Game of Thrones – Season 3 – Episode 7 – The Bear and the Maiden Fair

Season 3 – Episode 7 – The Bear and the Maiden Fair

Overall Thoughts: This was another episode where not much really happened. I enjoyed the Tywin and Joffrey throne room scene and the titular fight with the bear, but other than that, this episode felt like it was missing something. It had no balls, just like Theon! (Cheap joke I know.) GRRM wrote the episode and while I enjoyed the relationships that it explored, I have to say it was probably the worst of the season in terms of events actually happening, but it also did have the most sex talk!

Grade: B-

Before the opening credits we get an N for Nudity! Wooo hooo. It has been too long.

Yunkai is in the title sequence now.

We open and Jon and Ygritte are still walking toward Castle Black. She wants discuss battle tactics that she finds silly. These include banners, bannermen, drums, drummer boys.

Apparently, the drumming is all about the rhythm according to Jon. Ygritte thinks it is all right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot.

“You know nothing, Jon Snow,” Ygritte points out about six times this episode. You could tell GRRM really likes that statement.

Orell starts giving Jon lip and Jon gives it to him right back,

“And now you are going to share it with me, the deep wisdom you found inside the head of a bird.”

Orell

“J + Y = Stupid.”

Robb Stark and company are getting rained on and it is causing them to be late for Edmure’s wedding! As I said last week, it is definitely wedding season is Westeros.

Blackfish thinks Walder Frey is wet shit. Well then. He apologizes to Talisa for saying wet shit in her presence, but she isn’t afraid of wet shit either. Robb states that Edmure is the best match in the history of House Frey. Well fuck, I feel bad for them!

Robb sends everyone packing and then he starts getting it in with wifey. I was hoping the nudity would not be used up on mid shots of Robb’s ass, but I guess that is how it goes. After round 1 is over Robb is easily distracted.

“If you don’t put some clothes on I can’t promise I won’t attack you again.”

“How am I supposed to sit here planning a war when you are over there looking like that?”

Talisa is writing a note to her mom, she is going to tell her that she is preggo. This is the first Robb is hearing of it as well. He jumps her bones again.

We jump back to Jon, and Tormund is telling him about how most men fuck. I told you this episode is full of sex talk. GRRM is a bit of a perv, me thinks.

“Most men fuck like dogs. Arf, Arf, Arf, Arf. No grace. No skill. Two dozen thrusts and done. You need to be patient. Give her time. Your cock shouldn’t go near until it is slick as a baby seal, and then you go inside, but slowly. Don’t jam it in like you are spearing a pig.”

Could that have been the best monologue ever?!? Top three for sure!

Orell starts making a move on Ygritte. What a fuck head. He needs to die.

We do find out that Ygritte loves Jon. AWWWWW!

Cave

“J + Y = Love.”

“You won’t love him so much when you find out what he really is.” – Orell

In King’s Landing, Sansa is crying AKA a normal day for Sansa Stark.

Sansa

“I’m stewpid.”

Yes, we know. You continue to be the worst.

The only plus of this scene is that we get a lot of Margaery.

Sansa is upset she has to marry the imp, and Margaery wants her to look at the bright side of things.

“Far from the worst Lannister wouldn’t you say?…Your son if I’m not mistaken, might be the lord to Casterly Rock and the North some day.”

The notion of a son reminds Sansa that her and the half man are going to have to get it on.

Marge thinks Tyrion is good looking. The talk then turns to this episodes theme, sex.

“So many of us get to try so little before we are old and grey…Pleasing us takes practice.”

Margaery you minx!

Tyrion and Bronn continue the sex talk, and Bronn continues to be the best.

“Shea is a whore. Are you gonna marry her eh?”

“Wed one, bed the other…You’ll have two women and a whole Kingdom of your own.”

“You waste time trying to get people to love ya, you’ll end up the most popular dead man in town.”

“You want to fuck that Stark girl. You just don’t want to admit it.”

Four spectacular lines from Bronn in a row! The writers love them some Bronn.

Tyrion is slightly annoyed by this.

“I don’t pay you to put evil notions in my head. The one’s already in there don’t need company.”

Bronn’s response,

“You pay me to kill people who bother ya. The evil notions come free.”

Yes!

Next up we head to the throne room and Tywin visits Joffrey after being summoned. Joffrey feels like he is being left out of the Small Council meetings. He doesn’t come because he doesn’t want to walk up all of the stairs to the Tower of the Hand. Also a great website!

Tywin shows a great level of disgust/duty with his next few lines.

“The Tower of the Hand is where I work, the walk from there to here would take time, time I could otherwise spend productively.”

“We could arrange to have you carried.”

Joff wants to change the subject, he wants to know about Dany and the Dragons. He thinks they should do something about her, but frankly, Tywin doesn’t give a shit about Dany right now, and he feels this meeting was a waste of his time.

Tywin

“Quit wasting my time youngin’.”

Tywin drops the mic and walks out, and did I notice a slight smile on Tywin’s face as he descended the stairs? I think I did!

Across the Narrow sea, Jorah wants Dany to skip past Yunkai, but she wants to free the 200,000 slaves inside the city, so she calls for a meeting.

Razdar Mo Muhammed (I have no clue what is name actually is) comes rolling up the hill in his slave powered carriage and takes a seat in Dany’s tent.

The dragons are just hanging out, and Razdar is looking kind of shook, but he starts out strong.

“Ancient and glorious is Yunkai. Our empire was old before dragons stirred in old Volantis.”

“If blood is your desire, blood shall flow.”

Translation: Razdar don’t give a fuck.

He gives Dany a present, a few chests of gold and as many ships as she needs. He wants to send her to Westeros and away from Yunkai. She offers him a gift as well, his life. How kind Khaleesi.

“You will release every slave in Yunkai. Every man woman and child shall be given as much food, clothing, and property they can carry as payment for their years of servitude. Reject this gift and I shall show you no mercy.”

DAAAMN! Dany is such a bigger bad ass in the show than I remember in the books.

Razdar gets all scared.

“You swore me safe conduct.”

“I did, but my dragons made no promises and you threatened their mother.” – Dany

The slaver wants the gold back, but Drogon ain’t having that. He swoops down and squaks/roars at the slaver’s crew.

