Game of Thrones Season 3 – Episode 8 – Second Sons

Game of Thrones Season 3 – Episode 8 – Second Sons

Overall Thoughts: While I expected more in this episode after the plodding of the last two episodes in terms of story movement, I thoroughly enjoyed the first part of Wedding Season in Westeros. Peter Dinklage pulled off a perfect drunken Tyrion. Sophie Turner put together her best performance to date, it was good to see Davos again, and it was so, so good to see Daenerys (naked) again. Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

Grade: B

We open with a rock. Not the Rock, but a rock. A rather sizable rock. Probably considered a cobble. Arya is going to use said cobble to bash Clegane’s head in.

The Hound notices what the wolf bitch is up to and gives her an offer:

“I’ll give you one try girl. Kill me and you’re free, but if you live, I’ll break both your hands. Go on hit me. Hit me hard.”

We cut to Arya on a horse with the Hound. The Hound tells Arya about how he saved Sansa.

“Ask her, who came back for her when the mob had her on her back. They would have taken her every which way, left her there with her throat cut open.”

Silly Arya thinks that the Red Fork is the Blackwater. The Hound informs her that he is going to take her to her Uncle Edmure’s wedding.

“The whole country side is yapping about it.”

It will be a wedding no one will forget.

Over in Yunkai, Dany and the two advisors are checking out the Second Sons. They are group of sellswords (mercenaries) led by a man called the Titan’s bastard.

Dany plans on converting them. She believes that they will switch sides because if they lose to a girl it would be bad for their reputation. This logic doesn’t make a ton of sense to me, but whatever.

They have a sit down and the Titan’s Bastard, some dude I forget and Daario Naharis show up. The Titan’s Bastard is a vulgar dude. If there was a dirtiest mouth in Westeros list, he would be in the top five.

Here is a list of his greatest hits followed by the rating.

“I swear I fucked you once at a pleasure house in Lys.” – 3 Stars

“She liked my ass like she was born to do it.” – 4.5 Stars

“Take your clothes off and come and sit on Mero’s lap.” – 2 Stars

*Sniffs Missandei* – 3 Stars

“Show me your cunt, let me see if it is worth fighting for.” – 4 Stars

“The Second Sons share everything, after the battle maybe we will share you.” 4 Stars

“I’ll come looking for you when this is over. *Slaps Missandei on theass* – 4.5 Stars

Wow he is a bastard!

We jump to Dragonstone, and Melisandre and Gendry are arriving on shore. God that was fast. Didn’t I talk about how quick she found the Brothers Without Banners a few weeks ago? Why is she the only one that can cover great distances quickly? It must be a red priest drink.

Stannis has a good look at Gendry. They send him to the chambers for a bath and fitting, and Stannis wonders why Melisandre doesn’t dispense with all formalities and kill the little shit already. Apparently, she has a plan.

“Have you ever slaughtered a lamb my King?…If the lamb sees the knife she panics. Her panic seeps into her meat darkens it, fouls the flavor.”

Gross.

Meanwhile in the dungeon, Davos is re-e-e-adin-gggg. T-T-T-Today JUNIOR!

Stannis comes to visit him and they debate the difference between kill and sacrifice.

Davos is Pro-Life for Gendry, while Stannis is Pro-Choice Gendry.

“What’s one bastard boy against a Kingdom.” – Stannis

Damn, Stannis is cold.

Davos doesn’t buy that reasoning. Davos knows that Stannis knows that Davos will try to talk Stannis out of sacrificing Gendry because Davos knows that Stannis knows Stannis doesn’t slaughter innocents. Or something like that.

The move the conversation into a religious debate. Davos represents the atheists. Stannis represents the born agains. They are touching on all kinds of touchy subjects tonight.

“I think mothers and fathers made up the gods because they wanted their children to sleep through the night.” – Davos

Point Davos.

“I saw a vision in the flames.  A great battle in the snow. I saw it…and you saw whatever she gave birth to. I never believed, but when you see the truth, when it is right there in front of you as real as these iron bars, how can you deny her god is real?”

Point Stannis.

I’m calling it a draw for now.

We head back to Yunkai and it is time for the Titan’s Bastard’s greatest hits volume 2.

“She won’t talk so much when she is chocking on my cock.” – 4 Stars

“My cock will find a way. Tell him. Is there any place that my cock can’t reach?” – 5 Stars

“Daario Naharis the whore who doesn’t like whores.” – 2 Stars

“She sells her cheeks and you sell your blade. What is the difference?” – 2.5 Stars

“No peeking.” *Kisses the whore on the ass* *Slaps the whore on the ass* – 3 Stars

They play a game of chance to see who has to kill Dany. Three coins passed out by the whore to the three “captains.” I didn’t get game. She can’t feel the difference of the coins? He explains which coin is which, so really she could determine which coin goes to which person right? Whatever, doesn’t matter.

