stay in the city and even offers to provide for any children they may have. This doesn’t work either.

Tyrion tells her, “You will always be my lady.”

She feels differently about the situation.

“I’m your whore and when you are tired of fucking me, I will be nothing.”

He should have tried singing to her. You’ll always be a part of me….

From there we have this awesome over the top shot of a boat. What boat is this? Oh, it is Melisandre and Gendry headed to Dragonstone. I think that is where they are heading anyway.

Gendry finds it awkward that he is back where he started. Melisandre tells him that he is a bastard, but his pops is Robert Baratheon.

“There is power in a king’s blood.”

Yup, he is definitely taking the place of Edric Storm.

Arya is hanging out in the cave still and she still pissed at Beric and Thoros for sending Gendry away with the red woman.

Beric says it was because R’hllor said so. Isn’t it funny that no one has said the name R’hllor yet? It is always the Lord of Light.

Arya doesn’t follow the red god, she is into death. This is an early development for her considering in the books she has already killed several people by now. So far in the show verse she has killed one, I believe.

The bowman rushes in. He has spotted a Lannister raiding party and the crew is going after them, but they promised Arya they would go to Riverrun. She flips out and bolts. They chase her into the woods, but they can’t find her. The Hound does though! Oh boy! More screen time for the Hound! How exciting!

“Kick all you want wolf girl, won’t do you no good.”

the hound

“Who found the Stark bitch? I found the Stark bitch!”

At Harrenhal, Jaime tells Brienne they must part. She has to stay and he has to go. He feels like he owes her though.

“You gave your word. Keep it and consider the debt paid.” – Brienne

“I will return the Stark girls to their mother. I swear it.”

Jaime heads off towards King’s Landing with Maester Qyburn and a small party.

Jaime parts with these words that SPOILER will come back to bite him in the ass.

“Tell Robb Stark, I’m sorry I couldn’t make his uncle’s wedding. The Lannister’s send their regards.”

Worst plot line alert!!!!!!!!!!! It is Theon. He is being unstrapped by two fine ass women. I predicted a loss was coming as soon as I saw them.

Apparently, religious girls in Westeros are also sexually repressed.

“Miranda knows what she is doing. She trained as a septa, only she had other urges.”

The move onto the topic of Theon’s manhood.

“Everybody talks about it.”

Who does? I have never once heard it mentioned.

If you didn’t think there was enough sex talk here comes some more.

They start stripping and riding him and just when he starts to get into it, the torturer shows up blowing his horn and cock blocking. Not only is this dude a piece of shit, he is a cock block as well.

Ramsay

World class cock block.

He talks about Theon’s magic cock as well. I thought Podrick had the magic stick?

“Well shouldn’t we see this cock everyone is always going on about. Everyone knows you love girls, and you always thought they loved you back. Your famous cock must be very precious to you. Would you say it is your most precious part.”

This can’t end well.

Now torturer guy is going to cut Theon’s cock off. It sucks to be Theon.

Theon begs for mercy.

“I’m not killing you, just making a few alterations.”

I think I would probably rather die as well.

We move back to Jon and Ygritte, who are getting a ton of screen time this episode. They are still walking to Castle Black. Ygritte spots a windmill and thinks it is a palace.

She doesn’t know what swooning is either. They start flirting and Jon mentions how he would like Ygritte to wear a pretty dress.

“I’d like to see you in a silk dress…so I could tear it off you.” – Jon Snow

“You rip my pretty silk dress, I’ll blacken your eye.” – Ygritte

HAHAHA! Yes! She is awesome.

The conversation turns solemn for a moment.

“The wildlings have attacked the kingdoms six times, and failed six times.” – Jon Snow

Jon thinks this attempt will end poorly as well.

“You don’t have the discipline. You don’t have the training. You don’t know how to fight together…If you attack the wall you’ll die. All of you.” – Jon

“All of us.” – Ygritte

Then she comes up and kisses him out of nowhere.

“You are mine and I am yours. If we die, we die, but first we’ll live.”

In another Northernish location, Osha and Hodor are setting up the tent and Osha doesn’t like how Jojen doesn’t pull his own weight. She starts telling Hodor how she feels and he just replies,” Hodor.”

HA! It knew it was coming and it was still good.

Bran tells Osha they aren’t going to Castle Black anymore, and Osha goes on a tirade.