“My gold, you gave it to me remember? And I shall put it to good use. You’d be wise to do the same with my gift to you. Now get out.”

Barristan reminds her that the Yunkai are no push overs, they won’t bend easily.

“And what happens to things that don’t bend.”

(I was standing up cheering in my living room at this point.)

If Tywin dropped the mic, Dany just spiked that mother fucker.

Dany Tough

“You don’t have to go home, but you’ve got to get the hell up outta here.”

With all this talk about presents, Tyrion doesn’t want to be left out. He gives two chains (2 Chainz?) to Shea, so she won’t be mad at him. It doesn’t work.

Tyrion offers to buy her a nice place to stay in the city and even offers to provide for any children they may have. This doesn’t work either.

Tyrion tells her, “You will always be my lady.”

She feels differently about the situation.

“I’m your whore and when you are tired of fucking me, I will be nothing.”

He should have tried singing to her. You’ll always be a part of me….

From there we have this awesome over the top shot of a boat. What boat is this? Oh, it is Melisandre and Gendry headed to Dragonstone. I think that is where they are heading anyway.

Gendry finds it awkward that he is back where he started. Melisandre tells him that he is a bastard, but his pops is Robert Baratheon.

“There is power in a king’s blood.”

Yup, he is definitely taking the place of Edric Storm.

Arya is hanging out in the cave still and she still pissed at Beric and Thoros for sending Gendry away with the red woman.

Beric says it was because R’hllor said so. Isn’t it funny that no one has said the name R’hllor yet? It is always the Lord of Light.

Arya doesn’t follow the red god, she is into death. This is an early development for her considering in the books she has already killed several people by now. So far in the show verse she has killed one, I believe.

The bowman rushes in. He has spotted a Lannister raiding party and the crew is going after them, but they promised Arya they would go to Riverrun. She flips out and bolts. They chase her into the woods, but they can’t find her. The Hound does though! Oh boy! More screen time for the Hound! How exciting!

“Kick all you want wolf girl, won’t do you no good.”

the hound

“Who found the Stark bitch? I found the Stark bitch!”

At Harrenhal, Jaime tells Brienne they must part. She has to stay and he has to go. He feels like he owes her though.

“You gave your word. Keep it and consider the debt paid.” – Brienne

“I will return the Stark girls to their mother. I swear it.”

Jaime heads off towards King’s Landing with Maester Qyburn and a small party.

Jaime parts with these words that SPOILER will come back to bite him in the ass.

“Tell Robb Stark, I’m sorry I couldn’t make his uncle’s wedding. The Lannister’s send their regards.”

Worst plot line alert!!!!!!!!!!! It is Theon. He is being unstrapped by two fine ass women. I predicted a loss was coming as soon as I saw them.

Apparently, religious girls in Westeros are also sexually repressed.

“Miranda knows what she is doing. She trained as a septa, only she had other urges.”

The move onto the topic of Theon’s manhood.

“Everybody talks about it.”

Who does? I have never once heard it mentioned.

If you didn’t think there was enough sex talk here comes some more.

They start stripping and riding him and just when he starts to get into it, the torturer shows up blowing his horn and cock blocking. Not only is this dude a piece of shit, he is a cock block as well.

Ramsay

World class cock block.

He talks about Theon’s magic cock as well. I thought Podrick had the magic stick?

“Well shouldn’t we see this cock everyone is always going on about. Everyone knows you love girls, and you always thought they loved you back. Your famous cock must be very precious to you. Would you say it is your most precious part.”

This can’t end well.

Now torturer guy is going to cut Theon’s cock off. It sucks to be Theon.

Theon begs for mercy.

“I’m not killing you, just making a few alterations.”

I think I would probably rather die as well.

We move back to Jon and Ygritte, who are getting a ton of screen time this episode. They are still walking to Castle Black. Ygritte spots a windmill and thinks it is a palace.

She doesn’t know what swooning is either. They start flirting and Jon mentions how he would like Ygritte to wear a pretty dress.

“I’d like to see you in a silk dress…so I could tear it off you.” – Jon Snow

“You rip my pretty silk dress, I’ll blacken your eye.” – Ygritte

HAHAHA! Yes! She is awesome.

The conversation turns solemn for a moment.

“The wildlings have attacked the kingdoms six times, and failed six times.” – Jon Snow

Jon thinks this attempt will end poorly as well.

“You don’t have the discipline. You don’t have the training. You don’t know how to fight together…If you attack the wall you’ll die. All of you.” – Jon

“All of us.” – Ygritte

Then she comes up and kisses him out of nowhere.

“You are mine and I am yours. If we die, we die, but first we’ll live.”

In another Northernish location, Osha and Hodor are setting up the tent and Osha doesn’t like how Jojen doesn’t pull his own weight. She starts telling Hodor how she feels and he just replies,” Hodor.”

HA! It knew it was coming and it was still good.

Bran tells Osha they aren’t going to Castle Black anymore, and Osha goes on a tirade.

Apparently, she had a man once, a good one, and one night he disappeared and died. He came back as a wight and almost killed her. She had to burn the hut she lived in to the ground in order to stop him. That is why she doesn’t want to go back North of the wall. I can’t say I blame her.

Jaime has made it a bit of a the way from Harrenhal and Qyburn is cleaning out his wound.

Qyburn has a weakness and it is curiosity. He did experiments on living/dying men. That is why he lost his maester’s chain.

Qyburn informs Jaime that the Lord of Tarth offered 300 gold dragons for Brienne, but Locke won’t take it because he feels he is being cheated. Locke still thinks Brienne’s father is loaded with sapphire money. Basically, Jaime’s lie that saved her is now her doom.

Our man Jaime decides to intervene though. He convinces his escort to take him back to Harrenhal and he shows up just in time to see that the soldiers are watching Brienne v. Bear.

Brienne has a wooden sword and the bear has actual teeth.

Where is Brick Tamlan when you need him.

Jaimes wants her out, but Locke doesn’t care.

“Go buy yourself a golden hand and fuck yourself with it.” – Locke

Jaime jumps into the pit and lifts Brienne out with the old jump on the back strategy. That is great, but it always leaves the second person stranded. The Bear attacks, and Jaime runs up the wall rodeo clown style! He is barely hanging on. The whole one hand thing, but Brienne pulls him out just in time.