Down in King’s Landing, Tyrion shows up at Sansa’s door. He sorta tells Sansa that he thinks she is hot in front of Shea. It is awkward. He has Pod take Shea out of the room. It is awkward some more.

Peter Dinklage does a great job portraying the awkwardness.

“You won’t be a prisoner after today. You will be my wife. I suppose that is a different kind of prison.”

“You’re right I have no idea how you feel.”

Oh Tyrion, none of us get how women think.

Tyrion asks Sansa if she drinks, to which she replies, “When I have to.”

He tells her, “well today you have to.” Which is practically Tyrion’s motto.

At the Great Sept of Baelor (the wedding chapel), Margaery is trying to suck up to Cersei, who tells her about the Rains of Castamere. Basically, there is some correlation between the family in the story, the Reyne’s and Tyrell’s. Both of the houses were number 2 when the wanted to be number 1! House Reyne rebelled and Tywin handled it.

“Gone, a gentle word. I’d saw slaughtered. Every man, woman and child put to the sword.”

After story time, Cersei threatens Margaery.

“If you every call me sister again, I’ll have you strangled in your sleep.”

I didn’t like this line. It is way too direct of a threat for Cersei. The delivery was great, but she is much more subtle in her scheming.

It is wedding time and Joffrey torments Sansa once again, by walking her down the aisle. What a sweet guy.

Joffrey

“I’m still the worst!”

Once the reach the top of the steps, Joffrey removes a step ladder that happens to be sitting there. Why you ask? Because Tyrion has to cloak the bride and Sansa is waaay to tall for him to pull that off. People are snickering at him and Tyrion is not amused. Neither is Tywin for the matter. Sansa kneels to help him out.

We jump back to Dragonstone and Melisandre is showing Gendry what real wealth looks like. They both share that they didn’t eat well growing up. She starts getting him drunk and then starts…putting the moves on him? I guess she has to sacrifice that ass to sacrifice his ass.

“This doesn’t seem very religious.” – Gendry

He is 100% correct on this, and on that note, where can I sign up for the Lord of Light? Who wouldn’t enjoy that service?

She makes the move and starts to ride him. Then she starts to tie him up. Kinky.

Things turn from Kinky to torturous.  She straps his feet and the poor bastard (pun intended) never knew what hit him. She pulls three leeches out of a box and puts them on his chest, stomach and COCK!

“Not there, not there!”

Damn right not there!

What is up with all the torture porn. First Theon, now Gendry.

Stannis and Davos walk in on this fucked up sex session, and then Mel pulls the leeches off with tweezers. How kind.

Stannis then names three people to die.

Robb Stark.

Balon Greyjoy.

Joffrey Baretheon.

With apologizes to Robb, two outta three ain’t bad.

It is party time in King’s Landing as well and Tyrion is looking drank. Lady Olenna is trying to figure out who will be whose uncle, brother-in-law and/or nephew/grandson.

Tywin notices Tyrion’s inebriation and scolds him.

“Your wife needs a child. A Lannister child. As soon as possible.”

Tyrion reminds daddy that he is good at two things specifically:

“Drinking and lust. No man can match me in these things.”

We then get a God of Tits and Wine call back from his conversation with Varys in season 2.

“I am the god of tits and wine. I shall build a shrine to myself at the next brothel I visit.”

All worship at the thrine of Tyrion or GOTAW!

Up in the balcony area, Loras tries to strick up a convo with Cersei, but she don’t give a fuck! She gives him the cold, cold shoulder. No wonder the dude likes dudes.

Back where most of the guests are hanging out, Joffrey corners Sansa and torments her some more.

“Maybe I’ll pay you a visit tonight after my uncle passes out.”

I didn’t know he liked girls.

Joffrey tries to get the bedding ceremony going. For those of you who don’t know, a bedding ceremony is where they rip all off the clothes of the bride and groom. The ladies carry the groom up to the bedroom and the men carry the bride up to the bedroom all while making inappropriate comments. This could be one Westerosi ceremony that I would like to check out.

Tyrion doesn’t want a bedding ceremony to go down and let’s Joffrey know it.

“You’ll be fucking your own bride with a wooden cock.”

Tywin dispenses with the bedding, and implies that Tyrion should apologize, which he sort of does through self-deprecation.

“A bad joke your grace, made out of envy of you own royal man hood. Mine is so small. My poor wife won’t even know I’m there.”

HA! Emmy for Dinklage!

Tywin points out that the half man is half drunk, or more likely whole drunk.

“Your uncle is clearly drunk your grace.” – Tywin

Tyrion admits he is and continues his Emmy performance.