Apparently, she had a man once, a good one, and one night he disappeared and died. He came back as a wight and almost killed her. She had to burn the hut she lived in to the ground in order to stop him. That is why she doesn’t want to go back North of the wall. I can’t say I blame her.

Jaime has made it a bit of a the way from Harrenhal and Qyburn is cleaning out his wound.

Qyburn has a weakness and it is curiosity. He did experiments on living/dying men. That is why he lost his maester’s chain.

Qyburn informs Jaime that the Lord of Tarth offered 300 gold dragons for Brienne, but Locke won’t take it because he feels he is being cheated. Locke still thinks Brienne’s father is loaded with sapphire money. Basically, Jaime’s lie that saved her is now her doom.

Our man Jaime decides to intervene though. He convinces his escort to take him back to Harrenhal and he shows up just in time to see that the soldiers are watching Brienne v. Bear.

Brienne has a wooden sword and the bear has actual teeth.

Where is Brick Tamlan when you need him.

Jaimes wants her out, but Locke doesn’t care.

“Go buy yourself a golden hand and fuck yourself with it.” – Locke

Jaime jumps into the pit and lifts Brienne out with the old jump on the back strategy. That is great, but it always leaves the second person stranded. The Bear attacks, and Jaime runs up the wall rodeo clown style! He is barely hanging on. The whole one hand thing, but Brienne pulls him out just in time.

“The Bitch stays” – Locke

“I’m taking her to King’s Landing unless you kill me.” – Jaime

There is a standoff and finally Locke concedes and decides to let the Lady of Tarth go.

Jaime drops the, “sorry about the sapphires” line and walks out.

Season 3 MVP = Jaime “the Kingslayer” Lannister!

Game of Thrones Season 3 – Episode 6 – The Climb

Game of Thrones Season 3 Episode 6 – The Climb

Overall Thoughts: While this Episode had some awesome scenes, it was one of the slower episodes of the Season. I understand they had to slow down a bit to give the storylines some room to grow and expand, but I felt like several of them were at more of a crawl than a walk. The pacing of the show will always be a problem and that is because the pacing of the books is a problem, but there will always be a few major set pieces per season that will knock people’s socks off.

Grade: B-

We open with Sam, Gilly and the babe.

“You’ve got to much wood in there,” Gilly tells Sam referring to the fire.

Sam

“If she only knew.”

They discuss how Sam is highborn, and he changes the subject to the Dragonglass blade.

“What does it do?” Gilly wondered.

It is used for stabbing, duh.

They are still a few days from the Wall, and Sam details the finer things from Castle Black, like a fire that is always burning and venison stew. He starts to sing to the babe.

“The father’s face is stern and strong…”

“The mother gives the gift of life…”

Side note: All this talk of the seven reminded me of a reader theory I found last week and I have to pass it on. These aren’t really spoilers, but the correlation is interesting. Basically the Starks are matched up to the Seven new Gods, and it all fits except for maybe Rickon.

The Seven is really a single deity with seven aspects, each symbolizes a different area of life.

Ned is the Father, which sits in judgment over souls.

Catelyn is The Mother, which is prayed to for mercy, fertility, childbirth and peace.

Robb is the Warrior, who represents protection, valor, and skill in battle

Sansa is the Maiden, or purity, love and beauty.

Arya is the Stranger, or death, which if you know what she is doing in the latest books fits.

Bran is the Crone representing wisdom and forsight.

That means Rickon would be the Smith. So, it could be him who rebuilds Winterfell. Rickon is still up in there air because we don’t know a lot about him.

Check out this video for more information about the gods.

Back to the Episode.

At another camp fire, Osha and Meera talk shit to each other about who can skin rabbits better, who can hunt better and who can be bitchier. Osha gets in the best burns in the exchange.

“You’ve got a big mouth girl, and too many teeth.”

“Lady Reed has a stick so far up her ass it’s a wonder her feet touch the ground.”

Bran does his whole I’m a Stark routine and forces them to get along.

game-of-thrones-season-3-osha

“You’re a good little hunter, and a quite the little bitch.”

Jojen begins to convulse. At first I thought he was doing the Harlem Shake, Westeros, but apparently, Green seers are also epileptic. I don’t remember that from the book.

Rickon gets two line of dialogue! I almost forgot he was alive. Jojen was dreaming of a white walker, and saw our boy Jon Snow.