“The Bitch stays” – Locke

“I’m taking her to King’s Landing unless you kill me.” – Jaime

There is a standoff and finally Locke concedes and decides to let the Lady of Tarth go.

Jaime drops the, “sorry about the sapphires” line and walks out.

Season 3 MVP = Jaime “the Kingslayer” Lannister!

Game of Thrones Season 3 Episode 5 – Kissed By Fire

Season 3 Episode 5 – Kissed By Fire

I apologize for missing last week. I’ve been busy.

Overall Thoughts: Last week was the best episode of the Season and featured perhaps the best episode ending of the entire series (Blackwater and the beheading of Ned would be the others). This episode didn’t disappoint either. It was very solid and had some great, great scene work. The bathhouse scene with Jaime and Brienne did not disappoint. I told you in the beginning that you would like Jaime and a lot of people are jumping on the bandwagon!  He is on the road to redemption.

Grade: A-

The show opens with Thoros giving a prayer.

“For the night is dark and full of terrors.”

He is prepping Beric for his one-on-one battle with the Hound. Thoros ignites Dondarrion’s blade and it is ON!

Beric Kissed_Fire3

Shit just got real.

They knock a bunch of shit around and Thoros has to move Arya out of the way at one point. Beric gets the upper hand and lights the Hounds’ shield on fire. The crowd starts chanting “guilty” and Arya gets into it as well. The Hound battles back and out of nowhere cleaves Beric’s shoulder in half, it had to be a death blow.

Beric Dead

“Well, that didn’t go according to plan.”

The Red Priest goes to Beric’s aid and starts praying for him. Arya goes after the Hound herself, but Gendry intervenes.

The Hound laughs and says, “I guess their god likes me more than your butcher’s boy.”

I laugh. Why did I laugh? That shit isn’t funny.

Why do I like the Hound so much? Oh, I remember.

Arya tells him to burn in hell and Beric stands up. I thought he was dead?

“He will but not today.” – Beric Dondarrion

He is alive?!? WTF?

I thought you were done for Dondarrion!

North of the Wall, Orell is all up Jon’s ass asking questions about how many Crows are at Castle Black, which castles are manned and stuff. Jon surely doesn’t appreciate the game of 20 questions.

jon questions

“What’s with all the questions, bird man?

“What happens to your eagle after I kill you? Does he drift away like a kite with the strings cut or does he just flop dead to the ground.”

Jon is finally starting to be a badass.

The true badass, Tormund Giantsbane steps in.

After things settle down, Ygritte steals Jon’s sword and runs into a cave. She starts stripping. It looks like she wants Jon’s other sword as well.

“I want you to see me. All of me.”

Cave

Oh we see you Ygritte. We see YOU!

The start making out and Jon goes South of the WALL! Wowzers!

“You know nothing Jon…OH OH!”

She then asks Jon the best question ever posed on GOT:

“That thing you did with your mouth, is that what lords do to their ladies in the south?”

Snow’s response:

“I don’t know I just wanted to kiss you there is all.”

Damn son. You a smoothie, definitely a smoothie.

We find out Jon was a virgin, or a maid.

Ygritte starts talking about all the dick she has gotten and Jon changes the subject. They hop in the water and start going at it again. Maybe she should have bathed before he went down on her! Courtesy Ygritte, courtesy!

Back in the other cave, the Hound wants his gold. They argue and set him free, but not before these parting words…

“The Lord of Light isn’t done with you yet!”

Roose Bolton is presented with the Kingslayer, Jaime Lannister.

“You’ve lost a hand.” – Roose to Jaime

roose_bolton

No shit Sherlock.

Roose frees Brienne.

Jaime asks about word from the capital and Roose makes it sound like Cersei is dead, but then pulls a just kidding! Weird. What a freak.

Jaime collapses and heads off the see the Maester Qyburn, who wants to take the whole arm, but Jaime isn’t down for that.

He don’t want no stinking Milky of the Poppy! That’s right. Jaime is no pussy bitch.

Also, this exchange is great.

“There will be pain.” – Qyburn

“I’ll scream. – Kingslayer

“Quite a bit of pain.” – Kybin

“I’ll scream loudly”

handless

He made his sister scream as well. Cheap joke, sorry.

In King’s Landing, Cersei puts Littlefinger on assignment to find out what the Tyrells are up to.

Meanwhile, Lady Olenna is meeting with Tyrion and she is her usually thorny self.

“Gods boy that’s enough we’re not in a tavern.”

“I always take figs in the afternoon. They help move the bowels.”

Gross.

Tyrion wants to cut costs for the Royal Wedding. Lady Olenna says no way, and disses Tyrion.

“I was told you were a drunk, impertinent and thoroughly divulged. You will imagine my disappointment and finding nothing but a brow beaten book keeper.”

Damn! Tyrion does need to get back to being his cheery, drunken self.

After a bit, she offers to pay for half and Tyrion is pleased.

Back to Arya, who is talking to Gendry and he informs her that he is going to stay and work for the Brotherhood. Arya argues with him for a while, but Gendry makes a good point.

“I’ve served men my entire life.”

She walks away. Arya lost another friend.

arya sad

AWWWWWWW. Tear.

At Riverrun, Rickard Karstark and company kill the little Lannister boys.

What a fuck head.

Robb is told, and he is PISSSSSSED!

His council, Edmure, Catlyn and Talisa all want him to keep Karstark as a hostage. He decides to hang them all and kill Rickard Karstark even though he will lose many, many men, about half.

“This one was only the watcher. Hang him last so he can watch the others die.”

DAAAAAMN.

“He has to die.”

It is raining outside. This scene is very similar to when Theon cut off that guys’ head in season 2. Unlike Theon, it only took one swing for Robb. He is a home run hitter.

Karstark

“Kill me and be cursed. You are no King of mine.”

What a sweet scene.

We follow the fire back to Arya, who is going through her special psycho list of people she wants to die.

Thoros is boozing, and tells Arya that they are going to ransom her. They don’t want too, but…

Thoros again

“We need the gold.”

I love Thoros.

Beric joins the party and tells Arya he has died before. What?

How many times?

“Five I think. No, this will be six.”

And you’ve been got by both the Mountain and the Hound?