“I am…guilty, but it is my wedding night. My tiny drunk cock and I have a job to do. Come wife. I vomited on a girl once in the middle of the act. Not proud of it, but I think honestly is important between a man and wife. Don’t’ you agree? Come I’ll tell you all about it, put you in the mood!”

HAHA!

Back in the bedroom, Tyrion gets a touch more serious.

“Astoundingly long…neck, you have one.”

He is talking like Yoda. We find out that Sansa is only 14! Damn!

Tyrion gets a lot more serious.

“My lord father has commanded me to consummate this marriage.”

After that news, Sansa drinks some wine!

OUCH!

She starts to take off her clothes and Tyrion watches for a moment. Then, he tells her to stop. The way he was half watching reminded me of his scene with Bronn. Where Bronn tells him something like, “you want to fuck the Stark girl, you just don’t want to admit it.”

Tyrion gets way more serious.

“I could. I won’t. If my father wants someone to get fucked I know where he can start. I won’t share your bed. Not until you want me to.”

Sansa wonders, “What if I never want you to?”

Tyrion replies, “and so my watch begins.”

Yes, another callback, this time to Season 1 and his Night’s Watch visit. The writer’s are on point with Tyrion’s dialogue tonight.

Tyrion heads over to the “couch” and passes out, hard.

We jump to Yunkai again and Dany is taking a bath talking to Missandei about languages.

Daario dressed as an unsullied is here to claim his prize.

“Don’t scream lively girl.” – Daario

He kind of talks like Jaqen H’ghar, the super assassin from Season 2, which is interesting because there are some theories out there that Daario is Jaqen. Personally, I don’t buy that theory, but it is interesting nonetheless.

He drops two heads on the floor, one belonging to some guy I don’t remember and the other belonging to THE TITAN’S BASTARD! No!!!! I guess we will never get that third greatest hits album after all.

Daario professes to be a self motivator.

“I only do what I want to do…I am Daario Naharis, I always have  choice.”

Dany stands up out of the tub to address him. I’m sure Daario enjoyed that, I sure did.

She makes him swear his allegiance, and he obliges.

We head back to King’s Landing, and Shea shows up at Tyrion and Sansa’s pad with breakfast and discovers that Tyrion didn’t sleep with Sansa. She is sooooo Happy!

North of the wall for the first time this episode, Sam, Gilly and the babe look for some shelter in the night. They find and old shack and as they head in, a raven shows up. Then another one.

Inside the shanty, Sam can’t start a fire, and Gilly invites him under the furs.

Sam

Which furs m’lady?

He jumps at that. They flirt back and forth and debate a wink and a blink and difference there in.

“A wink is on purpose.” – Gilly

Next they discuss boys names. Last names and first names. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Is this heading somewhere?

More ravens start showing up. Ut oh, a bad omen. This is heading somewhere!

Sam heads out to take a look.

There are now birds everywhere. Alfred would be proud.

The birds go quiet. Something has arrived. It is a white walker! Oh FUCKKKKK!

Sam man’s the fuck up and tries to fight it. The walker grabs Sam’s sword casts frost blot and freezes that mother fucker. Then sends Sam flying.

As the walker heads toward the babe, Sam pulls out the Dragonglass blade and stabs the thing in the back. It collapses and Sam runs off without the BLADE followed by all of the ravens!

Even though it is a holiday weekend, if you aren’t too hammered (I might be) be sure to tune in for Episode 9, it is going to be crazy good!

Edit, Episode 9 doesn’t run until June 2nd! Thanks Trav!

Game of Thrones – Season 3 – Episode 7 – The Bear and the Maiden Fair

Season 3 – Episode 7 – The Bear and the Maiden Fair

Overall Thoughts: This was another episode where not much really happened. I enjoyed the Tywin and Joffrey throne room scene and the titular fight with the bear, but other than that, this episode felt like it was missing something. It had no balls, just like Theon! (Cheap joke I know.) GRRM wrote the episode and while I enjoyed the relationships that it explored, I have to say it was probably the worst of the season in terms of events actually happening, but it also did have the most sex talk!

Grade: B-

Before the opening credits we get an N for Nudity! Wooo hooo. It has been too long.

Yunkai is in the title sequence now.

We open and Jon and Ygritte are still walking toward Castle Black. She wants discuss battle tactics that she finds silly. These include banners, bannermen, drums, drummer boys.

Apparently, the drumming is all about the rhythm according to Jon. Ygritte thinks it is all right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot.

“You know nothing, Jon Snow,” Ygritte points out about six times this episode. You could tell GRRM really likes that statement.

Orell starts giving Jon lip and Jon gives it to him right back,

“And now you are going to share it with me, the deep wisdom you found inside the head of a bird.”

