Game of Thrones – Season 3 Episode 1 – Valar Dohaeris

Welcome to the Game of Thrones recap. I am a huge fan of the show and I have read all the books, or listened to the audiobooks. I decided to start doing recaps because I want to get back into blogging and writing and I might as well start with one of my favorite shows.

Valar Dohaeris – Season 3 Episode 1

Overall thoughts: The episode was not one of the series best in terms of action, but it is a premiere and it had to set up several storylines, and there were some excellent scenes. Tyrion v. Tywin was awesome, and so was Davos v. Melisandre and Stannis! I also enjoyed Jon v. Mance.

Grade: B

We open with darkness. Samwell Tarly is running/trudging through the snow. I didn’t know a fat man could move like that! He spots a fellow crow who is holding his head in his hands. No, I mean literally his head has been removed from his neck and he is holding it in his hands.

A wight rolls up on Sam with an axe and Ghost (Jon’s wolf) comes in for the big save!


Out of nowhere the wight starts flaming. It was lit up by the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, Jeor Mormont .

He is pissed at Sam because Sam didn’t send the ravens. Why didn’t you send the ravens Sam?

ImageThe Ravens? I knew I was forgetting something.

Mormont says the crew has to roll back to the wall or everyone you’ve ever known will be dead! This may be true, but it will take at least four more books for that to even be an option!

After the badass opening credits, we return to North of the Wall once again.

Jon is being escorted by Ygritte and we see a GIANT.

It is our first time as well Jon Snow.

The giant hammers a stick into the ground and then Jon gets rocked as he continues walking through camp. By rocked I mean every little shit in town is tossing stones at his head.

Ygritte tells him, “If Mance likes ya, you will live another day, and if he don’t…”

The Mance she is referring to is Mance Rayder, the King Beyond the Wall.

Jon is introduced to the King Beyond the Wall and he is giving him shit, because he is a baby crow. Ygritte points out that Jon killed Qhorin Halfhand, something she talks about pretty much constantly. In the books this is a big deal, because Halfhand was a total badass, but the show never really had time to develop that plotline.

Jon kneels and the King Beyond the Wall says, “Your Grace? Do you hear that? From now on you better kneel every time I fart!”

It was a fake out! The man Jon thought was the King Beyond the Wall was actually Tormund Giantsbane


and the dude chilling in the back was actually Mance Rayder, the King Beyond the Wall.


Giantsbane still can’t believe that Jon killed Qhorin Halfhand. Yes, we get it.

Mance wants to know why Jon Snow wants to join the free folk, and he drops the line we have been hearing in all the trailers. “I want to fight for the side that fights for the living!”

Mance is impressed, and is even going to get Jon a new cloak. The turncloak is in!

We cut to Kings Landing and hey it is our first pair of tits!

Bronn is getting some action and about to take of some panties off with his teeth when Podrick Payne, Tyrion’s squire rolls in and cockblocks him. Bronn then displays why everyone loves him. He gets all the best lines.


I’m Bronn and I say cool shit.

“Back away. Keep backing away until you are outside this establishment then back away some more!”

“I will murder you boy!”

Cut to Tyrion Lannister, (Dinklage!!!) checking out his new facial feature.


My Face isn’t that fucked up…

The scar isn’t as bad as stated in the books. Tyrion is acting all super paranoid because somebody tried to kill him. He thinks it was his sister Cersei.

There is a knock on the door and speak of the brother-fucking devil! It’s Cersei.


Bow down bitches!

She has the Queens Guard with her and we are in for a wonderful scene. Cersei references that scar and the fact that the show isn’t going to make the scar as bad as it is in the books.

“They said you lost your nose, but it isn’t as gruesome as all that.”

This is likely because you can’t cover your star’s face! (Dinklage!!!)

Tyrion is pissed he is getting no love from his papa, and Cersei is worried Tyrion is going to tell daddy about her banging her other brother. They go back and forth until Bronn shows up outside and we find out he has been knighted. The Queens Guard isn’t going to let Bronn see his boss, so they discuss how they would like to disembowel one another. Very similar to the Bronn v. Hound scene we saw in Season 2 Episode 9.

“You’re an up jumped cut throat, nothing more!” – Ser Meryn Trant

Bronn agrees and shit is about to get real when the Queen makes an exit.

Tyrion needs an escort because again he is all like super paranoid and Bronn tells him he wants to make more money! Double in fact. Oh, Bronn you are such a good “friend.”

We jump to Davos Seaworth,  who looks like he got blasted off of a boat and wound up on some rocks in the middle of the bay. Oh wait, that is exactly what happened!


“I’ve woken up in weirder places.”

A ship spots him and if he wants to get a ride he has to answer a riddle. Which side was he fighting for?

After pondering the question, he says Stannis. That is correct.

Davos is taken to see Salladhor Saan.


I’m a Saan of a Bitch!

This is where I must pause and explain the Game of Thrones drinking game I have. One of the rules is that every time you see a black actor you have to chug an entire beer. Why you ask? Well you see there are not really any black people in A Song of Ice and Fire, other than the Summer Islanders, so when you see a black actor on screen it is rare and it is a decision the creators had to make. Also, I enjoy my shows not to be all vanilla. So, you have to drink, a lot. PS, last season I got hammered a lot because I didn’t read up on the fact that they were turning Xaro Xhoan Daxos black. In the books he is milky white.

Davos wants to go to Dragonstone to see his boy Stannis, but Salladhor tells him that Stannis only chills with the red woman and has been burning people left and right.

Davos doesn’t like this, but feels like he has to kill Melisandre. Salladhor like Bronn gets the best lines.

“If you fail they will burn you. If you succeed, they’ll burn you.”

“And you drank with me on four of my wedding days, but I don’t ask you for favors.”