“I saw Jon Snow…he is on the wrong side of the wall.” – Jojen

Speaking of Jon boy, we jump to Jon and Ygritte preparing to climb the wall. Ygritte calls Jon out for being afraid, I know I would be 700 feet, fuck that.

JS Climb

“Bitch that wall is 700 feet high, and you want me to climb it with a rope and a pick axe?”

Ygritte gives Jon some climbing shoes because he is good at oral. She stole them from her ex-boyfriend. She then continues to be horny all the time and talks about how good his skill in bed is.

“You’re a proper lover Jon Snow.”

“You’re going to be loyal to your woman.”

She gets real on him for a minute.

“It is you and me that matters to me and you…Don’t ever betray me.”

I would not cheat on Ygritte if I was you Jon Snow.

“I’ll cut your pretty cock right off and wear it around me neck.”

Okay….

I would definitely not cheat on Ygritte if I was you Jon Snow!!!

jon questions

“I got myself a crazy red-hed!”

We head back South, and Arya is doing her creepy prayer thingy and learning how to shoot a bow and arrow. She has good aim, but apparently she is takes to long to aim.

“Never hold.”

“Never aim.”

Melisandre shows up. How did she find them so fast? Some of these people have been roaming around the Riverlands for two seasons and she finds them in two  episodes?

Mel is giving Thoros shit for being a drunk. I think that is his best quality. When Thoros said “You worship him your way and I worship him mine,” in high valaryian I actually read the subtitles as “I worship him with wine.” That would have been way better.

Beric Dead

“I worship him with wine.”

She is here to see Beric, who looks like he has died six times over. Mel examines him and is jealous that Thoros can resurrect people. Umm, this is the same chick that squirts demons out of her gash. She should not be surprised by this. Thoros goes into a monologue about his faith and we learn he used to fuck all the whores in King’s Landing. That must have been a lot of work.

I did however like the following quote:

“I knelt beside his cold body and said the old words. Not because I believed in them, but he was my friend and he was dead.”

Beric tells us that there is only darkness on the other side. That is depressing.

Mel finally tells us why she is here. She wants Gendry, and not in the table fucking way she wanted Stannis. Naturally, Arya doesn’t like Melisandre and Gendry points out why.

“That’s cause you’re a girl.”

This is the second time this episode has expressed that even in Westeros girls don’t like each other.

Mel steals Gendry and tells them he is more than they (the Brotherhood) will ever be.

“You will make Kings rise and fall.”

Gendry

“From what I’ve heard you make certain Kings rise all the time m’lady.”

It seems as though Gendry is going to take the place of Edric Storm a young bastard who Stannis and Mel wanted to sacrifice for his King’s blood in the books.

“You’re a witch,” Arya tells Mel.

Gendry

“I think you meant bitch.”

Mel then touches Arya and has a vision.

“I see a darkness in you, and in that darkness eyes staring back at me. Brown eyes. Blue eyes. Green eyes. Eyes you will shut forever. We will meet again.”

I feel this represents all of the people Arya is going to kill.

Back at the wall, the climb has begun.

Jon looks down. Don’t ever look down. Ygritte continues to bust Jon’s balls even when they are some 400 feet in the air.

“You staring at me ass Jon Snow?”

He slips, but ends up alright.

We head back to the X, or as my friend Trav point out, Saint Andrew’s cross that Theon is tied to. He is still being tortured, and we find out it was is for no good reason.

Literally his torturer says.

“This isn’t happening to you for a reason.”

Yup, we know.

I liked Theon’s conversion in the books, but I also liked not seeing it firsthand. It is kind of boring to watch someone get tortured.

The torturer makes up a story that he is the son of Rickard Karstark. Why? I don’t know, just like I don’t have any clue why they are shoving this storyline down our throats. I already felt bad for Theon.

I hope they get this storyline over quickly.

Over at Tully manor, Robb Stark meets with some Frey’s and they are planning a wedding as well. Apparently it is wedding season in Westeros!

Edmure has to marry one of the Frey girls. Hey, at least she is 19.

Robb wants to wait, but the Frey’s insist.

“His recent experience has made him weary of long engagements.”

When the Frey’s leave the room Edmure tells Robb that he won’t be marrying just anyone.

“Why should I let that old ferret choice my bride for me?”

Robb and the council really turn the screws into him and he comes around.

Edmure

“I’ll marry her, but she better at least be a 4.”