“Second time I’ve been killed by a Clegane.”

Does it make you feel weird?

“Every time I come back, I’m a bit less.”

Arya wants to know if Thoros could bring back Ned, even though he is sans head.

Cantcomeback

“Sorry, sweetie, ain’t no coming back from this!”

Doesn’t work that way apparently. Good thought though!

We meet Stannis’ wife. She is big into the Lord of Light.

Apparently he keeps her locked in a tower. Melisandre has been snitching on Stannis though.

QueenSelyseBaratheon

“I know you’ve been creeping with other tricks and I don’t give a damn.”

She also has three dead babies in jars. This bitch is crazier than the rest of the crazies.

“When she told me, I wept with joy.”

“She gave you a son.”

No, she gave him a vagina monster.

Stannis wants to see his daughter, Shireen

She has some sort of shingles on her face. I think it is called greyscale in the books.

Shireen

“Hey, at least I’m better looking than Honey Boo Boo.”

She has a very pretty voice though. It looks like she is locked in a tower as well.

The girl is a real sweetheart. She wants to know if the Onion Knight is with him, and Stannis tells her the Onion Knight has been a bad boy.

“He is rotting in a dungeon cell for his crime.”

Back with Jaime and Brienne, who is naked as her name day taking a bath.

Jaime jumps in with her and Brienne is shook.

shook

“There is another tub.”

He starts prodding her about Renly again and he apologizes.

Once again Renly gets more postmortem love than he did when he was alive.

Jaime goes into the story that helped to make him my favorite character.

JLB

“I should’ve told everyone that King was cray.”

“Do you think the honorable Ned Stark wanted to hear my side? He judged me guilty the moment he sent eyes on me. By what right does the wolf judge the lion?”

He has just lived with so much hate for so long. What a powerful scene. The ending was a bit over the top, with him moaning “my name is Jaime,” but it was great nonetheless.

Back on Dragonstone, Davos is visited by Stannis’ young daughter. She wants to teach him to read. How sweet.

“This word is Aegon.”

We jump back to Essos and Jorah Mormont and Barristan are discussing Thoros and being knighted.

“All I could think off was how badly I had to piss.”

Selmy also speaks about how Robert Baratheon and Aerys were bad kings and how Dany would be a good ruler.

Speaking of, Dany tells the Unsullied they can change their names. The chosen leader Grey Worm would rather keep his name. It is his lucky name.

greyworm

“Just don’t call me Dracarys.”

“Red Flea, Black Rat. Names that remind them who they are. Vermin.”

By the way, how cool is the language they speak. It sounds awesome.

Selmy and Mormont continue to talk and Mormont is tyring to find out if Barristan knows about his betrayal.

Barristan then really pisses off Jorah, but inferring that he would make Dany look bad back in Westeros. Jorah tells him to fuck off.

In Riverrun, Robb is working on a new strategy now that the Karstarks have left him. He determines that he will attack Casterly Rock with the help of Walder Frey. Yes, the same Walder Frey that he screwed over before. Is this a good plan? Most likely some concessions will have to be made.

“I’m going to take their home away from them.”

Also, Talisa tells Robb she doesn’t even know where Winterfell is.

Wasn’t she of noble birth? They don’t teach them geography across the sea? I don’t think that adds up.

Sansa and Margaery are chilling in the garden watching Loras spar. Sansa wants to know when she will be wed to Loras. She also believes that Joffrey won’t let it happen.

Margaery thinks otherwise.

“And only one to let you go. Because it will please me.”

Marge

Every dude watching the show would like to please you.

She is awful full of herself, and I like it.

All of a sudden one of the squires is hitting on Loras and we cut to them in the bedroom trying to poke each other with fleshy spears.

“That didn’t take long.” – Littlefinger.

Which part was he referring to?

The squire was a spy for Lord Baelish, and he informs Littlefinger that Loras is engaged to be wed. That cunning bastard Littlefinger figured it out in about ten seconds.

He meets with Sansa to confirm the rumor, and Sansa all of a sudden wants to stay. Littlefinger is way to smart for that shit.

Finally, we come to the closing scene. It was fucking awesome.

Tyrion meets with Tywin and Cersei is already there wanting as well.

“Your sister has learned that your new friends the Tyrells are plotting to marry Sansa Stark to Ser Loras.”

Tyrion finds this amusing.

“Missing some of Loras’ favorite bits, but I’m sure they’ll make do.”

Tywin does not, apparently Sansa is the key to the North.

Tywin is setting up everything up for a huge bomb.

“We will find Sansa Stark a different husband.”

tywin n tyrion

TYRION!

The half-man is not down with this plan, but Tywin insists.

“The girls’ happiness is not my concern, nor should it be yours.”

“You will wed her bed her and put a child in her. Surely your capable of that.”

They debate some more and the information that Tyrion has been married before pops up.

“I was wed.”

Then Charles Dance delievers three words in such a powerful way.

Tywin strong

“Only too well.”

He says it through his teeth, and that shit seriously gave me chills.

Cersei is super excited about the developments, then Tywin flips it on her. She has to marry Loras Tyrell.

Now she is all, “Daddy, NO!”

“I’m Queen Regent, not some brood mare.”

Tywin insists again.

“You’re my daughter. You will do as I command!”

Tywin gets up and leaves the room.

“My children,” he says with disgust. “You’ve disgraced the Lannister name for far too long.”

Cut to black.

Holy FUCK! This show is even exciting when it is planning weddings! What other show can possibly say that?

 

Game of Thrones Season 3 Episode 3 – Walk of Punishment

Season 3 –Episode 3 – “Walk of Punishment”

Overall Thoughts: We touched in with almost everyone and some people we haven’t seen in a while. The cliffhanger ending was excellent, but I’m sure the critics who complain about the pacing of the show will be whining once again. I think things are really starting to ramp up and we are about to hit the ground running in Episodes 4 through 10. Every storyline is starting to come along and I have really liked some of the changes they have made to pack everything from early on in the book into three episodes. I am still not a huge fan of the Theon storyline, because I know where it leads, but you can’t say that horse chase wasn’t exciting.

Grade: B+

We open at a funeral. The Stark clan sends Catelyn’s father down river. Edmure Tully is supposed to light the fire with a flaming arrow, but he can’t hit shit. Three misses in a row, pathetic. His Uncle Brynden “the Blackfish” Tully grabs the bow out of Edmure’s hand and lights that son of a bitch on the first try.