Orell

“J + Y = Stupid.”

Robb Stark and company are getting rained on and it is causing them to be late for Edmure’s wedding! As I said last week, it is definitely wedding season is Westeros.

Blackfish thinks Walder Frey is wet shit. Well then. He apologizes to Talisa for saying wet shit in her presence, but she isn’t afraid of wet shit either. Robb states that Edmure is the best match in the history of House Frey. Well fuck, I feel bad for them!

Robb sends everyone packing and then he starts getting it in with wifey. I was hoping the nudity would not be used up on mid shots of Robb’s ass, but I guess that is how it goes. After round 1 is over Robb is easily distracted.

“If you don’t put some clothes on I can’t promise I won’t attack you again.”

“How am I supposed to sit here planning a war when you are over there looking like that?”

Talisa is writing a note to her mom, she is going to tell her that she is preggo. This is the first Robb is hearing of it as well. He jumps her bones again.

We jump back to Jon, and Tormund is telling him about how most men fuck. I told you this episode is full of sex talk. GRRM is a bit of a perv, me thinks.

“Most men fuck like dogs. Arf, Arf, Arf, Arf. No grace. No skill. Two dozen thrusts and done. You need to be patient. Give her time. Your cock shouldn’t go near until it is slick as a baby seal, and then you go inside, but slowly. Don’t jam it in like you are spearing a pig.”

Could that have been the best monologue ever?!? Top three for sure!

Orell starts making a move on Ygritte. What a fuck head. He needs to die.

We do find out that Ygritte loves Jon. AWWWWW!

Cave

“J + Y = Love.”

“You won’t love him so much when you find out what he really is.” – Orell

In King’s Landing, Sansa is crying AKA a normal day for Sansa Stark.

Sansa

“I’m stewpid.”

Yes, we know. You continue to be the worst.

The only plus of this scene is that we get a lot of Margaery.

Sansa is upset she has to marry the imp, and Margaery wants her to look at the bright side of things.

“Far from the worst Lannister wouldn’t you say?…Your son if I’m not mistaken, might be the lord to Casterly Rock and the North some day.”

The notion of a son reminds Sansa that her and the half man are going to have to get it on.

Marge thinks Tyrion is good looking. The talk then turns to this episodes theme, sex.

“So many of us get to try so little before we are old and grey…Pleasing us takes practice.”

Margaery you minx!

Tyrion and Bronn continue the sex talk, and Bronn continues to be the best.

“Shea is a whore. Are you gonna marry her eh?”

“Wed one, bed the other…You’ll have two women and a whole Kingdom of your own.”

“You waste time trying to get people to love ya, you’ll end up the most popular dead man in town.”

“You want to fuck that Stark girl. You just don’t want to admit it.”

Four spectacular lines from Bronn in a row! The writers love them some Bronn.

Tyrion is slightly annoyed by this.

“I don’t pay you to put evil notions in my head. The one’s already in there don’t need company.”

Bronn’s response,

“You pay me to kill people who bother ya. The evil notions come free.”

Yes!

Next up we head to the throne room and Tywin visits Joffrey after being summoned. Joffrey feels like he is being left out of the Small Council meetings. He doesn’t come because he doesn’t want to walk up all of the stairs to the Tower of the Hand. Also a great website!

Tywin shows a great level of disgust/duty with his next few lines.

“The Tower of the Hand is where I work, the walk from there to here would take time, time I could otherwise spend productively.”

“We could arrange to have you carried.”

Joff wants to change the subject, he wants to know about Dany and the Dragons. He thinks they should do something about her, but frankly, Tywin doesn’t give a shit about Dany right now, and he feels this meeting was a waste of his time.

Tywin

“Quit wasting my time youngin’.”

Tywin drops the mic and walks out, and did I notice a slight smile on Tywin’s face as he descended the stairs? I think I did!

Across the Narrow sea, Jorah wants Dany to skip past Yunkai, but she wants to free the 200,000 slaves inside the city, so she calls for a meeting.

Razdar Mo Muhammed (I have no clue what is name actually is) comes rolling up the hill in his slave powered carriage and takes a seat in Dany’s tent.

The dragons are just hanging out, and Razdar is looking kind of shook, but he starts out strong.

“Ancient and glorious is Yunkai. Our empire was old before dragons stirred in old Volantis.”

“If blood is your desire, blood shall flow.”

Translation: Razdar don’t give a fuck.

He gives Dany a present, a few chests of gold and as many ships as she needs. He wants to send her to Westeros and away from Yunkai. She offers him a gift as well, his life. How kind Khaleesi.

“You will release every slave in Yunkai. Every man woman and child shall be given as much food, clothing, and property they can carry as payment for their years of servitude. Reject this gift and I shall show you no mercy.”