Roose Bolton is giving audience to Brienne and Jaime. Brienne looks pretty in her dress and Jaime looks to be having a tough time cutting his steak.

Bri and J dress

Roose will allow Jaime to go, but he has to tell his Daddy that Roose had nothing to do with his maiming.

Roose also doesn’t drink. No wonder he sucks.

Jaime assumes Brienne is going to come with him to King’s Landing, but we find out Roose has other plans for her. Then he drops this line on Jaime.

“I would have hoped you learned your lesson about overplaying your…position.”

What a dick.

Next up, we have the best scene of the Episode. Tywin v. Lady Olenna in a debate about who will marry who.

Tywin scores points first going after Loras’ sexuality.

“My stomach remains quite strong however. The only thing that might turn it are details of your grandson’s nocturnal activities.”

Lady Olenna brushes it off.

“It is a natural thing for two boys to go at it underneath the sheets.”

In Highgarden dudes banging dudes happens all the time.

“A sword swallower through and through.” – Lady Olenna about Loras.

Lady Olenna then turns the conversation to rumors about Jaime and Cersei sticking each other.

Tywin doesn’t have time for that nonsense and tells her he will name Loras to the Kingsguard, if Lady Olenna denies the marriage. Thus Highgarden will go to Joffrey and Margaery’s kids.

The queen of thorns lost this round.

Back at the wall, the climbing crew is a little closer to their goal. They run into trouble though when a wallvalanche spills down and causes Jon and Ygritte to fall. That son-of-a-bitch Orell cuts the rope, but Jon just manages to get to swing to the edge and grab on just in time. Then, he saves the girl. Jon gives Orell the “I’m going to fucking kill you” look. I can’t wait to see that.

jon

“Fuck you Bird man.”

Sansa and Loras discuss their potential wedding and broaches and pins. Oh if they only knew. Loras has been planning his wedding day for quite a while from the sounds of things.

Tyrion and Cersei both discuss the fact that they aren’t happy about getting set up with the Tyrells.

“We can have them both killed.” – Cersei

Cersei finally gives Tyrion credit for saving the day during the Battle of the Blackwater.

We also find out that it was Joffrey who ordered Ser Mandon to go after Tyrion.

Tyrion wonders what would happen if Jaime showed up and found out Cersei was to be wed.

“Ser Loras may come down with a terrible case of sword through bowels.”

Doesn’t Ser Loras get a sword to the bowels like every other night?

Tyrion has to tell Sansa about their engagement and he has to do it in front of his girl Shea. This is surely not going to end well.

“How to begin? This, this is awkward.” – Tyrion

Varys and Littlefinger are chilling in the throne room debating how many blades are in the throne. Littlefinger and Varys both express their views on order and chaos.

Varys is pro order, Littlefinger is pro chaos.

“The realm..Do you know what the realm is? It’s the thousand blades of Aegon’s enemies. A story we agree to tell each other over and over until we forget it is a lie.” – Littlefinger

“But what do we have left once we abandon the lie. Chaos, a gaping pit waiting to swallow us all.” – Varys

Then Littlefinger goes into the monologue of the Episode and one of the best of the Season. I seriously watched it 10 times, back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back.

“Chaos isn’t a pit. Chaos is a ladder. Many who try to climb it fail, never get to try again. The fall breaks them. And some are given a chance to climb, but they refuse. They cling to the realm, or the gods, or love. Illusions. Only the ladder is real. The climb is all there is.”

Woooooowwww. 10 points to Gryffindor for whoever wrote that shit.

Speaking of the climb Jon and Ygritte finally make it to the top and the sun comes out to greet them.

We get a great view of the landscape and then Jon and Ygritte make out on top of the world. Yeehaw.

Makeout

Game of Thrones – Season 3 Episode 2 – Dark Wings, Dark Words

Welcome to the Game of Thrones recap. I am a huge fan of the show and I have read all the books, or listened to the audiobooks. I don’t spoil anything, but I do make some comparisons to the book.

Season 3 – Episode 2 – Dark Wings, Dark Words

Overall thoughts: Much like last week’s episode, Dark Wings, Dark Words was fairly slow, was but it was necessarily so because we only caught up with about half of the characters in the premiere. The Jaime and Brienne showdown was not as good as I hoped, but anytime the Kingslayer gets a lot of screen time I will be pleased. He is my favorite character. Many people ask why, but if you keep watching you will find out. We also finally caught up with Arya, a favorite of many a GoT fan, Bran, and Theon.