Blackfish

“I got this shit.”

We cut inside and Edmure wants to talk about the mill he took in battle. Blackfish tells him the shut his trap and make sure to call Robb “King”.

Robb is also pissed at Edmure because he didn’t listen to his plan, and lead the Mountain into a trap.

“He is a mad dog without a strategic thought in his head. I could have his head on a spike by now.”

208 men were lost in the Mill battle and Robb ain’t happy about it.

“We need our men more than Tywin needs his!”

Richard Madden was extremely convincing with this speech. I love how the show is making Robb seem like much more of a capable leader.

robb-stark

“What the fuck, Edmure?”

We jump to a small council meeting and Petyr Baelish cuts off Varys and Maester Pycelle to get a seat next to Tywin, who is sitting at the head of the table. Speaking of Varys it is the first time we have seen him this Season. This is what he looks like in real life. Look at all that hair.

Real Varys

“Yeah, I got a dick in real life too.”

Cersei joins the meeting and moves her chair up next to Tywin on his right. Varys gives her the best dirty look and then Tyrion moves his chair opposite of Tywin, but he does so in a way only Tyrion could. He drags it along the floor noisily and boy is it funny. I love the way Dinklage plays it.

Tywin wants to know about Jaime, but no one has any notion of where he is and the Hand doesn’t like that shit.

Tywin

“How did I get stuck with this group of idiots?”

They move onto other topics and we discover the Littlefinger is going to marry Lysa Arryn the Queen of the Vale. You remember her right, the crazy bitch who breast feeds a 12 year old and acts all nutty with her tit always popping out?

lysa-arryn

“I’m a crazy bitch.”

“She has always been positively predisposed towards me.”

How cocky of you Baelish. I love it.

“The Young Wolf can add his own aunt to the list of people who have taken up arms against him.” – Tywin

Tyrion points out that with Littlefinger out there won’t be a Master of Coin. Tywin agrees and tells Tyrion that he will be the new Master of Coin.

“I’m quite good at spending money, but a lifetime of outrageous wealth hasn’t taught me much about managing it.”

We jump to the captured Jaime and Brienne. The group of Boltons men is singing the Bear and the Maiden Fair.

Jaime is bitching at Brienne because he wasn’t armed when they were taken. Brienne points out that he actually was and then hits him with a burn.

“All my life I’ve been hearing Jaime Lannister, what a brilliant swordsman. You were slower than I expected and more predictable.”

“Maybe people just love to praise a famous name.”

Jaime makes a few excuses, then turns shit serious.

“You’ll be raped… If you fight them they will kill you.”

He suggests she just takes it. After showing that maybe he does care about her a little, he goes back to the barbs.

“Close your eyes and pretend it is Renly.”

Is it just me or does Renly get mentioned more often in season 3 then in any season he was actually in? His name comes up at least twice an episode.

Meanwhile at the Inn, Gendry is helping Thoros with his armor. Arya is annoyed that Gendry would help the Red Priest. She spots the Hound, who continues to be awesome when talking about how using a bow is for pussies.

“Cowards weapon. I like to fight up close. I like to see a man’s face when I put the steel in him.”

Arya asks if he remembers the last time he was here. Why? I can’t remember either.

Oh yeah, this is the Inn he killed Arya’s buddy the baker boy at way back in season 1. Thanks Todd!

“It looks like every other shit inn on the road.”

God his delivery is excellent.

Hot Pie tells Gendry and Arya that he is staying. Apparently he is quite the baker. Who would have guessed that a fat kid can bake?

He gives Arya a piece of bread shaped like a wolf.

Hot Pie tells Gendry, “Don’t get stabbed.”

Gendry tells Hot Pie, “You don’t…burn your fingers.”

Ha! Hilarious.

Gendry rolls out awkwardly and Arya says goodbye.

The head out on horse back.

Back in Riverrun Cat is talking to her Uncle Blackfish about war and her dad.

“Your father was a stubborn old ox. I was surprised when he died, didn’t think death had the patience.”

Cat is reminded of her children and she gets sad.

“I wonder how many times did Bran or Rickon stare across the moors of Winterfell waiting for me to return? I will never see them again.”

She cries, again.

Mommy

“I’m a tear factory.”

Blackfish tells her she has to remain strong for Robb.

Talisa is tending to the wounds of two young Lannisters.

They ask if the rumors about Robb are true, and she starts toying with them.

“My husband doesn’t eat children. Unless it is a full moon.”

Talisa_Maegyr

“Robb only eats me during the full moon as well. He’s a selfish lover.”

Up North we have a crop circle of dead horses. What the fuck?

“You said there was dead crows.” – Mance

“There was.” – Orell

“You know what those men are now.” – Mance

Mance says you shouldn’t bet against Mormon and then decides it is time to strike. He tells Tormund to take Jon and climb the wall. He tells Gianstbane to toss Jon if he doesn’t follow orders.

“Throw him off the wall. See if crows can fly.”

He asks that they wait for a signal. “What signal?”, Orell asks.

“When it’s time, I’m going to light the biggest fire the North has ever seen!”

Well okay then! That will be hard to miss I’m guessing.

At Craster’s Keep the Night’s Watch try to regroup. They look like hell.

Craster is an asshole as always. His daughter is giving birth and he wants her to pipe down.

“Tell her to bite down on a rag, or she can bite down on my fist.”

He picks on Sam.

“Well look at him. He is a walking feast!”

Gilly is the one giving birth, and Sam sneaks in for a peep show. Perv.

It is a boy and as soon as Gilly spots him he runs. Just like a peeping Tom!

And then there was X, or at least the X Theon is tied to.

The sweeper kid from last week is here to save the day!

“If you can’t ride you don’t stand a chance.”

“I can ride.”

Theon-Greyjoy-and-Osha

Ride Bitches that is!

He frees Theon and sends him on his way.

At Dragonstone, Melisandre is leaving and Stannis doesn’t understand why. She is heading wherever the fires show her to go.

Stannis also wants another son, but Melisandre says he can’t handle it.

“You don’t have the strength.”

“Your fires burn low my king.”

There is another way though.