DAAAMN! Dany is such a bigger bad ass in the show than I remember in the books.

Razdar gets all scared.

“You swore me safe conduct.”

“I did, but my dragons made no promises and you threatened their mother.” – Dany

The slaver wants the gold back, but Drogon ain’t having that. He swoops down and squaks/roars at the slaver’s crew.

“My gold, you gave it to me remember? And I shall put it to good use. You’d be wise to do the same with my gift to you. Now get out.”

Barristan reminds her that the Yunkai are no push overs, they won’t bend easily.

“And what happens to things that don’t bend.”

(I was standing up cheering in my living room at this point.)

If Tywin dropped the mic, Dany just spiked that mother fucker.

Dany Tough

“You don’t have to go home, but you’ve got to get the hell up outta here.”

With all this talk about presents, Tyrion doesn’t want to be left out. He gives two chains (2 Chainz?) to Shea, so she won’t be mad at him. It doesn’t work.

Tyrion offers to buy her a nice place to stay in the city and even offers to provide for any children they may have. This doesn’t work either.

Tyrion tells her, “You will always be my lady.”

She feels differently about the situation.

“I’m your whore and when you are tired of fucking me, I will be nothing.”

He should have tried singing to her. You’ll always be a part of me….

From there we have this awesome over the top shot of a boat. What boat is this? Oh, it is Melisandre and Gendry headed to Dragonstone. I think that is where they are heading anyway.

Gendry finds it awkward that he is back where he started. Melisandre tells him that he is a bastard, but his pops is Robert Baratheon.

“There is power in a king’s blood.”

Yup, he is definitely taking the place of Edric Storm.

Arya is hanging out in the cave still and she still pissed at Beric and Thoros for sending Gendry away with the red woman.

Beric says it was because R’hllor said so. Isn’t it funny that no one has said the name R’hllor yet? It is always the Lord of Light.

Arya doesn’t follow the red god, she is into death. This is an early development for her considering in the books she has already killed several people by now. So far in the show verse she has killed one, I believe.

The bowman rushes in. He has spotted a Lannister raiding party and the crew is going after them, but they promised Arya they would go to Riverrun. She flips out and bolts. They chase her into the woods, but they can’t find her. The Hound does though! Oh boy! More screen time for the Hound! How exciting!

“Kick all you want wolf girl, won’t do you no good.”

the hound

“Who found the Stark bitch? I found the Stark bitch!”

At Harrenhal, Jaime tells Brienne they must part. She has to stay and he has to go. He feels like he owes her though.

“You gave your word. Keep it and consider the debt paid.” – Brienne

“I will return the Stark girls to their mother. I swear it.”

Jaime heads off towards King’s Landing with Maester Qyburn and a small party.

Jaime parts with these words that SPOILER will come back to bite him in the ass.

“Tell Robb Stark, I’m sorry I couldn’t make his uncle’s wedding. The Lannister’s send their regards.”

Worst plot line alert!!!!!!!!!!! It is Theon. He is being unstrapped by two fine ass women. I predicted a loss was coming as soon as I saw them.

Apparently, religious girls in Westeros are also sexually repressed.

“Miranda knows what she is doing. She trained as a septa, only she had other urges.”

The move onto the topic of Theon’s manhood.

“Everybody talks about it.”

Who does? I have never once heard it mentioned.

If you didn’t think there was enough sex talk here comes some more.

They start stripping and riding him and just when he starts to get into it, the torturer shows up blowing his horn and cock blocking. Not only is this dude a piece of shit, he is a cock block as well.

Ramsay

World class cock block.

He talks about Theon’s magic cock as well. I thought Podrick had the magic stick?

“Well shouldn’t we see this cock everyone is always going on about. Everyone knows you love girls, and you always thought they loved you back. Your famous cock must be very precious to you. Would you say it is your most precious part.”

This can’t end well.

Now torturer guy is going to cut Theon’s cock off. It sucks to be Theon.

Theon begs for mercy.

“I’m not killing you, just making a few alterations.”

I think I would probably rather die as well.

We move back to Jon and Ygritte, who are getting a ton of screen time this episode. They are still walking to Castle Black. Ygritte spots a windmill and thinks it is a palace.

She doesn’t know what swooning is either. They start flirting and Jon mentions how he would like Ygritte to wear a pretty dress.

“I’d like to see you in a silk dress…so I could tear it off you.” – Jon Snow

“You rip my pretty silk dress, I’ll blacken your eye.” – Ygritte

HAHAHA! Yes! She is awesome.

The conversation turns solemn for a moment.

“The wildlings have attacked the kingdoms six times, and failed six times.” – Jon Snow

Jon thinks this attempt will end poorly as well.