Grade: B-

We open with Bran running through the forest. It is likely a dream because we all know Bran’s legs are busted. The three-eyed Raven swoops in and Bran, god he looks much older than last year, prepares to take a shot at it with his bow. Out of nowhere Jon Snow and Robb show up. They give him some advice, but he still misses. They laugh at him and then Ned Stark’s voice comes from above. Another boy appears. It is Jojen Reed!

“You can’t kill it you know…Because the Raven is you.”

Bran wakes up to see the wolves, Rickon, Hodor, and Osha. Bran describes his dream to Osha, but she doesn’t want to hear it. She isn’t a fan of the dark arts in this universe either.

 game-of-thrones-season-3-osha

“Keep that shit to yourself, Bran.”

We jump to Robb and his woman, Talisa. She tells him that her mother used to say that Westerosi were grim bearded, stinking Barbarians. They start to make out and Roose Bolton rolls in with word from Riverrun and Winterfell. It is bad news as expected. Dark Wings, Dark Words, a nice nod to the show’s title.

Roose 2

Roose always be cock blocking.

Robb tells Catelyn that they are heading to Riverrun because her pops kicked the bucket and she wonders if she will be wearing manacles at the funeral.

He also lets her know that the roof is on fire in Winterfell and they don’t need no water because no one has seen Bran and Rickon either.

Catelyn asks if Robb has received any demands from Theon. He hasn’t.

If you say his name his name he will appear and we cut to Theon tied up, being tortured. He doesn’t know why he is being tortured, and his captor won’t tell him, but he will shove a piece of metal through his finger. Ouch. This happened in the books, but it happened off screen. They are likely going to show Theon’s storyline because Alfie Allen was so good last season.

 theon-greyjoy-tortured

“Last season I was stabbing bitches, but now bitches be stabbing me!”

Next up we are in a field and yes, it is the Jaime and Brienne road show! Jaime’s wit is on full display. He is sick of Brienne and isn’t afraid to tell her about it.

“No one enjoys the company of a humorless mute. Trust me on this…You think Lady Stark’s going to want a giant toe-headed plank following her around for the rest of her life. A week’s journey with you and she’ll order you to fall on your sword.”

jaime-lannister-sword

“If I didn’t lay the pipe to my sister, I would be the best thing to
come out of Westeros since Balor the Blessed!”

We pause for a piss break and it looks like Brienne checks out his goods! Maybe it was just the weird camera angle though.

Jaime wants to know how Brienne came into Lady Stark’s service. Brienne tells him to mind his fucking business. Then Jaime drops this line.

“It to be recently. You weren’t with her at Winterfell…Because I visited Winterfell. I would have noticed your dower head smacking into the arch ways.”

Classic!

He keeps pressing her for info and deduces that she was in Renly’s service. He isn’t a huge fan of the dead man.

“You weren’t Renly’s type I’m afraid. He preferred curly haired little girls like Loras Tyrell.”

HAHAHA!

“It’s a shame the throne isn’t made out cocks. They’d have never got him off it!”

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

This is why he is my favorite.

They come across a traveler on the road. Jaime thinks that the man may have recognized him. He wants to kill the man so he won’t tell anyone, but Brienne isn’t down with killing random dudes on the street.

cult-game-of-thrones-brienne

“Just because I’m a big bitch, doesn’t mean I’m a big bitch.”

We jump back to King Joffrey. He’s the worst. He is getting his new threads and his tailor is trying to make him wear some flowers, but Joff ain’t a bitch. Fuck if he wears flowers.

Cersei thinks Joffrey should give the flowered fabric to Margaery.

“Give it to Margaery for her wedding gown. It should be enough fabric.”

Oh snap!

Cersei wants to know what Joffrey thinks about Marge, and he is happy because with the Tyrell’s at his side they can run shit.

She wants to know what he thinks about her though, not just the power her family brings.

Joff doesn’t want to talk to his mom about girls though. Who does?

“She married Renly Baratheon because she was told to. That is what intelligent women do, what they’re told.”

Joffrey is mean

“I hate women and gays. Could I get any worse?”

Yup, he is still a little shit.

We move to Sansa and Shae, discussing Littlefinger. Shae says Littlefinger wants to get it in with Sansa, but she doesn’t think so.

“He is too old.”

Shae is being super protective of Sansa.

Loras Tyrell shows up to take her to see Margaery and his grandma in the gardens.