“There are others with your blood in their veins. First there must be sacrifices. The lord of light demands it.”

Stannis also mentions Renly in this scene as well. Man that dude gets a ton of chat about him.

We hop to Astapor and Dany tries to give a slave water. He would rather die.

Barristan wants to leave Astapor.

“We can find sellswords at Pentos and Myr.”

Jorah wants to stay.

They argue for a bit.

“The unsullied are not men. They do not rape.”

Barristan talks about Rhaegar, Dany’s brother.

“They followed him into battle because they loved him.”

Selmy tells her that he fought with the last dragon.

Dany tells him “I’m the last Dragon bitch!”

I thought the last dragon was Bruce Lee, but whatever.

She tells Kraznys that she will buy all the Unsullied.

As usual he insults her and it is hilarious.

“The slut thinks she can flash her tits and and make us give her whatever she wants.”

Dany wants the half-trained boys as well.

“I will have them all or take none.”

Kraznys says she can only afford a few.

“Her ship is worth 100, and this because I like the curve of her ass.”

This dude is so, sexist.

How does she purpose to pay for the other 7,877 Unsullied?

Dany offers up a dragon. A DRAGON? WHAT?

Jorah and Barristan beg her not to.

“One.” Dragon, the biggest dragon.

Done.

As a gift Dany wants Messandei. I want Messandei too! Damn she is fine.

 Messandi

This one like.

Outside, Dany gets all pissy and tells Jorah and Barristan not to embarrass her in public.

Dany and Messandi walk and talk, and it is a walk of hotness.

We discover what Valar Morgulis means.

“All men must die.”

But they aren’t men.

At Littlefinger’s office, Tyrion is picking up some books and Pod is checking out Ros’s tits.

Littlefinger and Tyrion discuss debt and Ros.

“I did fuck her once.”

“I know.” – Littlefinger

I thought it was twice!

Tyrion asks for advice and Baelish tells him to keep a low profile.

“They’re only numbers. Numbers on paper. Once you understand that it is easy to make them behave. Trivial even. You want a real challenge? Try whores.”

“I’ve tried a few.”

Bronn is hitting on some sluts and continues to be awesome.

“Unless Lord twat beard made up a bunch of numbers to hide what he was really up to.”

Twat Beard!

Tyrion and Bronn bought not one, not two, but three whores for Pod.

Number 1 is good with first timers.

“She is not bad with second timers either.”

Number 2 is a good spear handler, and number three can even preform a proper Myrennese Knot!

Bronn gives the boy some advice, “Pace yourself lad!”

Yes!

At Tyrion’s hangout he discovers that Littlefinger has been borrowing money from Casterly Rock and the Iron Bank of Braavos.

Tyrion explains the concept of a loan to Tyrion.

“If we fail to repay these loans, they will fund our enemies. One way or another, they always get there money back.”

Pod shows up and we find out that the whores didn’t make him pay.

“What did you do to them?” Bronn asks.

“All kinds of stuff.”

“These ladies enjoyed him so much they gave him their time for free?” – Bronn

“We are going to need details. Copious details.” – Tyrion

Pod

Apparently Pod is hung like a mule!

Theon is on the run and an arrow whizzes right by his head. Some men on horseback are after him. They have a cool jaunt through the woods, and Theon is dehorsed.

That must have hurt.

His chasers beat on him a bit, then we find out that in Westeros they ass fuck runaways.

Theon is not happy about this.

“I’m going to fuck you into the dirt.”

What?!? I don’t think I was supposed to laugh at this line, but I did.

Arrows begin to fly into Theon’s captors.

He is saved once again. No ass fucking for Theon. Not today anyway.

Brienne and Jaime are tied to different trees, and as expected the boys are going to try to rape Brienne.

It looks as if rape is the theme of this week’s episode.

She fights and gets beat down.

Jaime tells the man in charge that Brienne is from Tarth, and that her father would pay if she is returned unharmed.

“The call it the Sapphire Isles…Sapphires are gemstones, the good ones.”

His lie seems to work. They decide not to rape her.

“Your father he pay your weight in gold to get you back?” – Locke

Jaime goes into full on Lannister mode and tries to buy his way out.

“Lands, titles you will have them all. The North can’t win this war.”

“Fighting bravely for a losing cause is admirable. Fighting for a winning cause is much more rewarding.”

Jaime then smoothly gets the man to free him from his chains and even give him a nice meal.

They take him over to a table and slam his head into it.

I thought they were going to feed him!

Locke then goes into a rant.

“If you get in any trouble all you have to do is say my father and that’s it all your troubles are gone.”

“Careful you don’t want to say the wrong thing. You are nothing without your daddy, and your daddy ain’t here.”

Then he cuts Jaime’s hand off!!!!!!!!!!!! Holy Shit! This scene was tense and awesome. Another great cliffhanger.

Jaime’s transformation is just beginning and I can’t wait to see how they handle the rest of the season.

Even though I thought it was a great and emotional ending, I could only think of this scene.

See you next week!

Game of Thrones – Season 3 Episode 2 – Dark Wings, Dark Words

Welcome to the Game of Thrones recap. I am a huge fan of the show and I have read all the books, or listened to the audiobooks. I don’t spoil anything, but I do make some comparisons to the book.

Season 3 – Episode 2 – Dark Wings, Dark Words

Overall thoughts: Much like last week’s episode, Dark Wings, Dark Words was fairly slow, was but it was necessarily so because we only caught up with about half of the characters in the premiere. The Jaime and Brienne showdown was not as good as I hoped, but anytime the Kingslayer gets a lot of screen time I will be pleased. He is my favorite character. Many people ask why, but if you keep watching you will find out. We also finally caught up with Arya, a favorite of many a GoT fan, Bran, and Theon.

Grade: B-

We open with Bran running through the forest. It is likely a dream because we all know Bran’s legs are busted. The three-eyed Raven swoops in and Bran, god he looks much older than last year, prepares to take a shot at it with his bow. Out of nowhere Jon Snow and Robb show up. They give him some advice, but he still misses. They laugh at him and then Ned Stark’s voice comes from above. Another boy appears. It is Jojen Reed!

“You can’t kill it you know…Because the Raven is you.”

