Trailer Tales – The Wolverine

Trailer Tales breaks down the newest and hottest trailers, and tries to decipher exactly what the plot will be, if it will be a good movie or not, and rates it.

I’m breaking down the international trailer because it is longer.

Also, why do the internationals get all the extra footage?

The trailer opens with Hugh Jackman playing Logan, playing Wolverine, putting on his jacket in the forest.

A picture of a woman is crossfaded into Logan with long hair and a shaggy beard.

Have we seen this look before? Yes I believe so.

We then cut to a small town presumably in Canada, because that is where our hero hails from.

Best things to come out of Canada: Gretzky, Logan, Tim Hortons, drugs, Robin Sparkles and Trailer Park Boys (I think I’ve only seen like two episodes. Hilarious though.)

As our finely bearded friend walks down the street and heads into Faro Hardware, some sketchy ass person records him on what looks to be a Blackberry cell phone. Do people even use those anymore?

At least he is using technology to his benefit.

Possibly the same sketchy dude follows Logan to a bar. There is a Coors sign in the window. I don’t know a lot about Canadians, but I can certifiably guarantee they aren’t drinking, or selling Coors.

Maybe this bar is in the States. Maybe Colorado? Shit, maybe the whole opening sequence takes place in the Rockies.

All the while this is going on. We have a voice over from what I would venture to guess as the movies main villain, Norburo Mori played by Brian Tee.

“Eternity can be a curse. The losses you have had to suffer. A man can run out of things to live for. Lose his purpose.”

This is likely stated to Logan at some point later on and is probably the theme of the whole film. A lost and tortured soul that is Logan, wanders aimlessly in a purposeless existence, but is called back to reality by someone from his past. He goes through several trials and tribulations and finds a new purpose, probably a hot chick to bone or two, kills the bad guy and the movie ends. I’m not saying it is going to be bad. I’m just saying that is likely the plot of the film.

Another side note. The only people who say “Eternity can be a curse,” are vampires and the dudes from the Highlander, and they both can be emo as fuck.

Back inside the bar some hillbilly clocks Wolverine with a beer bottle. Another dudes pulls a gun and then looks all shocked when the glass heals out of Logan’s face.

“That hurt,” states Logan right before ejecting 12” razor sharp bones covered in adamantium out of his fists.

Haven’t we had this entire scene play out before in another X-Men movie. Yes!

Before shit hits the fan, some Japanese (I’m guessing, not being racist) woman, grabs Logan’s arm and tells him it is all water under the bridge. She then walks out.

According to IMDB the girl is Rila Fukushima playing Yukio.

We jump to Rila walking with a katana telling Wolverine she has been looking for him.

A quick shot of a jet establishes that they are leaving Canada, or Denver or wherever.

We get a WWII flashback of a guard tower, a nuke going off and Logan and some guy (probably the main villain) taking a dive down a well. Wolvy is burned, but saves the guys life. Let’s just hope he didn’t protect him using a lead refrigerator.

Another voice over, this time from Rila: “My employer is dying. He wants to thank you for saving his life. It is an honor to meet the Wolverine.”

Hugh ain’t having it and he tells Yukio, “that’s not who I am anymore.”

Next up is a shot of a nice looking Audi driving under a bridge in a much more glamorous area, of what is likely Tokyo. Wolvy and Yuky pop out of the whip, as the voice over informs us that the old man didn’t just send for Logan to thank him. He wants to repay him.

Following are a few shots of some nice digs.

A few shots of what is definitely a private hospital, a hot looking blonde with glasses and a shirtless Logan all fade over a shot of Jean Grey giving our hero some lip service.

Logan looks sad in the rain. Somebody turns the page of a book and we get a closeup of a heart monitor with the name Yashida, MR on it. Could this be the vaunted Mr. Yashida. (Note: I have no idea who this is, but probably the main villain.

Back in the private hospital we finally see the man with the deep ass voice.

“I can make you MORTAL.” Dun, dun, dunnnnnn.

Outside at a Japanese ceremony, Logy, dressed in all black everything, puts up a quizzical look right before some dude with the Japanese version of a KKK hood pulls a machine gun and blasts him in the gut.

Cue the fight scene followed by a Logan voice over informing us that he isn’t healing right!!!

He is also wondering what is happening to him. This is all set over shots of Hugh looking pained, and we get a shot of silver samurai armor. I wonder who that could belong too?

Logan finds himself looking jacked as hell while trying to break out of the world’s most secure handcuffs while another hot blonde (possibly the same hot blonde) gives him a look and then rips the SKIN ON HER FACE OFF!

Logan screams “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Now we jump outside and ninjas on motorcycles ride down the rooftops to attack Wolverine. I did not make any of that up. We have a few more shots of that set action piece. Then, Wolvy decides to take his claws and hit some sort of electrical box and cause an explosion.

Flash indoors, and he is fighting the Silver Samurai inside a karate dojo (probably not a karate dojo.) They exchange blows, Logan gets cut on the face and looks pissed!

Now we are back outdoors. This time Logan is claws deep on a speeding bullet train getting knifed by a dude with a short sword. Or it could be getting sworded by a dude with a long knife. I can never tell.

Wolvy dodges some very low hanging signs. If they have OSHA in Japan somebody is getting sued, and then does his famous Fast Ball special at the attacker.

All while screaming and saying, “what they did to me, what I am, can’t be undone.”

A quick shot of Hugh getting tossed out of a building and hanging on with his claws while he is looking all pissed again flashes by as our villain says, “Don’t be so surahhh…”

Sorry I had to make fun of the accent at least once.

This trailer had me, but then the whole ninjas on motorcycles and speeding bullet train fight sequences happened and I have to say I’m a bit concerned. We could have another X-Men Origins: Wolverine on our hands, and nobody wants to see that shit.

Grade: B-

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4 thoughts on “Trailer Tales – The Wolverine

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