Sansa seems to dig Loras, but as we know she is missing something he likes.

We see Margaery for the first time this episode. Good lord she is sexy.

Marge

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

We meet Lady Olenna, the Queen of Thorns. She has no filter.

Olenna

“I’m a straight up G, as in Grandma, and I get my cheese when I want.”

“Loras is young and very good at knocking men off horses with a stick. That does not make him wise. As to your fat head father…”

They discuss Renly and then move into an outdoor gazebo for Lemon Cakes. Sansa likes her some lemon cakes.

The reason they invited Sansa was to find out more about Joffrey.

She is scared to say anything negative about the king, but the Queen of Thorns pushes for more.

“Yes, all Lannister’s are lions, and when a Tyrell farts it smells like a rose.”

They keep on Sansa, and she finally gives in.

“He’s a monster.”

They really don’t care the wedding is still on anyway.

The Stark army is marching to Riverrun for the funeral and Lord Karstark thinks it is a waste of time. He also thinks Robb fucked up by marrying the wrong woman.

“You lost this war the day you married her.”

Talisa and Catelyn talk, as Catelyn makes a prayer circle of the seven thing. Catelyn goes into an awesome monologue about how she prayed for Jon Snow to die. He came down with the pox and she changed her mind and begged the gods to save him.

“When my husband brought that baby home from the war, I couldn’t bear to look at him. I didn’t want to see those brown strangers’ eyes staring up at me. So, I prayed to the gods. Take him away, make him die. He got the pox. And I knew that I was the worst woman who ever lived. Murderer. I condemned this poor innocent child to a horrible death all because I was jealous of his mother. A woman he didn’t even know. So I prayed to all seven gods. Let the boy live. Let him live and I’ll love him. I’ll be a mother to him. I’ll beg my husband to give him a true name. To call him Stark and be done with it. To make him one of us…And I couldn’t keep my promise. And everything that has happened since then, all this horror that has come to my family is all because I couldn’t love a motherless child.”

Wow! That was powerful. This in no way happened in the books, but it is interesting that the writers decided to make Catelyn a little more sympathetic. I really felt for her after that speech. She blames herself for all the ill that came to her family.

One thing I didn’t like though was the mention of the brown eyes. Obviously, the actor has brown eyes, but in the book Jon’s eye color is part of the reason many people speculate, who his parents really are! Major spoilers at the link!

Speaking of the bastard, we move North of the Wall to Jon Snow marching with Mance Rayder.

He tells Jon how he brought the clans together.

“I told them we were all going to die if we don’t get South, because that is the truth.”

Some dude Orell is acting all funny. He is a warg, a skin changer.

Ygritte gives Jon shit.

“You’ve never met a warg?”

jon

Bitch I am a warg.

Orell saw a bunch of dead crows up at the Fist of the First Men.

We move onto Sam and the rest of the Night’s Watch. They are still marching back to the wall and Sam isn’t doing too well. He can barely walk and one of his brothers is talking shit.

“Why don’t you lie down and rest for a while. You know you want to.”

Fortunately, a few of Sam’s (kind of) friends come help him up. He doesn’t want help. He resents them for leaving him back with the White Walkers.

“Your fat and your slow and we didn’t want to die.”

Joer Mormont intervenes.

“Tarly, I forbid you to die.”

Shit Joer, I didn’t know you cared. Wait, in the Night’s watch they forbid you to take any lands, they forbid you to fuck and they forbid you to die? What they hell are you supposed to do all day?

We head back to Bran in the forest. His wolf Summer knows something is up. Osha heads off to check it out and Jojen Reed, the boy from his dream in the opening of the episode appears. Osha gets the drop on him, but Jojen’s sister, Meera drops in on her. Jojen holds out his hand and the wolf likes him all of a sudden.

Jojen

“I know shit.”

Jojen seems to know a lot about Bran. He has been looking for him.

Arya, Gendry and Hot Pie are walking and Gendry is trying to figure out why Arya didn’t pick some higher profile people for Jaquan to kill.

“You could have ended the war.” – Gendry

A group of people are on the road and they are singing the Rains of Castamere. (I thought this was weird because it is a Lannister song, and these people are so not Lannisters.) They are spotted and Arya hops out. She starts acting all tough.

“Leave us be and I won’t kill you.”

This group of travelers is the Brotherhood Without Banners, the group that have been causing trouble for Tywin Lannister.