Bran wakes up to see the wolves, Rickon, Hodor, and Osha. Bran describes his dream to Osha, but she doesn’t want to hear it. She isn’t a fan of the dark arts in this universe either.

 game-of-thrones-season-3-osha

“Keep that shit to yourself, Bran.”

We jump to Robb and his woman, Talisa. She tells him that her mother used to say that Westerosi were grim bearded, stinking Barbarians. They start to make out and Roose Bolton rolls in with word from Riverrun and Winterfell. It is bad news as expected. Dark Wings, Dark Words, a nice nod to the show’s title.

Roose 2

Roose always be cock blocking.

Robb tells Catelyn that they are heading to Riverrun because her pops kicked the bucket and she wonders if she will be wearing manacles at the funeral.

He also lets her know that the roof is on fire in Winterfell and they don’t need no water because no one has seen Bran and Rickon either.

Catelyn asks if Robb has received any demands from Theon. He hasn’t.

If you say his name his name he will appear and we cut to Theon tied up, being tortured. He doesn’t know why he is being tortured, and his captor won’t tell him, but he will shove a piece of metal through his finger. Ouch. This happened in the books, but it happened off screen. They are likely going to show Theon’s storyline because Alfie Allen was so good last season.

 theon-greyjoy-tortured

“Last season I was stabbing bitches, but now bitches be stabbing me!”

Next up we are in a field and yes, it is the Jaime and Brienne road show! Jaime’s wit is on full display. He is sick of Brienne and isn’t afraid to tell her about it.

“No one enjoys the company of a humorless mute. Trust me on this…You think Lady Stark’s going to want a giant toe-headed plank following her around for the rest of her life. A week’s journey with you and she’ll order you to fall on your sword.”

jaime-lannister-sword

“If I didn’t lay the pipe to my sister, I would be the best thing to
come out of Westeros since Balor the Blessed!”

We pause for a piss break and it looks like Brienne checks out his goods! Maybe it was just the weird camera angle though.

Jaime wants to know how Brienne came into Lady Stark’s service. Brienne tells him to mind his fucking business. Then Jaime drops this line.

“It to be recently. You weren’t with her at Winterfell…Because I visited Winterfell. I would have noticed your dower head smacking into the arch ways.”

Classic!

He keeps pressing her for info and deduces that she was in Renly’s service. He isn’t a huge fan of the dead man.

“You weren’t Renly’s type I’m afraid. He preferred curly haired little girls like Loras Tyrell.”

HAHAHA!

“It’s a shame the throne isn’t made out cocks. They’d have never got him off it!”

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

This is why he is my favorite.

They come across a traveler on the road. Jaime thinks that the man may have recognized him. He wants to kill the man so he won’t tell anyone, but Brienne isn’t down with killing random dudes on the street.

cult-game-of-thrones-brienne

“Just because I’m a big bitch, doesn’t mean I’m a big bitch.”

We jump back to King Joffrey. He’s the worst. He is getting his new threads and his tailor is trying to make him wear some flowers, but Joff ain’t a bitch. Fuck if he wears flowers.

Cersei thinks Joffrey should give the flowered fabric to Margaery.

“Give it to Margaery for her wedding gown. It should be enough fabric.”

Oh snap!

Cersei wants to know what Joffrey thinks about Marge, and he is happy because with the Tyrell’s at his side they can run shit.

She wants to know what he thinks about her though, not just the power her family brings.

Joff doesn’t want to talk to his mom about girls though. Who does?

“She married Renly Baratheon because she was told to. That is what intelligent women do, what they’re told.”

Joffrey is mean

“I hate women and gays. Could I get any worse?”

Yup, he is still a little shit.

We move to Sansa and Shae, discussing Littlefinger. Shae says Littlefinger wants to get it in with Sansa, but she doesn’t think so.

“He is too old.”

Shae is being super protective of Sansa.

Loras Tyrell shows up to take her to see Margaery and his grandma in the gardens.

Sansa seems to dig Loras, but as we know she is missing something he likes.

We see Margaery for the first time this episode. Good lord she is sexy.

Marge

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

We meet Lady Olenna, the Queen of Thorns. She has no filter.

Olenna

“I’m a straight up G, as in Grandma, and I get my cheese when I want.”

“Loras is young and very good at knocking men off horses with a stick. That does not make him wise. As to your fat head father…”

They discuss Renly and then move into an outdoor gazebo for Lemon Cakes. Sansa likes her some lemon cakes.

The reason they invited Sansa was to find out more about Joffrey.

She is scared to say anything negative about the king, but the Queen of Thorns pushes for more.

“Yes, all Lannister’s are lions, and when a Tyrell farts it smells like a rose.”

They keep on Sansa, and she finally gives in.

“He’s a monster.”

They really don’t care the wedding is still on anyway.

The Stark army is marching to Riverrun for the funeral and Lord Karstark thinks it is a waste of time. He also thinks Robb fucked up by marrying the wrong woman.

“You lost this war the day you married her.”

Talisa and Catelyn talk, as Catelyn makes a prayer circle of the seven thing. Catelyn goes into an awesome monologue about how she prayed for Jon Snow to die. He came down with the pox and she changed her mind and begged the gods to save him.

“When my husband brought that baby home from the war, I couldn’t bear to look at him. I didn’t want to see those brown strangers’ eyes staring up at me. So, I prayed to the gods. Take him away, make him die. He got the pox. And I knew that I was the worst woman who ever lived. Murderer. I condemned this poor innocent child to a horrible death all because I was jealous of his mother. A woman he didn’t even know. So I prayed to all seven gods. Let the boy live. Let him live and I’ll love him. I’ll be a mother to him. I’ll beg my husband to give him a true name. To call him Stark and be done with it. To make him one of us…And I couldn’t keep my promise. And everything that has happened since then, all this horror that has come to my family is all because I couldn’t love a motherless child.”

Wow! That was powerful. This in no way happened in the books, but it is interesting that the writers decided to make Catelyn a little more sympathetic. I really felt for her after that speech. She blames herself for all the ill that came to her family.

One thing I didn’t like though was the mention of the brown eyes. Obviously, the actor has brown eyes, but in the book Jon’s eye color is part of the reason many people speculate, who his parents really are! Major spoilers at the link!

Speaking of the bastard, we move North of the Wall to Jon Snow marching with Mance Rayder.