“When you are dead, I’ll gather your bones into a little sack and let your widow wear them around her neck.”

Next up we are at some castle in the Riverlands. I think. It isn’t Winterfell and it isn’t Harrenhal, at least I don’t think.

Karstark is still pissed the Kingslayer is running free, but Roose Bolton says he is on it.


There are dead bodies everywhere. 200 Northmen to be exact. How did they count all the bodies so quick? They just got here!


Bad Mommy

Robb is still pissed at his mom and sends her to a cell.

They find Maester Qyburn.


Back in Kings Landing, Tyrion has come to see his father. I can’t wait for this scene.

Tywin is ignoring him, but Tyrion finally gets him to talk.


“What do you want, Tyrion?” – Tywin

Basically the Halfman wants some props for all the stuff he has done.

Tywin’s response, “jugglers and singers require applause. You are a Lannister. Do you think I demanded a garland of roses every time I suffered a wound on the battlefield? Hummm?”

Shot down!

Tyrion goes for big request. He wants Casterly Rock.

“It is mine, by right.”

Tywin responds harshly.

“I would let myself be consumed by maggots before mocking the family name and making you heir to Casterly Rock…You are an ill made, spiteful little creature…The gods have condemned me to watch you waddle about wearing that proud lion…but neither gods nor men will ever compel me to let you turn Casterly Rock into your whore house…Speak no more about your rights to Casterly Rock.”

Damn Tywin. A simple “no” would have sufficed.

Tyrion leaves, and he is pleased.

Sansa is sitting out on a dock playing a game. (Least favorite character alert!)


“It’s a good thing I’m pretty, cause my storyline sucks.”

She is inventing a back story for each ship. God she is awful. Hot, but awful.

Petyr Baelish AKA Littlefinger shows up and wants to chat with Sansa.


Mayor Carcetti is here to clean up Westeros! – The Wire Joke

She wants him to get her the hell outta the city, and he is willing to help. Slight spoiler. This is a much more direct route than the book takes.

“I might be able to take you with me.” – Littlefinger

Ros and Shae chat. Ros remarks that they both have done well using their “abilities”. AKA their vaginas.

Jump to DRAGONS!


Lots and lots of Dragons. Drogon (the biggest Dragon) is enjoying a nice fish filet.

Daenerys Targaryen is pissed that the Dragons aren’t big enough.


It’s good to see you too!

She can’t wait and needs an army.

Jorah Mormont is taking her to Astapor to get some soliders, but Dany doesn’t like the fact that the soldiers are slaves. A Dathroki pukes on the deck of the ship. Lovely.


Jorah Mormont

At Dragonstone, Davos shows up and Stannis isn’t all that happy to see him.

Mr. Seaworth gets right to the point and threatens Mel. He doesn’t judge people by what gods they worship, and Melisandre blames Davos for the loss of the battle.

“I could have saved those men. You would have taken the city…but I wasn’t there because you convinced your King to leave me behind.”


“Damn Davos, you really fucked things up.” – Mel

Then, she drops a low blow.

“What I told your son is true. Death by fire is the purest death.”

Davos goes for a knife, but the guards grab him and take him to a cell.

Back in the capital, Margaery Tyrell stops off in Flea Bottom to run in the shit and give gifts to little kids. She is trying to be the good cop to Joffrey’s bad cop. The boy King isn’t too happy that he has to be halted in Flea Bottom and reminds us that he is such a pussy.


I’m the worst.

Margaery’s eyes are so hot.


“Really? I know you aren’t looking at my eyes.”

Sorry I’m back. The kiddies all love Marge. She is the sweetest.

The King and his future wife then dine with Cersei and Marge’s brother Loras.


Loras Tyrell, Knight of Flowers and other Pretty Stuff

They discuss Marge’s stop in Flea Bottom. Cersei is skeptical of Marge’s charitable giving. We find out that the Tyrell’s are sending food from the Reach to help the hunger issues in King’s Landing.

Flash to Astapor where the Slaver Kraznys show off how badass the unsullied are.


Men don’t need nipples, but mine are special.

“They will stand until they drop.”

“They begin their training at five.”

“They fear nothing.”

“They have no balls.”

I added that last one.

The Slaver takes shots at Dany in his native tongue. He thinks she’s a hoe.

Then he cuts off an unsullied nipple. They don’t need no nipples. He is a man, says Kraznys.

The slaver then drops this piece of knowledge on Dany.

The unsullied have to kill a baby in front of its mother and pay the slave owner a silver coin.

Dany is not happy about this.

Mormont and Dany take a stroll and discuss the unsullied. They are being followed by a hooded figure. Is that a Jedi? It looks like Obi-Wan Kenobi. Seriously.


Is that you Ben? I thought you were dead, or a Force Ghost or whatever.

A little girl gives Dany a ball. She goes to open it and the Jedi stops her. A scorpion is hidden inside and tries to attack her. The Jedi kills it just in time.


The warlocks are still after the Targaryen princess.

Kenobi reveals himself to be Barriston Selmy.


“I just shaved off about seven chapters with one line of dialogue.”

He begs for forgiveness and promises to protect her.

This is a HUGE deviation from the books. In the books he pretends to be Austin Whitebeard and is discovered as a liar, but Dany has him perform a task for her to get back into her good graces. I won’t spoil it much, but this difference is huge. I’m guessing it was a time saving measure, plus the viewers already know what Barriston looks like, so I guess they kind of had to.

We fade to black and have a sweet, slow version of the theme song.

Next week will meet the Queen of Torns, finally catch up with Arya and Jaime! I can’t wait.

All Images courtesy of the internet. I have no rights to them.


2 thoughts on “Game of Thrones – Season 3 Episode 1 – Valar Dohaeris

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