“You don’t have the discipline. You don’t have the training. You don’t know how to fight together…If you attack the wall you’ll die. All of you.” – Jon

“All of us.” – Ygritte

Then she comes up and kisses him out of nowhere.

“You are mine and I am yours. If we die, we die, but first we’ll live.”

In another Northernish location, Osha and Hodor are setting up the tent and Osha doesn’t like how Jojen doesn’t pull his own weight. She starts telling Hodor how she feels and he just replies,” Hodor.”

HA! It knew it was coming and it was still good.

Bran tells Osha they aren’t going to Castle Black anymore, and Osha goes on a tirade.

Apparently, she had a man once, a good one, and one night he disappeared and died. He came back as a wight and almost killed her. She had to burn the hut she lived in to the ground in order to stop him. That is why she doesn’t want to go back North of the wall. I can’t say I blame her.

Jaime has made it a bit of a the way from Harrenhal and Qyburn is cleaning out his wound.

Qyburn has a weakness and it is curiosity. He did experiments on living/dying men. That is why he lost his maester’s chain.

Qyburn informs Jaime that the Lord of Tarth offered 300 gold dragons for Brienne, but Locke won’t take it because he feels he is being cheated. Locke still thinks Brienne’s father is loaded with sapphire money. Basically, Jaime’s lie that saved her is now her doom.

Our man Jaime decides to intervene though. He convinces his escort to take him back to Harrenhal and he shows up just in time to see that the soldiers are watching Brienne v. Bear.

Brienne has a wooden sword and the bear has actual teeth.

Where is Brick Tamlan when you need him.

Jaimes wants her out, but Locke doesn’t care.

“Go buy yourself a golden hand and fuck yourself with it.” – Locke

Jaime jumps into the pit and lifts Brienne out with the old jump on the back strategy. That is great, but it always leaves the second person stranded. The Bear attacks, and Jaime runs up the wall rodeo clown style! He is barely hanging on. The whole one hand thing, but Brienne pulls him out just in time.

“The Bitch stays” – Locke

“I’m taking her to King’s Landing unless you kill me.” – Jaime

There is a standoff and finally Locke concedes and decides to let the Lady of Tarth go.

Jaime drops the, “sorry about the sapphires” line and walks out.

Season 3 MVP = Jaime “the Kingslayer” Lannister!

Game of Thrones Season 3 Episode 5 – Kissed By Fire

Season 3 Episode 5 – Kissed By Fire

I apologize for missing last week. I’ve been busy.

Overall Thoughts: Last week was the best episode of the Season and featured perhaps the best episode ending of the entire series (Blackwater and the beheading of Ned would be the others). This episode didn’t disappoint either. It was very solid and had some great, great scene work. The bathhouse scene with Jaime and Brienne did not disappoint. I told you in the beginning that you would like Jaime and a lot of people are jumping on the bandwagon!  He is on the road to redemption.

Grade: A-

The show opens with Thoros giving a prayer.

“For the night is dark and full of terrors.”

He is prepping Beric for his one-on-one battle with the Hound. Thoros ignites Dondarrion’s blade and it is ON!

Beric Kissed_Fire3

Shit just got real.

They knock a bunch of shit around and Thoros has to move Arya out of the way at one point. Beric gets the upper hand and lights the Hounds’ shield on fire. The crowd starts chanting “guilty” and Arya gets into it as well. The Hound battles back and out of nowhere cleaves Beric’s shoulder in half, it had to be a death blow.

Beric Dead

“Well, that didn’t go according to plan.”

The Red Priest goes to Beric’s aid and starts praying for him. Arya goes after the Hound herself, but Gendry intervenes.

The Hound laughs and says, “I guess their god likes me more than your butcher’s boy.”

I laugh. Why did I laugh? That shit isn’t funny.

Why do I like the Hound so much? Oh, I remember.

Arya tells him to burn in hell and Beric stands up. I thought he was dead?

“He will but not today.” – Beric Dondarrion

He is alive?!? WTF?

I thought you were done for Dondarrion!

North of the Wall, Orell is all up Jon’s ass asking questions about how many Crows are at Castle Black, which castles are manned and stuff. Jon surely doesn’t appreciate the game of 20 questions.

jon questions

“What’s with all the questions, bird man?

“What happens to your eagle after I kill you? Does he drift away like a kite with the strings cut or does he just flop dead to the ground.”

Jon is finally starting to be a badass.

The true badass, Tormund Giantsbane steps in.

After things settle down, Ygritte steals Jon’s sword and runs into a cave. She starts stripping. It looks like she wants Jon’s other sword as well.

“I want you to see me. All of me.”

Cave

Oh we see you Ygritte. We see YOU!

The start making out and Jon goes South of the WALL! Wowzers!

“You know nothing Jon…OH OH!”