He tells Jon how he brought the clans together.

“I told them we were all going to die if we don’t get South, because that is the truth.”

Some dude Orell is acting all funny. He is a warg, a skin changer.

Ygritte gives Jon shit.

“You’ve never met a warg?”

jon

Bitch I am a warg.

Orell saw a bunch of dead crows up at the Fist of the First Men.

We move onto Sam and the rest of the Night’s Watch. They are still marching back to the wall and Sam isn’t doing too well. He can barely walk and one of his brothers is talking shit.

“Why don’t you lie down and rest for a while. You know you want to.”

Fortunately, a few of Sam’s (kind of) friends come help him up. He doesn’t want help. He resents them for leaving him back with the White Walkers.

“Your fat and your slow and we didn’t want to die.”

Joer Mormont intervenes.

“Tarly, I forbid you to die.”

Shit Joer, I didn’t know you cared. Wait, in the Night’s watch they forbid you to take any lands, they forbid you to fuck and they forbid you to die? What they hell are you supposed to do all day?

We head back to Bran in the forest. His wolf Summer knows something is up. Osha heads off to check it out and Jojen Reed, the boy from his dream in the opening of the episode appears. Osha gets the drop on him, but Jojen’s sister, Meera drops in on her. Jojen holds out his hand and the wolf likes him all of a sudden.

Jojen

“I know shit.”

Jojen seems to know a lot about Bran. He has been looking for him.

Arya, Gendry and Hot Pie are walking and Gendry is trying to figure out why Arya didn’t pick some higher profile people for Jaquan to kill.

“You could have ended the war.” – Gendry

A group of people are on the road and they are singing the Rains of Castamere. (I thought this was weird because it is a Lannister song, and these people are so not Lannisters.) They are spotted and Arya hops out. She starts acting all tough.

“Leave us be and I won’t kill you.”

This group of travelers is the Brotherhood Without Banners, the group that have been causing trouble for Tywin Lannister.

The leader is Thoros of Myr. He’s a red priest like Melisandre, but we aren’t told this on screen yet. He wants to learn more about them over dinner. Fat Pie doesn’t want to go but he is forced to when the bowman shoots an area in his general vicinity.

“Here’s the thing fat boy. When I’m done talking, that arrow is falling down on your fat head. So, I advise you move because I’m done talking.”

They then continue to make fun of his obesity.

“Half the country is starving and look at this one.”

“Maybe he is the reason half the country is starving.”

Fat Pie

“Come on guys, if I was skinny you couldn’t call me Fat Pie!”

Back in King’s Landing, Shae is in Tyrion’s bed chamber (Dinklage!!!). Tyrion is annoyed that Shae is showing up in his room. He doesn’t want his dad to know he is still bedding hos.

Shae is worried about Sansa and finds out Tyrion banged out Ros.

“Twice.”

Then, Tyrion slips up and lets Shae know he thinks Sansa is dope. She thinks he is a little perv. He kind of is.

Impin' aint easy

“What can I say, booze and women are my mainstay.”

After that talk, they start hooking up and she puts her lips around his lion.

Margaery stops in the see Joffrey. He is playing with his new crossbow. He presses her about Renly and she plays her way out of it. “I’ve considered making his perversion punishable by death.”

Apparently there is even gay bashing in Westeros.

She then turns things to the crossbow. This gets Joffrey all excited. He is a psychopath. He gets turned on by the thought of her killing something.

Back to Theon getting tortured. He captor is asking him why he took Winterfell. Theon tells him the truth, but he keeps torturing Theon anyway.

When the group leaves, one of the workers tells Theon his sister sent him to help Greyjoy escape.

This scene actually makes me feel bad for Theon.

Bran and his new friends are walking, and Jojen tells Bran about his warg ability and the three-eyed raven.

“The raven brings the sight.”

Jojen also has the sight. Jojen’s dad saved Bran’s dad. They were boys apparently.

We cut to a tavern and Thoros is trying to get Arya to drink.

“We’re not children.”

She lies about their escape from Harrenhal.

“Gendry’s a smith. He was apprentice in the armory…Gendry stole us weapons. He knows how to use a sword and so do I.”

Like a proper fool she pulls her sword on Thoros. In one move he disarms her. What the fuck was she doing?

Thoros lets the trio go, but just as they are about to head out, the rest of the Brotherhood brings in the Hound. They found him passed out drunk and captured him.

The Hound and Thoros know each other. I know I’m not supposed to like the Hound, but I love how he talks.

the hound

“Thoros? The fuck you doing here?”

“What in seven hells are you doing with a Stark bitch.”

I didn’t even have to make those up! He is just the best.

Back to the Jaime and Brienne roadshow! They need to cross the river, but they don’t know if they should go over the bridge and risk being seen, or if they should swim.

“It’s a tough decision. Take the bridge and risk being seen…Cross by water and the current could take us or I could escape down the river.”

She elects to have them take the bridge. Jaime starts acting up and just plops down on the bridge.

“I never used to get corns…”

She tries to pick him up and he grabs her sword.

“I never understood the need for some knights to carry two swords.”

It is on.

“You move well, for a great beast of a woman.”

Brienne holds her own, but Jaime mocks her anyway.

“You shouldn’t grimace before you lunge. It gives away the game.”

He points out that she really can’t hurt him without hurting herself.

“If you kill me you fail Lady Stark, but if you don’t kill me, I’m going to kill you.”

They battle back and forth and Brienne ends up getting the better of the Kingslayer. They didn’t do a good enough job showing what a good swordsman Jaime is supposed to be. In the book he stabs her in the leg and the end up in the river where his chains restrict his movement and Brienne ends up almost drowning him.

A group of men come rolling up the road. It is the flayed men of House Bolton. The man they didn’t kill, did in fact know who Jaime was, and ratted them out.

The leader of the group is a guy named Locke. He is not in the book. In the book Jaime and Brienne are taken by a group called the Brave Companions and they are led by Vargo Hoat, (major spoilers at the link!) who was a great foil to Jaime.

Jaime tries to weasel his way out but Locke isn’t having it.

“I’d rather he takes your (head).”

It looks as if the roadshow has concluded as we cut to black.

Oh and HBO renewed the show! It was a definite, but it is still good news!

See you next week!