The leader is Thoros of Myr. He’s a red priest like Melisandre, but we aren’t told this on screen yet. He wants to learn more about them over dinner. Fat Pie doesn’t want to go but he is forced to when the bowman shoots an area in his general vicinity.

“Here’s the thing fat boy. When I’m done talking, that arrow is falling down on your fat head. So, I advise you move because I’m done talking.”

They then continue to make fun of his obesity.

“Half the country is starving and look at this one.”

“Maybe he is the reason half the country is starving.”

Fat Pie

“Come on guys, if I was skinny you couldn’t call me Fat Pie!”

Back in King’s Landing, Shae is in Tyrion’s bed chamber (Dinklage!!!). Tyrion is annoyed that Shae is showing up in his room. He doesn’t want his dad to know he is still bedding hos.

Shae is worried about Sansa and finds out Tyrion banged out Ros.

“Twice.”

Then, Tyrion slips up and lets Shae know he thinks Sansa is dope. She thinks he is a little perv. He kind of is.

Impin' aint easy

“What can I say, booze and women are my mainstay.”

After that talk, they start hooking up and she puts her lips around his lion.

Margaery stops in the see Joffrey. He is playing with his new crossbow. He presses her about Renly and she plays her way out of it. “I’ve considered making his perversion punishable by death.”

Apparently there is even gay bashing in Westeros.

She then turns things to the crossbow. This gets Joffrey all excited. He is a psychopath. He gets turned on by the thought of her killing something.

Back to Theon getting tortured. He captor is asking him why he took Winterfell. Theon tells him the truth, but he keeps torturing Theon anyway.

When the group leaves, one of the workers tells Theon his sister sent him to help Greyjoy escape.

This scene actually makes me feel bad for Theon.

Bran and his new friends are walking, and Jojen tells Bran about his warg ability and the three-eyed raven.

“The raven brings the sight.”

Jojen also has the sight. Jojen’s dad saved Bran’s dad. They were boys apparently.

We cut to a tavern and Thoros is trying to get Arya to drink.

“We’re not children.”

She lies about their escape from Harrenhal.

“Gendry’s a smith. He was apprentice in the armory…Gendry stole us weapons. He knows how to use a sword and so do I.”

Like a proper fool she pulls her sword on Thoros. In one move he disarms her. What the fuck was she doing?

Thoros lets the trio go, but just as they are about to head out, the rest of the Brotherhood brings in the Hound. They found him passed out drunk and captured him.

The Hound and Thoros know each other. I know I’m not supposed to like the Hound, but I love how he talks.

the hound

“Thoros? The fuck you doing here?”

“What in seven hells are you doing with a Stark bitch.”

I didn’t even have to make those up! He is just the best.

Back to the Jaime and Brienne roadshow! They need to cross the river, but they don’t know if they should go over the bridge and risk being seen, or if they should swim.

“It’s a tough decision. Take the bridge and risk being seen…Cross by water and the current could take us or I could escape down the river.”

She elects to have them take the bridge. Jaime starts acting up and just plops down on the bridge.

“I never used to get corns…”

She tries to pick him up and he grabs her sword.

“I never understood the need for some knights to carry two swords.”

It is on.

“You move well, for a great beast of a woman.”

Brienne holds her own, but Jaime mocks her anyway.

“You shouldn’t grimace before you lunge. It gives away the game.”

He points out that she really can’t hurt him without hurting herself.

“If you kill me you fail Lady Stark, but if you don’t kill me, I’m going to kill you.”

They battle back and forth and Brienne ends up getting the better of the Kingslayer. They didn’t do a good enough job showing what a good swordsman Jaime is supposed to be. In the book he stabs her in the leg and the end up in the river where his chains restrict his movement and Brienne ends up almost drowning him.

A group of men come rolling up the road. It is the flayed men of House Bolton. The man they didn’t kill, did in fact know who Jaime was, and ratted them out.

The leader of the group is a guy named Locke. He is not in the book. In the book Jaime and Brienne are taken by a group called the Brave Companions and they are led by Vargo Hoat, (major spoilers at the link!) who was a great foil to Jaime.

Jaime tries to weasel his way out but Locke isn’t having it.

“I’d rather he takes your (head).”

It looks as if the roadshow has concluded as we cut to black.

Oh and HBO renewed the show! It was a definite, but it is still good news!

See you next week!