She then asks Jon the best question ever posed on GOT:

“That thing you did with your mouth, is that what lords do to their ladies in the south?”

Snow’s response:

“I don’t know I just wanted to kiss you there is all.”

Damn son. You a smoothie, definitely a smoothie.

We find out Jon was a virgin, or a maid.

Ygritte starts talking about all the dick she has gotten and Jon changes the subject. They hop in the water and start going at it again. Maybe she should have bathed before he went down on her! Courtesy Ygritte, courtesy!

Back in the other cave, the Hound wants his gold. They argue and set him free, but not before these parting words…

“The Lord of Light isn’t done with you yet!”

Roose Bolton is presented with the Kingslayer, Jaime Lannister.

“You’ve lost a hand.” – Roose to Jaime

roose_bolton

No shit Sherlock.

Roose frees Brienne.

Jaime asks about word from the capital and Roose makes it sound like Cersei is dead, but then pulls a just kidding! Weird. What a freak.

Jaime collapses and heads off the see the Maester Qyburn, who wants to take the whole arm, but Jaime isn’t down for that.

He don’t want no stinking Milky of the Poppy! That’s right. Jaime is no pussy bitch.

Also, this exchange is great.

“There will be pain.” – Qyburn

“I’ll scream. – Kingslayer

“Quite a bit of pain.” – Kybin

“I’ll scream loudly”

handless

He made his sister scream as well. Cheap joke, sorry.

In King’s Landing, Cersei puts Littlefinger on assignment to find out what the Tyrells are up to.

Meanwhile, Lady Olenna is meeting with Tyrion and she is her usually thorny self.

“Gods boy that’s enough we’re not in a tavern.”

“I always take figs in the afternoon. They help move the bowels.”

Gross.

Tyrion wants to cut costs for the Royal Wedding. Lady Olenna says no way, and disses Tyrion.

“I was told you were a drunk, impertinent and thoroughly divulged. You will imagine my disappointment and finding nothing but a brow beaten book keeper.”

Damn! Tyrion does need to get back to being his cheery, drunken self.

After a bit, she offers to pay for half and Tyrion is pleased.

Back to Arya, who is talking to Gendry and he informs her that he is going to stay and work for the Brotherhood. Arya argues with him for a while, but Gendry makes a good point.

“I’ve served men my entire life.”

She walks away. Arya lost another friend.

arya sad

AWWWWWWW. Tear.

At Riverrun, Rickard Karstark and company kill the little Lannister boys.

What a fuck head.

Robb is told, and he is PISSSSSSED!

His council, Edmure, Catlyn and Talisa all want him to keep Karstark as a hostage. He decides to hang them all and kill Rickard Karstark even though he will lose many, many men, about half.

“This one was only the watcher. Hang him last so he can watch the others die.”

DAAAAAMN.

“He has to die.”

It is raining outside. This scene is very similar to when Theon cut off that guys’ head in season 2. Unlike Theon, it only took one swing for Robb. He is a home run hitter.

Karstark

“Kill me and be cursed. You are no King of mine.”

What a sweet scene.

We follow the fire back to Arya, who is going through her special psycho list of people she wants to die.

Thoros is boozing, and tells Arya that they are going to ransom her. They don’t want too, but…

Thoros again

“We need the gold.”

I love Thoros.

Beric joins the party and tells Arya he has died before. What?

How many times?

“Five I think. No, this will be six.”

And you’ve been got by both the Mountain and the Hound?

“Second time I’ve been killed by a Clegane.”

Does it make you feel weird?

“Every time I come back, I’m a bit less.”

Arya wants to know if Thoros could bring back Ned, even though he is sans head.

Cantcomeback

“Sorry, sweetie, ain’t no coming back from this!”

Doesn’t work that way apparently. Good thought though!

We meet Stannis’ wife. She is big into the Lord of Light.

Apparently he keeps her locked in a tower. Melisandre has been snitching on Stannis though.

QueenSelyseBaratheon

“I know you’ve been creeping with other tricks and I don’t give a damn.”

She also has three dead babies in jars. This bitch is crazier than the rest of the crazies.

“When she told me, I wept with joy.”

“She gave you a son.”

No, she gave him a vagina monster.

Stannis wants to see his daughter, Shireen

She has some sort of shingles on her face. I think it is called greyscale in the books.

Shireen

“Hey, at least I’m better looking than Honey Boo Boo.”

She has a very pretty voice though. It looks like she is locked in a tower as well.

The girl is a real sweetheart. She wants to know if the Onion Knight is with him, and Stannis tells her the Onion Knight has been a bad boy.

“He is rotting in a dungeon cell for his crime.”

Back with Jaime and Brienne, who is naked as her name day taking a bath.

Jaime jumps in with her and Brienne is shook.

shook

“There is another tub.”

He starts prodding her about Renly again and he apologizes.

Once again Renly gets more postmortem love than he did when he was alive.

Jaime goes into the story that helped to make him my favorite character.

JLB

“I should’ve told everyone that King was cray.”

“Do you think the honorable Ned Stark wanted to hear my side? He judged me guilty the moment he sent eyes on me. By what right does the wolf judge the lion?”

He has just lived with so much hate for so long. What a powerful scene. The ending was a bit over the top, with him moaning “my name is Jaime,” but it was great nonetheless.

Back on Dragonstone, Davos is visited by Stannis’ young daughter. She wants to teach him to read. How sweet.

“This word is Aegon.”

We jump back to Essos and Jorah Mormont and Barristan are discussing Thoros and being knighted.

“All I could think off was how badly I had to piss.”

Selmy also speaks about how Robert Baratheon and Aerys were bad kings and how Dany would be a good ruler.

Speaking of, Dany tells the Unsullied they can change their names. The chosen leader Grey Worm would rather keep his name. It is his lucky name.

greyworm

“Just don’t call me Dracarys.”

“Red Flea, Black Rat. Names that remind them who they are. Vermin.”

By the way, how cool is the language they speak. It sounds awesome.

Selmy and Mormont continue to talk and Mormont is tyring to find out if Barristan knows about his betrayal.

Barristan then really pisses off Jorah, but inferring that he would make Dany look bad back in Westeros. Jorah tells him to fuck off.

In Riverrun, Robb is working on a new strategy now that the Karstarks have left him. He determines that he will attack Casterly Rock with the help of Walder Frey. Yes, the same Walder Frey that he screwed over before. Is this a good plan? Most likely some concessions will have to be made.

“I’m going to take their home away from them.”

Also, Talisa tells Robb she doesn’t even know where Winterfell is.

Wasn’t she of noble birth? They don’t teach them geography across the sea? I don’t think that adds up.

Sansa and Margaery are chilling in the garden watching Loras spar. Sansa wants to know when she will be wed to Loras. She also believes that Joffrey won’t let it happen.

Margaery thinks otherwise.

“And only one to let you go. Because it will please me.”

Marge

Every dude watching the show would like to please you.

She is awful full of herself, and I like it.

All of a sudden one of the squires is hitting on Loras and we cut to them in the bedroom trying to poke each other with fleshy spears.

“That didn’t take long.” – Littlefinger.

Which part was he referring to?

The squire was a spy for Lord Baelish, and he informs Littlefinger that Loras is engaged to be wed. That cunning bastard Littlefinger figured it out in about ten seconds.

He meets with Sansa to confirm the rumor, and Sansa all of a sudden wants to stay. Littlefinger is way to smart for that shit.

Finally, we come to the closing scene. It was fucking awesome.

Tyrion meets with Tywin and Cersei is already there wanting as well.

“Your sister has learned that your new friends the Tyrells are plotting to marry Sansa Stark to Ser Loras.”

Tyrion finds this amusing.

“Missing some of Loras’ favorite bits, but I’m sure they’ll make do.”

Tywin does not, apparently Sansa is the key to the North.

Tywin is setting up everything up for a huge bomb.

“We will find Sansa Stark a different husband.”

tywin n tyrion

TYRION!

The half-man is not down with this plan, but Tywin insists.

“The girls’ happiness is not my concern, nor should it be yours.”

“You will wed her bed her and put a child in her. Surely your capable of that.”

They debate some more and the information that Tyrion has been married before pops up.

“I was wed.”

Then Charles Dance delievers three words in such a powerful way.

Tywin strong

“Only too well.”

He says it through his teeth, and that shit seriously gave me chills.

Cersei is super excited about the developments, then Tywin flips it on her. She has to marry Loras Tyrell.

Now she is all, “Daddy, NO!”

“I’m Queen Regent, not some brood mare.”

Tywin insists again.

“You’re my daughter. You will do as I command!”

Tywin gets up and leaves the room.

“My children,” he says with disgust. “You’ve disgraced the Lannister name for far too long.”

Cut to black.

Holy FUCK! This show is even exciting when it is planning weddings! What other show can possibly say that?

 

Tyrion Mouths Off

The fellas over at guyism.com put together a wonderful video of some of the best the one liners that Tyrion Lannister (DINKLAGE!!!) spits out on Game of Thrones.

It is quite entertaining.

Some of my favorites include:

“Where is the God of Tits and Wine?”

“In my own bed at the age of 80, with a belly full of wine and a girls’ mouth around my cock.”

“You should taste her fish pie.”

“I made the bald man cry!”

For more Dinklage, you can also check out this interview he did for Playboy Magazine.